Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It’s all the shits I don’t give right now. There is no one and nothing in this world that I feel immediately appreciates the trials and tribulations I put myself thru to make there lives easier. I’m not singling any one in particular out in my life but there are a number of people that are making me feel under appreciated while I suffer to make there life a little fucking better. You know what happened the last time I needed to make my life a little bit better?  I left. Didn’t look back. I’m getting real close to that agian.  It may be cold to some but i don’t care. I function and I take care of my responsibilities and I have some fucking fun along the way. Other than that I don’t give a damn. I’m making my life better, I’m not here to do that for anyone else. Not even you.  Find your own way. All of you.  This life, it ain't romantic or free. There's no path to anything that makes any sense. It's just dirty and sad.

The last man standing in the universe. I always thought that would be me. I sit here and I don’t know what the next step in my life is. I’ve settled into a creature comfort where it’s status quo but it’s not my life. I’m just doing the right thing to escape drama and to not be in same old behaviours and traps. This has been a harder winter than most. And a lot of fucking things are being established.  I know my worth, I know the worth of those around me and who I chose to have in my life. The problem is, I’m not sure who is currently on the level and cares and who is a means to there own end.  My life doesn’t stop when certain people are involved in my life for a hot minute. I still have to deal with the day to day of taking care of another person I care about… and I have responsibilities to others whether she likes it or not…I know for sure I sure as hell don’t.  That being said. I do for the people that have always have had my back. That’s my word. That’s what loyalty is. Some of the

I put my foot down. I am no longer feeling like I’m being fucking used and taken advantage by anyone. I don’t need to be here. I don’t need to be anywhere. I don’t need to be fucking doing things for people that don’t appreciate or fucking understand why I say No. I’m done trying to be nice and understanding of anyone. I have my own problems and my own pain. I hurt constantly both physically and emotionally. If you think you are going to continue to use me, or be involved in my life and think that it’s all about you. You’re fucking wrong.  I have things I need to do in this life that I keep putting aside and doing other things because it’s about others. I can walk away. I have before. It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter which friendship it is anymore. I’m no one’s living emotional or financial crutch. I can’t support someone else’s lifestyle and not be able to take care of myself. That’s not only frustrating that’s not fucking fair. I’ve made enough sacrifices in my life.

At the end of the day I know exactly where I stand. And who and what I should chose to care about. I’m functional and I take care of those I need to and those that don’t even deserve for me to have that level of emotion in my life. I’m not going to go out of my way to do them any favours or sacrifice everything in my life however. This last little while has been telling as to who I really need to pay the attention to. Silence speaks volumes as does manipulation to do things you have no intention to follow thru on. I won’t tolerate it from my former partner, no fucking way do I tolerate it from friends.  When things become a pattern I start to disassociate, I disappear. I went silent with no way to contact me for years for someone I unfortunately have to care about whether or not she is fucking breathing for my own mental health.  Complete radio silence. I said goodbye. And then she gave me a reason to truly walk away, I should have. There is no fucking fathomable reason that I’m going

This is my escape. This is my reality. This is how I deal with the world. Sometimes I just need to step away for a few hours and just be inside my own head. While I am less than enthused by making the trip back to the Durham region on my own without the planned company, it wasn’t horrible to see one of my favourite bands. I had a good time and I remember when I do shit like this that I don’t need anyone at my side. I just need to have fun and have a good life. I did for other people and sometimes it falls apart and sometimes I end up going out alone. I don’t care. I just function. Old, not obsolete. I remember the old days when I wouldn’t have cared if someone was at my side, I’m getting back to that. I’m gonna spend this year seeing bands and doing things for me. I’m sick of being available for anyone else. Especially those that don’t appreciate me or treat me as I and my income are disposable. Im not. I never have been. But I’m just fine here on my own. Xero Fucks Given. 

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to.  I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone.  The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even.  I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of.  I’m not going to pretend to keep th

  Every thing falls apart as usual. It’s always about someone else instead of my plans. I’m sick of some peoples agendas in visiting me and those I care about. It’s getting real fucking old. I have responsibilities so I prioritize them.  I don’t like when someone else or an xfactor controls the narrative and when something falls apart I’m not very happy.  One day I will just say fuck it and walk away.  I am and can be be cold and ruthless and I’ll walk the fuck away. I don’t care who you are. If you inconvenience me enough I’ll fucking bail. If you affect the person or persons I care about most, I’m gone. See ya. 

How many times you imagined my betrayal. How willing you were to think the worst of me. Why aren't you happier? I'm just being whom you've always thought I was. I'm giving you the ending you believed in. I am convinced that I am starting to self destruct without even thinking about it. You’re old behaviours are instilled in me and I’m becoming someone darker than I want to be. Something to be feared agian. This relationship with alcohol has to be re-examined as I’m not the happy go lucky guy at the bar. I’m the demon drinking to get black out drunk. It’s been a long time since I felt the need to be him on a regular basis. I live my life, by my own choices and my own place in this world. But I don’t see the point of pretending that I’m perfect anymore. I take care of my responsibilities and I drown my demons once in a while that’s all I am anymore. 

I live my adventures and my dreams now… for far too long I just attempted to be what someone else wanted and expected of me. That time is over. I’m doing for me now. I am going to do the things I want to do with my life and not answer to anyone fucking else.   I have watched my life turn to ruin and yet I’m still standing here on top of the mountain with a smile on my face. Because I get to do the things I choose to Do. The years of sacrifice were worth it because now no one questions my choices. I fought my battles and finally hung up my axe and sword. I have nothing left to grind towards anyone. I’m just busy enjoying myself. I take care of the responsibilities I need to, but the reality is at this point I’m just enjoying my life. And that’s the way I plan for it to stay.