Skip to main content

Cold.



At the end of the day I know exactly where I stand. And who and what I should chose to care about. I’m functional and I take care of those I need to and those that don’t even deserve for me to have that level of emotion in my life. I’m not going to go out of my way to do them any favours or sacrifice everything in my life however. This last little while has been telling as to who I really need to pay the attention to. Silence speaks volumes as does manipulation to do things you have no intention to follow thru on. I won’t tolerate it from my former partner, no fucking way do I tolerate it from friends. 


When things become a pattern I start to disassociate, I disappear. I went silent with no way to contact me for years for someone I unfortunately have to care about whether or not she is fucking breathing for my own mental health.  Complete radio silence. I said goodbye. And then she gave me a reason to truly walk away, I should have. There is no fucking fathomable reason that I’m going to tolerate doing epic things with or for freindship when the return is less. At least with her I have hope. But right now, and it’s more than one person I have done epic shit with in the past, I’m judging you and you’re being found disappointing. 


My loyalty to anyone only lasts so long. And if I feel like I’m being used or worse. Just be glad I’m not Angry anymore. The vindictive streak is gone. I’m at peace. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to be that cold ruthless motherfucker anymore. He’s still buried deep within. 


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...