Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Not everything set on fire will rise. You know it's fucking funny and ironic that until i reminded myself today of the fact, it has been ten years since we called it a day for good and you tore my heart out for the very last time, ten years of fighting for that little boy with every ounce of my being, it's made ma stronger person but i cannot believe that ten years ago i would still be in a life of death struggle with you for the safety of that little person's soul, of course then again it's always those that were closest to you in another life that know exactly how to twist the knife, one day it will end, One day it will be over and there will be some sense of ending, but i have been fighting you for ten fucking years, your choice not mine, and I know you had regrets the night you forced me to walk away, I wonder if you still have regrets, I wonder it, but I don't give a damn, you are dead to me, Ten years dead, a lll the emotion i have once had for you has turne

Another year is done, There have been changes this year both good and bad, and things that have done to get me to my ultimate goal, but it's another year wasted in anger and solitude and fighting, sometimes feeling i don't have a voice to be heard unless i get angry and have to yell and shout and force myself to be heard by some of the people involved in moving the chess pieces around the board... this coming year I will take control both of my personal life and of the battles i have to fight and It will the things i do for me, and my boy, and not for anyone else, it is clear to me certain things in my life need to be moved away from, like the toy bullshit that I have constantly said i am walking away from but i continue to be surrounded by it like a black hole of decay, yes it provides an income and it provides me to have a few bucks in my wallet, but what about all the things i have worked for to have stolen away because of unscrupulous people that surround me due to the alba

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. This has been a happy enough christmas and I am for once looking forward to the next step a little bit more than maybe i was a few months ago, there are things that confuse the hell out of me and some serious pain in my past. but i also have good people and good friends around and that's important because I don't know how much i could have survived this long without the people in my life, something in still missing and that's something that should never have been taken away but it's getting to a point where that isn't my sole motivation in life and I am becoming happier and more positive, i have options going into the new year, something i didn't have in the darkness of the beginning of last year. Current Mood: Happier. I would say happy new year but it's not happy; it's e

Everyone thinks that “I'm happy and fine on this Christmas Eve” but look a lil closer, you will see tears in my eyes. I am happy and surrounded by loved ones, and there are reasons to look forward to the new year, but something is still missing and that's not right, I Swore a year ago that this wouldn't be another missed Christmas and there is something hollow inside me that can't be filled by anyone or anything I do... there are positive things in my life over the last year, but it's still a empty holiday without him, At least I got to see someone else open some neat presents by proxy and will be celebrating my Xmas with family tonight, but it fucking sucks that once again I have to do it alone... again, four years is a very long time, it will not make it to fucking five.. Merry Christmas Son, I love you. Santa brought gifts under the tree just like he does every year, they will be here when you get home. Current Mood: Sad, Sick. Current Music: Motorhead, End

Sometimes you have to pick the gun up to put the Gun down. As fucking Usual the standardized bullshit and games continue, and i get a polite little fucking answer that even tho you were required to pay your half under extreme duress in advance, Mommy dearest who is fucking responsible for causing all this hell in All three of our lives get's to make a nice quaint payment plan, Newsflash, I'm not the one under court order to pay the balance, She is.. I am getting sick of these so called fucking professionals who play word and mind games and i have always thought that due to having a prior relationship with a person, you can't be impartial and I strongly fucking suspect that this person will not be an impartial observer, highly recommended maybe... but we all know how well that works out for me.. I'm better off being an asshole and doing things my way. Any time i trust someone else to have my intrests or my son's intrest's in mind.. it fucking backfires. i am si

Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many. This is a pyschological chess head game... It is a war, I am not happy with the fact that so called detached professionals are taking their time because i raise questions that should and need to be answered, but it becomes clear that they cannot be answered due to the iron fucking curtian of confeidentiality that they all hide behind, the same one my ex uses for years to keep the one thing in my life that has any7 meaning to me anymore away from me... it's fucking clear that the balance has not been paid and that this is another stall tac tic to keep me at bay... however, i go into things head first and without thought of the danger or exposure to myself, if it can help my son, i do it. period. I know that i have authority issues and a general hate for every part of the system but i have put myself into debt to see that this thing get's paid. NO answer on finacials after multiple requests and

On your 11th Birthday, bigger the cake, more the candles, bigger the wish. Wish you a wonderful 11th Birthday. Another birthday and you are getting older, I promise this will be the last one we have to wait to celebrate on, I promise that, there are things here for you as their always are and nothing and nobody can change that, I just hope that you haven't grown to old or changed too much to enjoy them, you are and always have been my little boy and nothing your mother has said or done will ever change that, you may not be here to say happy birthday to but every year I make sure your birthday is noted and this year is no exception, i still cannot belive how big you have gotten and how old you have become, soon you won't even be my little boy you'll be a teenager and then a man, and I hope one day you can understand all this... but for today I only wish one thing... Happy birthday and that you enjoy it no matter what you are doing, I miss you very much and wish i was the

The enemy to be feared most is one who wears the face of a friend. I am done with trusting people in this city or Doing anything for them, I have bigger battles to fight and bigger fish to fry than pathetic little people that think they can intimidate by getting a cop involved to threaten me or steal a large amount of my belongings because your a pyschopathic man child with entilement issues, there are other answers for dealing with that, right now I'm going to attempt to do the right and legal thing but this is ridiculous, i trust some new and it's the same old refrain, i get stabbed in the fucking back.. of course in the grand scheme of things this betrayal is a joke compared to real world issues and betrayals and it will be forgotten as soon as i start concentrating on the wars i have to really fight.... it's just an annoying sting, I help someone out numerous times over the last four months, and i get fucked over for it, i should have known better given all my experi

I don't trust anyone and I don't expect anyone to trust me either. It's more comfortable when its mutual. You know things were easier when it was just me fighting the world and i kept myself guarded and didn't have interpersonal relationships due to this toy thing, I was so much better a person even after the true betrayals the ones that mattered, I could sit outside in the winter and play my guitar to get the things i wanted/needed if that's what it took because that's what mattered... now I am surrounded by so many fake people and thieves that i think it is time to take a step back and remember who I am, I need to go back to a darker place and focus on the only true battle that matters and say fuck pathetic little people who are so completely self absorbed that they think stealing from a person is ok, of course something in me tells me it has much to do with the mentality of this city, and the lack of morals here... at least where i grew up, when you are rai