Skip to main content

The Lost Christmas Eve II



I expect disappointment. It comes naturally to me especially when it comes to the three of us around this holiday. It doesn’t preclude me from trying, I always will no matter where I am and what I am doing. Because what it Christmas except for hope!!! Someone was born in this day if you believe that represents hope. You and I both do not have much faith but i believe In us. I will always give you the benefit of the doubt at Christmas, because there’s something about us that just means a little more at Christmas. 


I will always try. It’s too bad that I expect to make contact this week and have it brushed aside. Because thats what you do. That’s all that you do. You get expectations up and make me think there is more to it then the sad pathetic moments when you need me to be there. And then you fade away. Because thats who we are. We aren’t the couple that spent two christmases together happy and agianst the world. We are the old bitter people that are simply what remains. 


If you ever truly needed me I would be there. The fact I am not is evidence I will never be there. And whether it’s ignorance or acknowledgment this week I already know that it will end in more false hope. Because thats all it ever is. 


But this isn’t about you, it hasn’t been for twenty years. I always try to be there for my son in December. Because I am his father. And I will always be there for both of you. Even if it means I’ll never live up to your expectations. That boy I once was loved you, this man, he doesn’t know anymore. But that boy was way more likely to live up to your expectations. But you destroyed him.  This man’s a little more resilient. And there is the fact that you can’t destroy what is already broken beyond all repair. 


The birthday letter is written. I expect you to ignore it. I’m a toy that doesn’t serve your purposes. So i get it, I don’t live my life for you anyways. But I’ll go thru the motions anyways because I have to. It’s not about you, it never has been and it’s about being able to one day look him in the face and say I tried. I’ve done that. 


This is the last moment I really need to.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no lon...
Post a Comment
Read more

Serpent's Kiss.

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth.  I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable.  there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th...
Post a Comment
Read more