Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another day, Another battle.. the same fucking One. this is what My life has came to.. my entire life is fucking poison to everyone around me.. maybe i should stop having hopes and dreams of returning to what for me passes for a normal life... and just go live like a fucking hermit... or better yet.. I've had the abyss staring into me for so long it's still staring back.. just fade away.... I'm Done with the burning Out, Sick of fighting and always losing, yet every fucking time that I do, I always get back up stronger and Continue fighting, the fire, the phoniex, But somehow everytime i get back up from being knocked down just a little stronger I end up feeling weaker and even more sicker of fighting, but i will not let anyone else be affected because of me and my life.. i will choose to walk away, that is the story of my life... Wherever I may roam, it's better not to make attachments and fight my battles alone... it's something that I have had to do my entire lif

I have nothing to fear any more from these people but the safety and security of people I care about, they have destroyed my life, i have lived as a nomad most of my life raising stakes and moving on has never been an issue for me... the fact is that one of the people here took a risk and took me in when no one else would and even members of my own family were not helping because of the internal family politics and my adversarial personality.. I will fight for my friends and family regardless.. and right now the lines are very fucking blurred... these fucking cocksuckers took my little boy away from me and destroyed my life and my true core family of two, i will not let them do it to anyone else i care about, i will fight them with all my knowledge, education and power. I am fucking scared right now, but i am pretty sure legally they are just as scared of me... at least this time they fucking came to my front door instead of the slow knife to the back, No escape, No surrender... With m

I am very impressed by my experiences with everyone that helped today, it was fucking awesome and the people I have in my life for the most part i am grateful to have as helpers and it was very cool to Do the things I did and have everyone helping today, a Minor thing was missing and I really hope that in the future I get the chance to experience things like this with him... because goddamn it was fucking cool.. and it's something taken away just a little bit...but he would have enjoyed himself, I was impressed by how well it came together and i cannot wait for the next big show...All told today and yesterday had to be one the most fucking fun things I have done in a long fucking while... and to be honest... this is all due to my son, i would not be where i am right now in my life if i hadn't have made some hard choices last year.. but it worked out for the best... and it will continue to be... things like today dull the pain but he is not forgotten, and I wanted him there with

Today was awesome and much better than expected, i had some pretty neat experiences and I have some serious sales and managed to keep my life going exactly where I want it.. sometimes people you count on aren't around, which shouldn't surprise me because there has been a pattern to that, but sometimes you find better friends as a result, and it's not that i am angry it's just that I'm frustrated by people not keeping their word... I kept mine and he had an awesome time and hopefully next year someone that i am even closer to will get to experience that experience, it fucking sucks that i am not allowed currently to share these types of experiences with him, but next year.. hopefully that will change till then time to focus and keep remembering who i am, what i am capable of, and who exactly I can be. Current Mood: Happy Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication.

Things were not as frustrating as I expected and good planning saw to that, tommorow and sunday should be decent but planning and being ready played a large part in what could have been an absolute clusterfuck... make no mistake tommorow is my show and my show alone... and i am very grateful for the help but it is on me whether or not this weekend is a success so i am very much hoping that i have an awesome weekend and move a lot of things and move everything i can... i am very happy to be where i am and have the sister that i do that does go out of her way to help... freinds... take em or leave em but i had a blast tonight and will continue to do all weekend. Current Mood: Focused. What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

I am fucking frustrated, today is not coming together the way I planned and last minute decisions by more than one person makes me wonder why the hell I try and haven't packed up and said fuck everything and gone back to Windsor...or elsewhere. I am sick of fighting to keep food on my table and in my stomach when almost everything i have has been taken away from em and the one good thing that hasn't always becomes an issue and an battle.. fuck it... next time i have a big show I'll do things solo and without asking for help. i don't like supposed fucking friends that are supposed to show up and then bail at the last minute...when they are the ones that want to go more than I do... I don't like having a ton of stuff in my basement packed up and prepared for something only to get told well maybe they're will be enough room...I have had to plan this out for weeks... this is not some little bullshit show.. this is THE show.. it's very frustrating to have things

I am sick of fighting battles, and I am sick of doing the right fucking thing and having it blow up in my fucking face. i might as well move back to Windsor and forgot that i ever had a fucking life outside of fucking drinking alcohol and partying with my friends and busking... because it almost fucking seems like that is all i fucking have left. My life is a shitstorm and it's not fucking fair. I am losing my fucking mind again over something that i have been trained to do... what the fucking hell.... maybe i need to seriously consider walking away and letting her win, if not i'll just end up homeless and fucking destitute the longer I stay in Hamilton... i'd rather be poor and drunk in Windsor than homeless and creating chaos in other peoples lives here. I am sick of fighting this never ending battle and never fucking getting ahead.... I am finally getting ahead in my own battle and then this kind of fucking shit happens... it's never going to stop, these people want

I am starting to move the chess pieces forward, there has been enough time for sitting on my ass and doing nothing nothing, while i currently have responsibilities and other outside interests, My number one and only true priority is my son, everything planned and every action has an exact reason for why i do them, and there is a move forward to each one... unfortunately it seems sometimes I am the only One that can Move forward without Direction, and people sit on their hands and asses without doing anything.... I am just as responsible as anyone, but after two years... there should be some fucking movement... It's time for me to be firm, it's time for me to get things done, there are no fucking excuses, there is no fucking reason for me to stop giving everyone everything I can, it's not me i give a damn about, that's not what the light at the end of the tunnel is... Never Stop Giving them Hell. I need to do the things that are right by me and my kid and every action d

A lot of the time it is easier for me to make belive and play the villain or the asshole... it's easier and I'm not accountable to anyone else but myself when i do that... but once agian in my fucking life I have responsibilities.... and while it rips out my heart that he's not here to enjoy himself hanging out with me.. i do have responsibilities to him and to others this summer. it's not about being angry and being Dr. Doom hiding in My room angry at the world, it's about the action i need to see in my life... it's time to do the things that need to be done in both my personal and professional life and make this shit work. I can be angry later i don't have time for that right now. it's time to protect what i have and protect what I want to have.. that little boy means everything to me and too much has been taking away from him, but i will continue to play the villain there for a moment longer if it makes it easier to rationalize everything away, but vi

I don't like standing in the shadows being the dark protector of everything good in my life and fighting every battle to protect those I care about... It seems like an eternal dark cloud follows my life and everyone around it and everything involved in my life turns to fucking shit... even when there is daylight i summarily not impressed by other's actions in my life and how it affects me... the last month has been very hard Likely for all of us because of a demonic dark cloud hovering above... I am frustrated by the way things have been and the way things are.. i am frustrated by watching someone's actions affect my life when it should be my little boy I'm hanging out with all summer and not being frustrated and depressed by everything around me.. this isn't fucking fair.. I did everything right, i went to school, i got the good job, i tried to be a good husband and father..only to get stabbed in the back, yet fucking assholes get everything and they get easily..