This is a pyschological chess head game... It is a war, I am not happy with the fact that so called detached professionals are taking their time because i raise questions that should and need to be answered, but it becomes clear that they cannot be answered due to the iron fucking curtian of confeidentiality that they all hide behind, the same one my ex uses for years to keep the one thing in my life that has any7 meaning to me anymore away from me... it's fucking clear that the balance has not been paid and that this is another stall tac tic to keep me at bay... however, i go into things head first and without thought of the danger or exposure to myself, if it can help my son, i do it. period. I know that i have authority issues and a general hate for every part of the system but i have put myself into debt to see that this thing get's paid. NO answer on finacials after multiple requests and no timeline are making me think that once agian, everything done here is a stall tactic one i have been dealing with for fucking years... this make's four fucking birthday's and christmas's without him, that's exactly what this fucking bitch has stolen from me. having none comittal answers from people involved and everyone passing the buck isn't exactly something i like dealing with. it's real fucking easy to tell someone if the fucking balance of an account has been paid. shadow games and lip service to the fact that they can't release that even tho I have had my end covered for the last four months at dire cost to myself.... in one payment is bullshit... She make's 70,000$ a year.. she should have had her paid as soon as i did. The court will see exactly what's going on if they have to make a direct inquiry, but it's time for some of the people in my life on a legal side to grow some balls and grow some fucking teeth before they are dismissed. i will not be writing a war blog in 6 months with the same fucking lawyer, i don't like calling up his office and asking for fucking advice on something i directed directly to be dealt with by them, to have the fucking dipshit blonde to tell me it's my fucking problem and to deal with it and give them the result's. if you can't stand with me, stand aside, stand the fuck out out of my way or stand agianst me... there are no grey areas in my life anymore.. it's all there bleeding blood red and black and white.... I am fucking starving around the christmas holiday and expected to be able to stop on a dime without notice and go to fucking st catherines...and then have it cancelled after i've made arrangements to get there.. this is a war, i am prepared to make every sacrifice, but i do see people extending and stalling on both sides for no point other than $$$ and convience, a day of reckoning is coming for many people involved because it is way too long in the tooth that i have not had any meaningful answers and if One or two interested parties see's the value of contintuing this into the new year for yet another year into 2015, it's time to find another fucking option. my barrel's are loaded, i have the ammuntion to move this forward, why isn't it being done? I gave direction for the lawyer to handle this because I knew emotionally i would not be able to handle this fucking bullshit, but of course, the fucking Idiot passes the buck back to me.. and i have to be what i am, the angry, reluctant warrior protecting the only thing i have left without aid.... but there is something deep inside of me... something dark, something that's an agent of choas, something green, you don't want to be the one responsible for it when i lose control, i don't get upset and cry and feel sorry for myself in throes of depression when i lose control, those emotions are an everyday reality for me... when I loser control it's anger, I become something akin to a force of nature, Big, Green, Upstopabble, Only wanting to be left alone and find peice, My anger has done both good and bad things for me... but it's bubbling to the top agian, it's often something i stare at the wall blankly and all i can see is something to smash, it's not my temper, it's not hate, it is frustration and it's being told over and over agian that I am guilty althought I never have been, I've fucking proven that.... but I keep suffering so that I can hold the anger at bay, so I don't fucking give people a peice of my mind... so that I don't sit there and disappear and leave the battlefeild, there is only one thing at this late point in the game that keeps me here and still standing,only one thought, at the end of this hell, at the end of this great war between us that involved so many players... I will be the only one still here left standing... with my boy beside me... and one day he will know the truth.
Current Mood: Anger
Rage — whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders’ insanity, or to those who threaten or harm us — is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion.
I am a person who is unhappy with things as they stand. We cannot accept the world as it is. Each day we should wake up foaming at the mouth because of the injustice of things.
Some things you must always be unable to bear. Some things you must never stop refusing to bear. Injustice and outrage and dishonor and shame. No matter how young you are or how old you have got. Not for kudos and not for cash: your picture in the paper nor money in the back either. Just refuse to bear them.
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