Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am pissed off by my own mistakes today, i need to make more careful decisions, it's not the end of the world but even tho i gave someone a good deal i feel i was taken advantage of to a high degree esp. if i was to replace both figures it would cost me over a hundred right now.. I need to stand firm when people are jackasses... i am an asshole i should be acting like one.. my good nature and the fact that I am a nice guy backfired on me today and while it's salvageable it's still a fucking piss off because I have to scrambler to deal with it... what's done is done No regrets but i will be carefully choosing who i let into my house to do a fucking business transaction with next time... i don't like being bullied into something i don't want.. hopefully they pay for themselves... bu i feel very fucking ripped off.. and it's not so much you stole from me it's the fact you stole from a child... Sometimes i fucking hate dealing with douche bag collectors...

Today was a rough day as I had to make a decision to sell something of my son's when I was put on the spot on a large transaction, i didn't not mind as it was damaged and I'm sure I can likely easily replace it with the newer version or the exact same toy but it still sunk my heart a little to have so see that piece go.. I know clearing out stuff is good and will help with less of the subtle reminders that at my core I am still a fucking DADDY and that's something No one No matter her anger can take away from me... it just hurt a little to let the toy go as it was one of his favorite things but like all things it is a replaceble thing and right now it's probaly easier to let stuff be replaced rather than stockpiling a great amount of toys that may never be played with because of one person that doesn't have anything but her selfish needs and wants in mind... it's always a battle when choosing what the next step in my life is going to be, but the reality is.

Another day in which that I am waiting for something in my life to change, I feel like this stalemate has gone on for far too long and it's time to get fucking proactive, there is only so much of the nothingness in my life i can currently stand... I am making chess moves against an invisible enemy protected but all the rules of society, meanwhile I starve and have to cobble together bits of my life back from wherever they went.. ten years ago things were not like this... I walked away heart broken but my head still strong on my shoulders.. of course.. that decade led to entrapment... I love my son.. but every moment of his life has been used against me by her as a carefully connected plan for complete control.. anyone that knows me knows that i don't like being controlled... and No one... not even myself is ever going to be controlling my thoughts, emotions, actions, and views... I am a single minded person right now and I am moving the chess pieces where they have to go.. but

I am Sick of waiting for things to change, And i am sicker still of feeling like my life is an endless loop of the same garbage day in and day out for almost 30 years... it's time to reevaluate everything and remember exactly who I am and who I fought to be and not let the world bring me down to my knees on so many occasions, I am moving farther away from any type of nice or light person and descending further into my own anger darkness, While sometime I may be able to use this as fuel there after often other times it leaves me with crippling depression and anger and I don't know what the next step in my life is going to be after two years in purgatory, but i Do know and understand that the next step, the next chess move is mine and mine alone to make and I am making it. it's not about victory, it's not about where my soul is going to end up at the end of this road, it's about something else... I already know i'm damaged, but he shouldn't be. it's not h

I have too much going on to be sidetracked by people who should mean nothing to me, and their petty behaviors, I should not have lost sleep or be this angry about a small matter of someone else being a douche... This has never been a battle for me about my axe to grind and the only thing this battle has ever been about is my son. I am angry at the system yeah, but those of you that know me and know my entire life experinces know exactly why I am angry agianst them, of course the only real change I ever attempted to make was from within, until a jealous and petty person took that away from me for the moment... But at this point it is time for me to have focus and not spend my time with assholes that are beneath me and their petty delusions. Anger can be used as a tool or it can destroy and I'd like my flame to burn brighter than the Destroying flame I see all around me. Current Mood: Angry, Depressed. Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does.

When things decide to fall apart or get better things don't improve at all, I am sick of fighting a war of words and a battle within as much as it is without, There is not much left in my life that leaves with a sense of warmth but i have a good home and good people around me and It is frustrating to see them deal with some of the same bullshit demons that have chased me the last few years, everything is just a battle and it's not fucking fair... i have seen true injustice in this world and it not what I spend my days and nights starving fighting a losing battle, I often wonder how much easier my life would be if i hadn't stuck to my guns on every fucking level and stayed in Windsor, or left now to go back to Windsor or even better Vancouver, but the reality is I need to stick to my guns and be exactly where I am in my life... Because I am a Dad, and that is and always will be the number one priority in my life no matter the battle. Current Mood: Depressed. A wise man fi

I am Sick of waiting for my life to return back to normal and for things to be as they once were, the reality is that it is likely things will never return to the way they used to be and instead new experiences will be forged, my life should not be this way, it has been ten years since I walked away from all the bullshit inherent in that former relationship, and I should never have looked back, this is all games and mind games and chess pieces, there is nothing left but to have been destroyed, I feel nothing but anger and rage towards you and I wonder why that you would choose to destroy and innocent to gain advantage over me and me alone... but then I remember that karma is a bitch and it will end up hurting you as much as you have hurt me... and I do not weep over things that have died, you choose to destroy whatever emotion I had left over for you a long time ago, Now I fight against you, Not for you, not to continue this weary battle that I hate, But because their is one person tha

This new start has not been a bad thing, I am starting to remember who i used to be, I am not a closed off in my own little world although anytime i choose or want to be i can do so, but when i am hanging out or even talking to both old and new friends and doing the things that need to be done I am starting to feel a little less lonely and that I am not the only one in the world fighting awful battles, It would be very easy to close myself off from the world but I have to remember only I define exactly who i am in this world and as long as I remember that I'll be fine, there are people out there that know who I really am and they are important... it's about being the person i was a decade ago, it's about being driven and directed and knowing exactly where and what i want in this life... the battle is only a small part of that and i should not be and i refuse to be dominated by it. Current Mood: Driven. I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here.

I have Demons, I have backed away or shied away from that fact.. they don't dictate what i do in my life however, I am getting frustrated by the fact that it is another day of just hitting brick walls and today I can't even leave Dundas do to cash flow to get anything else done in my life, I once felt trapped so far away in Windsor, Now i long for it... I almost wonder sometimes why the decisions I have made in my life to be a bleeding heart and to try and be a positive person were worth it, looking back on my life I am not so sure, espically with everyone I knew professionally stabbing me in the back, at least i have a home that i can keep a roof over my head and some good family and friends that see the true me above and beyond all the poisons that have infected my life and very sanity, this battle is long and hard and it's good to have support. it's even better to remember exactly what I'm fighting for and whom. as long i remeber I have both of those I'll be

I am not happy with trying to do the right thing and trying to get assitance and things accomplished and deal with these people that I need to deal with, and then have the enemy issue direct threats... at this point it's time to get a lawyer even if I have to sell my fucking soul to the devil...i'm not dealing with direct threats and I am trying to get all the information and all of the things that need to get done... It's about that little boy nothing else, and everyone but me seems to have other things on their mind... It's going to be a wonderful day one day when that child hates the system as bitterly as I do when he comes to me and asks what the hell happened in his life and I have to explain that It was the sins of my past not even as an adult but in my own childhood that damaged his....and his mother's crazed search for revenge against me, I have no idea what I ever did to anger her so except walk away when it was clear she was poison to my life... I am Sick