Crucified Immortals.

The darkness inside of me and the Hate and anger is a part of me... it's what drives me.. it's something you could never understand... now it's the only thing i have to cling to... as my world is crumbling due to the actions of another... my heart and soul stolen.... and you know exactly what i mean.. and exactly what was taken.....everything....everything i am is gone...and freinds are another distant connection whom i have willingly walked away and away from agian and agian.... there is a reason i ran away to windsor and never looked back.... at least in windsor it's a world away and the system can't shackle and crucify me to be exactly what the planned for me.... for years i pretended i didn't have a past... and then one person decides she's going to use the knowledge and the half truths about what she knows about me to destroy me.... no judge, no jury, no conviction in a court of law.... just words.... her lies... and i'm dead inside..... there's nothing left of me... except that hate and anger i cling too....maybe if the knife hadn't dulled over the years...maybe if i had been a stone cold rock and not let people in like the original plan... i would be in a better place.... maybe i would be dead... maybe everything has a fucking reason and this is a learning experince.... all i know... is my biggest support, my best freind is there... just like he has been since '99.. always believing in me....everything about me is chipping away.... and there's no rock underneath.. not anymore.... i don't know who i am anymore... everything i used to define myself by.. gone....maybe you will read this maybe you won't.. but it needed to be said... someone asked me a while ago if i had any regrets.... i said one.......but i have No remorse, my life is what it has become... and i am still in control of my destiny.... i am not going anywhere...and i am going to end up a more militant critic of the system, I am going to become the voice of the voiceless... when this is all said and done and i am eventually vindicated... there is going to be a paradigm shift.

Current Mood: Depressed.
There are no absolutes in human misery and things can always get worse.

When I needed you most when I needed a friend, you let me down now like I let you down then

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number. I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no longer

Fuel Injected Suicide Machine.

Pissing me off is never a good fucking option. I have a life and I don’t need to make fucking sacrifices for anyone if I choose not to. I’m getting real fed up with simply being expected to do and arrange things so someone else can have a fucking escape. This is starting to become a fucking pattern in my life. Some I choose to do for, but others, when I’m starting to notice a fucking pattern? I’m gone. I will always be gone. The fact I have yet to step foot in England when I have a secondary place to stay should speak volumes in terms of this freindship and how it’s no longer even. I’m sick of things only being halfway when I’m trying with certain fucking people and I can bail and close ranks and not give a flying fuck about anyone anymore when I’m not being treated with respect esp. given to mine and my brothers financial situation. I don’t mind making sacrifices but I’m still going to make sure that my main fucking priorities are taken care of. I’m not going to pretend to keep th

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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