War Journal VI: Another Kind Of Evil....

I am sick of fighting battles, and I am sick of doing the right fucking thing and having it blow up in my fucking face. i might as well move back to Windsor and forgot that i ever had a fucking life outside of fucking drinking alcohol and partying with my friends and busking... because it almost fucking seems like that is all i fucking have left. My life is a shitstorm and it's not fucking fair. I am losing my fucking mind again over something that i have been trained to do... what the fucking hell.... maybe i need to seriously consider walking away and letting her win, if not i'll just end up homeless and fucking destitute the longer I stay in Hamilton... i'd rather be poor and drunk in Windsor than homeless and creating chaos in other peoples lives here. I am sick of fighting this never ending battle and never fucking getting ahead.... I am finally getting ahead in my own battle and then this kind of fucking shit happens... it's never going to stop, these people want fucking war... they will get fucking war. there is no reason i should be fearing for my life and the lives of others right now...

Current Mood: Angry.

In normal times, evil would be fought by good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

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