Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's official, I am getting fucking fed up with this nonsense, they know their are concerns on her, and they know she is a flight risk and they know i have a fucking court ordered right to access to my son that includes time during the summer, this is an attack pure an simple a fucking attempt to destroy me and the fact that people are deliberately cooling their fucking heels instead of moving and resorting to action puts the ball in my court, it's time to get a fucking lawyer and start pushing back and hard.. this is ridiculous all she has ever wanted is to excise me from his fucking life because she thinks I'm not good enough from her, but you made a choice to be with me and to have my child, if you didn't want to be with me you shouldn't have lied down in our bed, but then again, you get what you expect when you lie down with a whore... but it's nice to see the system assisting with the destruction of my family, once wasn't good enough, you ruined me as a

Today things are going to change, I am going to start dealing with things head on instead of letting time pass me by and hoping for the best, i have to approach this as calmly as possible but stand firm in my convictions and beliefs and be the best possible dad, just like i have always been, only an evil person seeks to drag me down, and she's involved people that have no right being involved in our lives into this, as long as i stand strong and don't let the little things defeat me i should be fine, it's better to be right and firm than to admit defeat, and losing even against all odds, has never been part of my make up, when it comes to fight or flee impulses, me impulse is never to flee but only to fight...to win. Current Mood: Determined. Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.

Sitting around all weekend brooding accomplishes nothing, today i took the time to get some of my gears in order and start moving back to a place where i can call a normal life, i can't let this thing or these people consume me, esp.. when i find that even my employer is playing a game of the avoid dance, it figures, no one is going to take responsibility.. because there's no point in supporting someone if they are innocent and they know that, it's about money, not about the man.... I can't imagine how pissed off i am at everyone, i am so exhausted from the fucking endless insomnia that i literally had to force myself to stay awake all day today to do business i needed to do, burning both ends of the candle isn't healthy and i don't want to keep doing it but for a few days it is necessary. there is a feeling inside at the pit of my my fucking stomach that is pure anger, but i know as long as hold my head up high and listen to my heart and mind that i can overc

Another day where it might be possible the answers are more forthcoming, but it seems more likely that I am still staring down a black hole... every question is answered by a question and every answer always has a question, at least there are a few small things that are happening and maybe there will soon be and end to this, but the fact that i am being pushed in a direction I do not feel is fair is pissing me off....I am not about to sacrifice my career on a witch hunt and it continues to feel like they need to justify this even without proof.... but of course, My next move is with my rook against their knight not the queen. Current Mood: Angry. If you know your enemy and you know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself you will succumb in every battle.

I'm not sure who is lying to me at this point re: employment but i think it's time i start making some fucking calls and finding out and confronting the lies and bullshit nonsense of my employer, If what i suspect is true then on top of everything else, the issues going to end up involving the labor board, Someone at the end of the line has to tell me whats going on...One of the biggest things bothering me is a comment made by management when i asked for a reference during this nonsense and i was refused, but i got told that this thing is almost done,which means they are basically washing there hands of me anyways, because after the vacation pay and the record of employment there's not too much needed for them to provide me with, but they need to be able to provide answers and references, i am owed that. I would not be asking for a fucking reference if it wasn't fucking relevant right now..I don't trust anyone, but you would think 2 and a half years working for the

Another useless day of half truths and bullshit, it's not like my life is important.. i am pretty good at telling when someone is lying to me and it's time to start getting aggressive and dealing with these people on the same terms they are dealing with me, it's always good to find out that when dealing with the child's best interests that the father is always taken out of the equation because we are the lesser part of the equation, all the father is good for is the wallet and financial support when it comes to the system, that is very clear to me... It doesn't fucking help when things are very apparent from an employment standard that there is no support and there won't be, it's unlikely i will return to my job as i have somewhat made a personal decision not to, I don't like being lied to and I'm not sure exactly who is lying but it's obvious someone in the system is covering there own ass, Of course i would not be surprised if it was my employ

Sick of sitting around and waiting, it's time to take the fight to the very same people that are not doing anything except propagating the Nonsense in my life, I have some serious things i can use to fight back, and i think that it's time for me to start using some of the information and abilities in my possession to start to take the battle back to them, I Should not be sitting home alone this father's day weekend, and it's time to make these people be accountable for their actions, this effects my life, my employment, my entire mental health, It's not even about me.. but when do these people realize they are doing more harm than good? OH yeah that's right.. they are always right.. and I'm Just a Group Home Kid I have No rights, 2 and a half years of past employment, 10 years in the field, numerous references, A million Incident reports to Niagara and the fact that Toronto actually supported me in my carreer goals should come into play, you would think that

I am sick of feeling like a prisoner of war in my own life, the time for patience is done, it's not time for me to start fighting back, this is a theater of war and it's time for me to use my intelligence and my skills and my contacts to deal with this, I'm not angry but i am getting to a point where enough is enough and i would rather go down in flames for what i believe in and what's important than to sit here and let the system dictate my life again, I've evolved past that, the fact that old wounds have been reopened by one i used to trust to gain a tactical advantage is going to backfire on her and those that she surrounds her with, I'm waiting, I've lost patience and it's time to make some aggressive movements to counter some of this nonsense but i should never have sat on it in the first place, i should never hold a belief that people are good and will do the right thing... that's not why they have jobs, that's not why i have a job.... the

In 5 days it will have been two fucking Months, No one is answering calls or/or answering questions, It's time to go on the the fucking offensive, I'm innocent, It's time to involve the lawyers in this shit... this is more of my ex wife's nonsense to continue to keep my son out of my life, and there is a deep anger growing inside, my fucking patience level is at all time high, If there is a hell it has to be a more comfortable place than wear i am currently standing. There is no point to this, she is going to be exposed for the lunatic she is and that this is all a way to avoid getting a fucking lawyer once again, but of course who needs a fucking lawyer when you can have the authorities use falsehoods against you,of course I need a lawyer before I become railroaded into something I have not done... like i said before, please stick me in jail, 24-7 fight club... and I'll sit every freaking day on my head until i am released without ever pleading guilty because i am

It's time to start working on things and doing things, I have some good ideas in my head from people around me and it's time to deal with the issues at hand instead of waiting around to be led upon a leash to be told what to do, I don't have anything to hide and I know exactly who I am and what I am not so I am going to unleash some of the anger that i supposedly have buried deep inside in some positive ways and start dealing with this fucking bullshit. because at the end of the day it's not about me... Current Mood: Determined. Emotion turning back on itself, and not leading on to thought or action, is the element of madness.

I should not be having Nightmares about Something happening to my son's mother, when one dreams of suicide it shouldn't be about someone who is the mother of his child, I am starting to fear the darkness and closing my eyes because i am having these dreams agian where you leave our boy all alone in this world other than me, I know sometimes I can get visions with some real clarity in my dreams and I am afriad of your unstable mental state that someday one of these horrible nightmares might come true.... for all the anger and hate behind these blue eyes of mine you are still his mother and that will never change, I just Can't process the fact that I am having these dreams And it scares me knowing the nonsense you have subjected that little boy and me to in his life, that something like this isn't out of the question in my mind, hopefully I'm just dreaming and it's my own subconcious internalizing things, but I'm not Convinced of that. Current Mood: Tired. Whe

It appears everything will soon be at at end and it will be time to start to returning to normal or my life as it currently stands will be completely obliterated, by wednesday i should have some fucking answers and I will be vindicated, It's time to start going threw the motions to start putting the pieces back together in my life, thank god i am a strong person or mentally i would not have been able to persevere threw this nonsense and i would not be able to deal with someone once that I would have died for, decided to stick the knife and twist it in the deepest hole, There are lesser ways to destroy a man without attempting to destroy his soul while you are at it, the light inside my eyes has started to die out and is being replaced by a new kind of black fire, anger and hatred will probaly serve me better in the future in dealings with you anyways, at least this time i plan on holding nothing back, i will use everything i have to protect myself and those that I care about, Up un

I know that I have a dark and angrier side that a lot of the time i have to try very hard to control, my anger is very easy for me to release and It's been very trying over the last little while to contain it on people that have no right opening old wounds, I left my former life behind when i grew up and realized that it would be easy for me to be the man with no name and no past when it comes to ancient history, of course now, all of that ancient history comes back to haunt me and all the anger inside is once agian bubbling forth, all my systems of controls are barely able to control it.. at one point in my life being young and angry and driven served me well and i was able to focus that energy like a sword, but now i feel when and if I loose control there will be plenty of collateral damage and the very people that need to be protected will the ones most hurt, even if i take my anger out on myself. Current Mood: Angst, Anger Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view