Guess whose still here. 20 years later where you forced upon me the impossible choice. I choose to be happy and do spectacular things. I wanted you to come to dinner for Christmas or Boxing Day but that didn’t happen. I want you here tonight. But that wont happen either. I’ll just continue to do epic shit on my own journey.
I’m at peace I’m not angry. I’m only a little bitter when we hit some of these milestones we should be sharing together. An attempt was made, it’s all I can give or promise you now. One day I might not be able to give you the attempt… there are certainly days now I don’t want to.
But twenty years you made the impossible choice, how would you have ever expected me to come back from that after all we had been thru? And then you confounded original sin with every more.
I have forgiven you, there are days I lie to myself in the mirror and pretend that I completely love you, I do love you, but it is with reservation. There’s only one human on this earth that gets my unconditional love and that’s my son. Especially when it comes to you it’s conditional. You have been forgiven, you and your actions have not been forgotten. We are both in the place we are now because of your actions. Because you never had fucking faith in me.
I’m still here, I’m still wanting to be with you because of a promise I made I can’t walk away from and I wouldn’t anyways because of my kid…
… but there are days I don’t forget. Today is one of them. There is forgiveness but Don’t for a second I don’t remember every moment of our fractured fairytale.
Once again I might have even had hope of something at Christmas or New Years. But that’s because our toxic fucked up view of romanticism would have us back together on the day we split 20 years ago… but that would make too much sense.
There is an offer on the table, and there is one day left. I think you know which day it is. It’s completely up to you to generate the other days in our lives because I only promised 25 in nine months. And it’s the last day. I wont ask before then without a reason and I wont be sitting there twice. There is a reason it didn’t happen yet. But I will be there next year.
Promises to keep. I’ll keep trying this holiday. I can always be bitter and angry tommorow. It’ll be a new year. All is forgiven tonight.
For all the bad memories, we have a lot of good ones. Why just burnt out too fast in a moment that was too early. We were kids. And expected to grow up too fast, like a white dwarf star. We burned out like the white hot bird of flame instead. You mean something in my life, you are loved. I’ll always be here. Whats another twenty years of waiting.
I think I’ll be a lot more at peace turning fifty with or without you in my life than I am this year because we’ve hit those milestones. You’ll get 25 as promised. And when he turns 24 will hit like a dagger to the heart. Maybe you’ll finally offer dinner then. Or at least fucking show up when I offer.
I just want one night, one moment, to be the happy family we should have been. That’s not on me, thats never been on me. You have your part to play in both our damnation and our salvation. But our sins shouldn’t have ever fallen on him.
You showed your true colours last week once agian, when all I did was try. That’s ok, we had fun without you, and dinner was a great meal and we had a blast misbehaving without you and him. It would have been nice of you to join us or at least give me the respect of being his father and the man you claim to still call husband and at least respond to me at Christmas, but I get it. Im only needed when you need me. Never when I want nothing more than a meal with my family or to hear the words merry Christmas from my son.
This is where it ends. 20 years since you left me for good. Tommorow we start over.
You have one day left. Only as promised.
I really missed you over Christmas while I was home. Her too. There was a reason I chose that specific view.
There was a reason i chose Remingtons because I couldn’t give our son Christmas dinner at Casa Doro’. I deserved at least a phone call to say you couldn’t come.
Don’t expect a positive reception at first the next time you think you need me. The promise I made wasn’t made for you, and it isn’t completely about you. I may love you, I won’t deny that, but there are days like today. Where I don’t like you very much.
I have never forgotten that night. And how you made me go home in a blizzard to ask me to come home once I was at my parents.
I’m waiting now for you to ask me to come home. But I won’t ever fucking beg for it.
Happy New Year. 20 years later. I have forgiven, I will never forget what you did twenty years ago this day.
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