Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Guess whose still here. 20 years later where you forced upon me the impossible choice.  I choose to be happy and do spectacular things. I wanted you to come to dinner for Christmas or Boxing Day but that didn’t happen. I want you here tonight. But that wont happen either. I’ll just continue to do epic shit on my own journey.  I’m at peace I’m not angry. I’m only a little bitter when we hit some of these milestones we should be sharing together. An attempt was made, it’s all I can give or promise you now. One day I might not be able to give you the attempt… there are certainly days now I don’t want to.  But twenty years you made the impossible choice, how would you have ever expected me to come back from that after all we had been thru? And then you confounded original sin with every more. I have forgiven you, there are days I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend that I completely love you, I do love you, but it is with reservation. There’s only one human on this earth ...

I’m hurting, but I can deal with it. Being ignored at Christmas sucks. I deserved better. This is status quo for the rest of my life tho. One day I’ll just grow cold and stop caring. Again. Probably better for all involved.  But Christmas is supposed to mean hope. I try to honour that. One day a year I won’t fight with you and I’ll always try to do something for the three of us. But if I’m not good enough. So be it.  I choose to be happy. That’s my Christmas in the casino with the loved one I’m with and busy taking care of right now. Dinner is still offered tomorrow I’ll let you know when in the morning. I’ll still try. But you being in my life isn’t dependant on me being happy, I’m happy anyways… I have a good life. I’ll continue to have a good and happy life.  You were missed this Christmas. I hope you and my son had a good one anyways. I brought one of his gifts if you decide to show up for dinner. I don’t expect you to. I will still offer. That’s my nature. Merry Chri...

I’m not angry. I’m apathetic. All I want is for you and him to have a nice Christmas. I tried to be a part of that as usual but it’s clear that I’m not needed so less and less of an attempt was made. I’ll do things, but I won’t put the effort into them I usually do.  Today is devoid of anger and I just wish you peace. I just wish you were here with me. I miss waking up beside you on Christmas Day, it used to mean something. I’ve never done that with anyone else by choice, I’ve always been elsewhere on Christmas Day.  It meant something to see him with his gifts too. I always tried to give him a good Christmas, I have tried for years to do it even in my absence, his gifts are here. Your gifts are here. I’m here.  Christmas always meant something to us as a family, it should have stayed that way, the world got in the way… as usual this is where we stand. A Christmas truce, because I can be angry tomorrow.  Today, I just want the day to be full of good cheer and for you...

I am still here. I am still trying. One last fucking time to do the right thing by you. I don’t expect you to show. But I’ll extend the olive branch. That’s who the fuck I am. But I expect nothing.  I haven’t invited you and him for Christmas dinner yet because this year I don’t care, even though it’s likely I will be down there. I’m happy playing the villain. I don’t care anymore.  I don’t know my exact plans because there are too many reasons not to care. I will still do what I plan to do but the when is all kinds of misery business right now. Not sure I want to bother to have that choice.  This time of year just brings depression and anger and nothing to look forward to. I’m not even terribly sure why I put forward the effort some years. 

I have had a really hard time with this last year realizing that we are at 24 of my 48 years of being involved together. You contributed nothing positive to my life except for a child and while I try and have hope that one day things will fix. I’m not an idiot either. All you have ever lead me to is ruin. And ive spent half my life chasing an ideal, a person you’ve never been. There is no reason I should have had you on a pedestal. The only difference between you and i is that I didn’t actively ever try to destroy you and I honoured you as the mother of my child by keeping your secrets even at the loss of my own.  I’m not that guy, I would never have tried to ruin you. You did nothing but to destroy me. Even if those small moments I have had peace you’ve always been around to destroy them anyways. Don’t get me wrong I know we’re toxic, but the balance of that has always lied with you.  5 years you’ve been back in my life, 4 years the ring has sat in the bedroom dormant what ha...

I’m not feeling the next moment again. I’m just going thru the motions because I keep my promises and my word and I know where my heart truly lies. I don’t play games or hide behind illusions. I don’t need to. Everything you get from me is cold hard truth and that’s the tragedy of it. I’ll always try my hardest but that’s never been good enough for you. Always being there isn’t enough. It’s not on your terms.  And I wont relinquish control to you either.  I’m not doing well here, I’m just waiting on the next moment and just like always you’re the humongous anchor that has me standing still to keep things standing still. It’s a good thing I don’t make my decisions on what you need in this life.  As usual it’s all about you as you’re predictable actions this week have shown. You were beautiful together once. That was a long time ago and all our lives have consummated into being is this beautiful tragedy.  You’re the one that has the ashes of your past life surrounding ...

  You’re gifts are here. You’re dinner is here and planned when you want it. You’re Dad is here. I will always be here. I’m proud if the man you are, and maybe you don’t need me in your life anymore. But I’ll be here when and if you do. You’ll always be a part of my life kid.  Go enjoy you’re day and don’t worry about your old man, I’ll be around if needed. Have a happy day and hopefully you have fun. Have a happy day Joshua, I love you. You’re all grown up. I’m proud of that fact. I will always be here if and when you need me. That will never change. 

I expect disappointment. It comes naturally to me especially when it comes to the three of us around this holiday. It doesn’t preclude me from trying, I always will no matter where I am and what I am doing. Because what it Christmas except for hope!!! Someone was born in this day if you believe that represents hope. You and I both do not have much faith but i believe In us. I will always give you the benefit of the doubt at Christmas, because there’s something about us that just means a little more at Christmas.  I will always try. It’s too bad that I expect to make contact this week and have it brushed aside. Because thats what you do. That’s all that you do. You get expectations up and make me think there is more to it then the sad pathetic moments when you need me to be there. And then you fade away. Because thats who we are. We aren’t the couple that spent two christmases together happy and agianst the world. We are the old bitter people that are simply what remains.  If y...