Unfinished Business.....

I respect your... conviction; the lone man who thinks he can make a difference

On the 19th it will be four years since my Life ended and the Cold war became an Intense fucking battle For my Life, my career, My sanity and my son's soul... Four years of hell, it's time for me to be the person i used to be and use the skills and knowledge i have to get back into the workplace and no longer be an angry burned out shell of the man who I once hoped to be, there are things still missing in life that i need to attend to but i have a little bit of time now and the freedom to return to my old life at least in a career aspect, I am almost forty years old it is time to become the functional person that i know I can be... the system requires change and it has to come from within, no matter how much I have anger and hatred for the system, I entered into this mission almost 20 years ago and it is not something I will easily walk away from, No matter the damage that has been done in my personal and professional life, it's time to return, it's time to be me. the answer is simply that while i have many diverse skills, man of which i have used to keep myself afloat the last few years, I have one adult dream that has only been left half fulfilled and at this point of my life I need to go back and accomplish the goals I need to get done.. this is and always has been a war with the system and deeply personal, But i have understood since i was 14 years old that the only way to make change is from within the system, and regardless of any personal battles with former loved ones and the system, The war against the system is not over and it still needs to be fought from within, It's still only about making the difference In one child's life, right now It's about making a difference in my child's life, he need's a father with a good job and a career, and there is only one thing i am good at, and only one thing I was born to do.. this is it.

Current Mood: Determined

Another man's evil does not make you good.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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