The pain and hurt is there again, just like a freshly salted wound... nothing like an absolute betrayal, i spent the night crying and being angry and bitter, I'm fucking hurting deep inside, it's not even the actual betrayal by the other party that affects me anymore, that was expected, it's the absolute let down and the Huge Fucking Machete in my back by the fucking system, it wasn't bad enough that they fucked up my childhood, now they have to destroy my son's relationship with me on the word of a lunatic, all the warning signs were there, but of course in their documents the only thing that rings true is that I'm a former crown ward with a fucking questionable past, and therefor i'm guilty.... Until proven innocent, when this is all over and i clear my fucking name i am going to have to do a serious reevaluation of my fucking life and career and what i want out of it, at this point, with the wound so deep and so fresh i fucking wonder if I could ever go back into Child welfare ever again, and more to the fucking point would I even want to, it's sad when you see the actual fucking moment that you stop caring about an aspect of your life that once you felt so deeply about, but you know what My child, My Blood comes first, The system has let me down more than once and if it means a new fucking path, then so be it.... but i will have the opportunity to go back to it at the end of the day, I'm just not sure that the drive to care about other peoples broken children is there anymore, when the system has broken me and mine.
Current mood: Sad, Angry, Depressed, Hurt.
A tortured childhood is no excuse for being a monster. I know.
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