Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's time to start feeling good about myself agian, I have plans to go away and recharge the batteries in this summer sun and enjoy myself on the river for a few weeks to a month, everything at home can take care of it itself seeing how the rent is paid and next months isn't an issue in a hurry... it's good to have people around me that care and are willing to have my side in this battle...I know i have the upper hand in this battle it's just the long wait that takes so damn long... maybe when i get home things will have improved to a point where things will slowly get back to normal, that's one of the reason i'm taking this break, to recharge batteries but also, get ready for the oncoming battle... i spent 5 years of my life in Windsor and all of my meaningful relationships outside of family, save that one, are from Windsor....it's time to go home for a while and be myself. Current Mood: Hopeful. The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enem

I need to start doing something With my life, I am a lot fucking more than the sum of my collective history, people that can only see the child i was 20+ years ago should really take the rose coloured glasses off, My experinces have shaped me, affected me and altered me... But i struggled long and hard to be a better person and better parent as well, i am sick of being judged for one singluar moment in time and having that said past once shared by someone i thought i could love and even trust be twisted into what it has become, the long wait grows shorter every fucking day and soon things will hopefully be back to normal... but i will never forget, it's pretty sad that my experinces in the group home and in my life have confirmed what i always thought, once a product of the system your are always going to be damaged goods and a product of the system and it is something that can be used agianst, that being said I am a very smart individual and i know how to use my experinces, my pa

I can sit around and hate my life and my current place in the universe or i can get up off my ass and do something about it, the anger and the emotions have been bubbling below for so long... I think it's time to be proactive rather than apathetic... I am making plans and I am silently waiting for my best time for an attack... but if my personal life is going to be torn to shreds in an effort to destroy me, i will give you No quarter when it becomes time for me to do the same... there is no reason for me to wait and suffer or for Him to do the same, these are just the actions of a petty person and as the clock ticks, ticks,tock down to absolute vindication it will be proven, not by me, not my the system but by time.... I will not be the one he grows up to hate, and that is the the truth of the matter, so I will attack you with everything I have and more, just like you have against me. Current Mood: Angry. There will be no mercy, only slain bodies and taken souls.

Another day closer to an end, it's always interesting trying to match wits with someone who thinks they have the higher ground yet the get rebuked by someone with an even higher ground, it's time for me to get my act in gear and start making the promises i have made to myself and my son to come to fruition, I am sick of dealing with double speak and the fact that I am sitting around waiting for my world to change, it's time to take the bull by the horns and make these things happen... I can't continue to wallow in my own darkness and wait for something to change, apathy serves nothing, I have already been destroyed, it's time for me to fight back hard and make sure that the truth comes out and that the reality of the matter comes to the forge.... I have never backed down before, I am not about to now, it's time to start plotting and planning and start getting my shit together and be ready for this final fight. Current Mood: Pissed Off. If you live among wolve

I don't understand what the fuck I ever left Windsor for, kraft dinner and pickles and to have my entire life destroyed, It's not just enough to be poor but to be so pathetically poor i can't even afford a coffee? It's pretty sad when you are broken down to a point where you are basically just at a functional level and there's not much left within you to keep going other than sheer determination and drive, this is exactly what Is wanted tho, for me to be at wits and ready to fucking surrender, yet there is a whole thing of being an option that I cannot and will not ever do that, It's just fucking sad...I should have options out there instead of just sitting around waiting for the next day and the day after that.... soon very soon I am going to leave Hamilton for an extended time, right about fucking now i have some serious questions about returning, I don't know how much longer i can survive with my heart ripped out and having to survive on food i wouldn'

It's time to be proactive and start preparing the inevitable battle and being ready for anything that coems my way, It's better to try than to sit around in abject failure and wait for things to crumble even farther, I would rather fail trying to do the right thing than have to deal with the questioning factor of what would happen if i just did nothing, I have to keep trying to find every possible solution, I have spent the last week in hell, this is the first blow across the hull it's time to fight back and constantly fight back and never give up until the end, It doesn't matter at this point about anything, until the end when the smoke clears and the bodies lay on the ground, it's time to start using what i can to change the situation. sick of being trapped in a corner and waiting, it's time to strike back, it's time to win. Current Mood: Determined. You must make your first strike so powerful that there is no need for a second.

Things are starting to come together, knowing that i have my supports and the people that truly do care about me are making this battle much easier to bear, the fact that the games can no longer be played and that the facts are more important than the vapor trails of the last year means that soon i will be able to prepare for this this final battle and emerge victorious, it's interesting to see the games that have been played and how at the final moment they will be proven... I am sick of fighting but i am making plans so that once this is all said and done i will not and cannot end the fight until final victory... hopefully it's coming soon, Only the dead have seen the end of war. Current Mood: Positive. An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men.

The more I think about it the more it disturbs me that good or bad the fact that my past before i was an adult is a defining factor in my life and affects everything I touch, usually making them wither and die, even the one good and pure thing in my life Has not been adversely affected, and that's because someone with a deep need to inflict hate upon me has used all the knowledge of the past to inflict deep wounds, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being strong, I'm sick and tired of pretending at the end of the day that the deep and bitter wounds of yesterday won't still be there, I have to keep fighting because that's all I know how to fucking do.. but it's sad when i have people around me defending me and willing to help prop me up when i am at my weakest, but none of that matters because the words of charlatans and betrayers mean more than the honest truth, one day their will hopefully be a vindication but A day like today that day seems so far off, of

I don't know what i'm still doing in Hamilton, I don't know what i'm fucking doing with my life, any time i seem to get ahead in life things fall apart and start spiraling down the tubes, it's like i was defined by things i did as a fucking child and they won't let go.... I dealt with my demons a long time ago but people keep bringing them back up like the bile of an Eldritch abomination, I love my son and i will do anything for him but I don't know how much longer i can keep going on like this, When i am staring at the same dark path everyday and realizes one day that this will all be over one way or another and I just see the same thing over and over and it's not just my life, or my career that's over it's everything... destroyed with one action, I am so in disbelief that the system failed me so badly and now they are just covering their ass, Shit that happened when i was a kid should not define me my entire fucking life.... and my son's...

The pain and hurt is there again, just like a freshly salted wound... nothing like an absolute betrayal, i spent the night crying and being angry and bitter, I'm fucking hurting deep inside, it's not even the actual betrayal by the other party that affects me anymore, that was expected, it's the absolute let down and the Huge Fucking Machete in my back by the fucking system, it wasn't bad enough that they fucked up my childhood, now they have to destroy my son's relationship with me on the word of a lunatic, all the warning signs were there, but of course in their documents the only thing that rings true is that I'm a former crown ward with a fucking questionable past, and therefor i'm guilty.... Until proven innocent, when this is all over and i clear my fucking name i am going to have to do a serious reevaluation of my fucking life and career and what i want out of it, at this point, with the wound so deep and so fresh i fucking wonder if I could ever go b

Another day and not much accomplished but at least little victories will eventually pave the way for something better to happen, I'm just sick of the constant battle and fighting, I didn't sign up for this and the game continues to be played, Of course stall tactics can't work forever and the end of the road is becoming somewhat clear and I even wonder if it's really gonna be that far down the road at this point. I am hoping that sane minds prevail and expose this for what it really is, the game is changing and i can't say that I am not happy about that particular fact. Current Mood: Tired, Determined. If I'm gonna go down I'm gonna do it with style. You won't hear me surrender, you won't hear me confess cause you've left me with nothing but I have worked with less.