At the end of the day I know exactly where I stand. And who and what I should chose to care about. I’m functional and I take care of those I need to and those that don’t even deserve for me to have that level of emotion in my life. I’m not going to go out of my way to do them any favours or sacrifice everything in my life however. This last little while has been telling as to who I really need to pay the attention to. Silence speaks volumes as does manipulation to do things you have no intention to follow thru on. I won’t tolerate it from my former partner, no fucking way do I tolerate it from friends.
When things become a pattern I start to disassociate, I disappear. I went silent with no way to contact me for years for someone I unfortunately have to care about whether or not she is fucking breathing for my own mental health. Complete radio silence. I said goodbye. And then she gave me a reason to truly walk away, I should have. There is no fucking fathomable reason that I’m going to tolerate doing epic things with or for freindship when the return is less. At least with her I have hope. But right now, and it’s more than one person I have done epic shit with in the past, I’m judging you and you’re being found disappointing.
My loyalty to anyone only lasts so long. And if I feel like I’m being used or worse. Just be glad I’m not Angry anymore. The vindictive streak is gone. I’m at peace. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to be that cold ruthless motherfucker anymore. He’s still buried deep within.
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