I’m not feeling the next moment again. I’m just going thru the motions because I keep my promises and my word and I know where my heart truly lies. I don’t play games or hide behind illusions. I don’t need to. Everything you get from me is cold hard truth and that’s the tragedy of it. I’ll always try my hardest but that’s never been good enough for you. Always being there isn’t enough. It’s not on your terms. And I wont relinquish control to you either.
I’m not doing well here, I’m just waiting on the next moment and just like always you’re the humongous anchor that has me standing still to keep things standing still. It’s a good thing I don’t make my decisions on what you need in this life.
As usual it’s all about you as you’re predictable actions this week have shown. You were beautiful together once. That was a long time ago and all our lives have consummated into being is this beautiful tragedy. You’re the one that has the ashes of your past life surrounding you. I am the fire that rises from the flames.
I don’t need you to save me the way you constantly need me to save you. I saved myself a very long time ago by figuring out that the only one in my life that will ever truly be there is myself. I don’t need or expect anyone in my life to stay long term. Once upon time you were that great white hope. And then you became the nightmare. I’m not even sure what we are now, and sadder still I am not sure I ever care anymore.
You were the love of my life and that’s the tragedy. There will not be another. Trust me I’ve tried to replace you. Hasn’t happened.
That’s our real tragedy, beautiful tragedy. We will never figure it out with someone else. And because of your actions a third party dear to both of us suffers. As usual.
Nothing ever changes with you. Nothing ever will. I refuse to relinquish control, and you need it absolute. The bad boy act wouldn’t be so attractive if I was willing to settle down so you propagate that myth of the man I used to be… hey at least now the outside matches the inside. Any view you get into my world is by design. Because the door is closed unless i allow a tiny crack to open when you eventually crawl back for a moment.
But that’s all they are, moments… with you there is no substance. There hasn’t been in two decades. I’ll be here always. But it doesn’t mean I always like it, or will Persue things down a dark tunnel to end with nothing.
You once asked why I didn’t fight for you, it’s because you gave me nothing to fight for. Why am I the one that constantly needs to ring the wedding bells of hope. I will be there at the end. That’s affirmative. That’s all I can offer. That’s our beautiful tragedy.
I truly believe that somewhere under all this we both love each other dearly but I am simply a possession in your mind the same as our child is. Or you would lay down your arms and reservations and do what is right for him… but who benefits from that? You don’t so obviously I’m disposable until you need me or can benefit from me. For the well being of all of us, I hope that day you eventually need me never comes.
Only one of us is ready for that eventuality and i don’t think you will ever be ready or can handle it. I’ve made peace with that. Same as I have had to swallow my pride and make peace with a lot of things that have been destroyed in my life.
I made peace with what you are and who I am a very long time ago. I’m not the one still seeking peace in a mind that has never known it.
It’s better when you’re quiet with the silent betrayal because then I’m not expecting the knife to the back at the last minute as usual. I can live with the silence. It’s better when your not in my life anyways.
You expect me to be there when you need me but you never accord me the same fucking respect on the moments in our lives that are important to us both and to him. That’s too bad because you know I always have an answer and a counterweight to that. I always plan for him, you not so much.
But you asked once why I didn’t fight for you. You’re actions proved why I didn’t then, why I don’t now. That’s the beautiful part of our tragedy. I don’t need you. You think you don’t need me. But the reality is you need me to both be the villain hero and albatross, because I’m the only one left.
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