Frustration Station.

i am slowly trying to maintian a balance between the positivity and the negativity that currently embrace my life... i am sick of trying to deal with beuacratic nightmares when i am trying to be positive and make a diffrence in mine as well as other's lifes... i don't need early morning bullshit when you don't have any better of an answer than the one i have already provided, things need to be done and now. i'd like to be employed and being a positive member of society not a drain on society, i just spent six fucking months dealing with the dregs of society in a job i only took to provide for my family. i am losing patience with the goverment and with everyone around me. i feel i am in a hole i can no longer dig myself out of and i don't know what to do... but fuck... i'm trying to find a way out of it.

it's probaly both cathatric and healthy/unhealthy for me but i'm writing poetry and angered emotions in my little black book agian, some of it is positive but not all of it is... it is a release of emotions and i am suddenly more and more aware of that fact and more cogniscant of it.

Current Mood: frustrated but hopeful.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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