War Journal VI: Another Kind Of Evil....

I am sick of fighting battles, and I am sick of doing the right fucking thing and having it blow up in my fucking face. i might as well move back to Windsor and forgot that i ever had a fucking life outside of fucking drinking alcohol and partying with my friends and busking... because it almost fucking seems like that is all i fucking have left. My life is a shitstorm and it's not fucking fair. I am losing my fucking mind again over something that i have been trained to do... what the fucking hell.... maybe i need to seriously consider walking away and letting her win, if not i'll just end up homeless and fucking destitute the longer I stay in Hamilton... i'd rather be poor and drunk in Windsor than homeless and creating chaos in other peoples lives here. I am sick of fighting this never ending battle and never fucking getting ahead.... I am finally getting ahead in my own battle and then this kind of fucking shit happens... it's never going to stop, these people want fucking war... they will get fucking war. there is no reason i should be fearing for my life and the lives of others right now...

Current Mood: Angry.

In normal times, evil would be fought by good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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