Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

I’m not angry. I’m apathetic. All I want is for you and him to have a nice Christmas. I tried to be a part of that as usual but it’s clear that I’m not needed so less and less of an attempt was made. I’ll do things, but I won’t put the effort into them I usually do.

Today is devoid of anger and I just wish you peace. I just wish you were here with me. I miss waking up beside you on Christmas Day, it used to mean something. I’ve never done that with anyone else by choice, I’ve always been elsewhere on Christmas Day.

It meant something to see him with his gifts too. I always tried to give him a good Christmas, I have tried for years to do it even in my absence, his gifts are here. Your gifts are here. I’m here.

Christmas always meant something to us as a family, it should have stayed that way, the world got in the way… as usual this is where we stand. A Christmas truce, because I can be angry tomorrow.

Today, I just want the day to be full of good cheer and for you and him to have a happy Christmas. That’s all I need. Or want.

Dinner has been offered if you want to come. I just want you and him to have a happy day. I just wish I was there.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

51.

Happy birthday. Hope you are happy and enjoying yourself. I like that we are civil and communicating but i also think you need to take some introspective time and decide the next step. I want you to be happy whether or not I am a part of your life. And i am trying very hard to be. Today, this weekend. I just want to talk to you, hear you laugh..maybe even see you smile. Thats all i want. For you to enjoy your day and hear happy Birthday from me and my son. Thats all you need..to know you are loved. Happy Birthday Baby. You are always loved. No matter what. Unconditional.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

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