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I Tried




I tried to do something amazing for us this summer because the one big moment we’ve never had is spending a summer together doing things and I really wanted to. I did it for you, I did it for him but I guess it wasn’t in the cards due to you’re behaviour and decisions. I’ll keep trying for a little while longer.


But then I’ll fade until you need or want my agian. Those are our rules of engagement. I’m fine with that. I have my own life and my own friends and my own things to do. I’m fine with that. I want you beside me not just in my orbit once in a while. And you have to live with the fact that you are not no matter how much I try. I will always try. I remember what it was like when I no longer wanted to try. And there was an emptiness more than the one I had now inside. Maybe as long as I try I have hope, instead of hate. I don’t want to go back to that.


One day all hope will fade and instead of fading for a fucking moment like you want me to I will fade forever and you won’t be able to find me. And I won’t be able to rescue you.


You May be my true home. I’ll acknowledge that part, but you aren’t in my life right now. Not really. And I do still have one of those. And I have good friends both from here and visiting from England. It’s time to focus on that and be me for the rest of the summer. Being happy.


There’s a moment put aside for you but I’m already expecting you to disappoint so I’m gonna have my fun without you, just like I’ve been doing since March break 2003. We always had big plans and you never saw any of them to fruition.


I did try. I just don’t say I’m going to do something. I do it. That’s you’re problem you still think I’m the boy that loved you that had nothing and had to struggle. I’m still that boy in a lot of ways, but I don’t struggle anymore. Never agian. 


I’m just going to enjoy my summer and see when you decide to haunt my orbit again. I do cool things. I just want you to do them with me, and with him. But if not I’m fine with my current partners in crime too.


That’s the difference between you and us, I don’t need a relationship to fucking define me you do. And sadly, only one relationship defines us both. It’s the one you will never let me escape.


I don’t need you to validate my existence the way you seem to need me or my existence for yours. I’m good finding new freinds and new adventures.


Or true blood of the oldest sort and being bad boys like when we were kids.


Both of those, mission accomplished last night.


I wanted you there. I never needed you there.


I really wanted you there tonight. Instead I made a new freind and brought an old one and misbehaved.

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