Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

War doesn't decide who's right...only who's left, ...And then the other fucking shoe drops, If i couldn't have been any more fucking miserable than I already am, i make a phone call this morning and find out that the Psychological chess game has started in earnest again, and point blank telling someone that It's going to be another year till i see my son because someone is an expert manipulator of the system, I honestly have serious frustrations with everything In my life, i mean this fucking cunt has turned my life into shit for fifteen fucking years and i don't even get my day In court? I'm fucking wish that this had been a criminal charge, i would have sat in jail for two years less a day and did a fucking handstand because of all the sins I am guilty of, this is the one I did not commit, And thats been fucking proven. I will go to hell for my own reason's but never for this. I don't have much left rattling around in this empty bone cage of a ch

Hasta la vista baby. I'm not sure if this was worth it today, I'm wondering if this was a fruitless endeavor, my attitude is, good or bad this is the last show, I've paid bills and had a decent fucking run with all of this stuff but I really don't care anymore and I'd rather have a nice set up for my son who never got to enjoy these experiences, but at the end of today, I'm done, it's walk away time. There's no point anymore and it's becoming a futile endeavor to continue. There's not much left except for the high end stuff anyways, and it would look much nicer in a glass cabinet rather than limping along with the stuff that's left to be part of the stupid toy community. It's time to be done and it's time to stick to that decision. Today is confirmation of how little I need this shit in my life. It's frustrating and there is nothing more to be gained from it, it's time to walk away, it's time to be done. The last two y

I’m going to fight, in my own way, until there’s nothing left of me to stuff inside the barrel and ignite. When you're on your own, behind enemy lines, no artillery, no air strikes, no hope of an evac, you don't fight dirty. You do things that make dirty look good. I am being careful with decisions and what the current next step is. I'm seriously considering the fact that I have a few options to use as weapons. I'm really debating to use them as some of them are serious fucking game changers. It's about the psychological chess game, and trust me, as fucked up as I felt in the previous week, I know that you have been squirming too, good, I hope now you fucking appreciate how it fucking feels, I have some cards to play and some bombs to fucking drop and at this fucking point there are other ways to be a fucking intimidating factor, let's go looking into the past, I can always be sitting on St. Paul in my old spot and be having a fucking awesome time every wee

This is a war zone, and I progress with strategy. I have to be at least five moves ahead of my enemies, with five contingency plans, and five backup plans for those contingencies at all time. I appreciate that we may have similar goals, but we're not alike. Today there are going to be some questions asked, some serious answers are going to be demanded and I'm not going to say thank you sir for this wonderful spoonful of shit that you are feeding me. I know when it's time to ask question and get aggressive in the right way, in the defensive way, it's time for war and the war has been put on hold... I need answers as to the how, why and what the fuck reason this is happening. I don't back down and I do smell a fucking rat. I'm done waiting and expecting things to change, if I burn a few fucking bridges so fucking what, I have more than enough gasoline, I know some people haven't been in the fucking level and five years in, if I think you are lying to me, tak

Patience is a virtue, but there comes a moment when you must stop being patient and take the day by the throat and shake it. If it fights back; fine. I'd rather end up bloody at the end of the day, then unhurt with no progress made, no knowledge gained. I'd rather have a no, then nothing. I'd forgotten that about myself. This is interesting, this is an interesting fucking week. I'm waiting day by day for the next chess move, even if it plays to my advantage there is still the waiting, tick tock, tock, tock, is my sons life really worth so fucking little to the establishment of the corrupt family law system that we are being forced to fucking wait, I'm sick of waiting, I'm sick of playing this chess game. I am sick of war. It's time to fight, let's fight not keep waiting forever. I'm about to make some fucking decisions that will affect fucking people. This is my child's life, patience and respect and being polite are fucking luxuries I can'

I must fight with my weapons. Not her's. Not selfishness and brutality and shame and resentment. This battle in this long cold war is about to either be over or truly fucking begin, I have little to no faith anything is going to change in my life other than I will need to fight yet another hopeless battle in court and while I will be in the right , if the past is an indicator nothing will fucking change.. It will continue to be a battle. A battle I am prepared to fight, but it fucking saddens me on the day that mine and lives will change for the moment, irrevocably that the fucking reality is, i look over my fucking shoulder, and my allies are few.. those that said they had my back are nowhere to be found, and the only thing keeping me moving forward is strength of will, strength of character...I've always known that this battle would define who I am and define the friendships and loyalties i have to people. I never thought it would also define his life as an adolescent beca

Even now, I can feel it. Buried somewhere deep inside. Watching me. Waiting. But you know what scares me the most? When I can't fight it anymore, when it takes over, when I totally lose control... You do not understand hatred as I understand it. Only hate keeps me alive. Why else should I endure this pain? If I had ever thought that my actions had ever harmed my son do you think I'd still be breathing, much less still fighting for everything that matters to me, if I had been a lesser man I would have known to walk away. That's the one thing that bothers me, still. You know my heart, my soul, my ethical base, yet you still choose the nuclear option to eliminate me from his life for the last four years. That was your decision not mine, however it's been apparent since his birth that all I am to you is the sperm donor and his right to have a dad is of little consequence to you, it's not about me and/or my wants or needs, it's just about you, it's always goi

A person's true character lies somewhere until after you might have pressed the wrong button without knowing, then you'll realize that there are dogs in human form. In prosperity, our friends know us. In adversity, we know our friends It's amazing how little trust I have in certain freinds and how little there word means to me, the last thing I ever should have done in this world is ever trust anyone who has a fucking interest in this stupid plastic crap. They are selfish people with self entitlement issues that I think try to walk over others because they can. I'm sick of hearing tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Money is fucking owed and I need to not be waiting for the last moment to get it, sick of the lack of fucking respect from some of these asshats in which it's my problem that I haven't been paid. It's getting fucking absurd to ridiculous levels and I have better fucking things to do with my life than to chase immature assholes that collect action f

Enter, stranger, but take heed Of what awaits the sin of greed, For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn. So if you seek beneath our floors A treasure that was never yours, Thief, you have been warned, beware Of finding more than treasure there. I have no fucking interest in people that don't have the time of day or the respect enough for me when I am going thru my darkest fucking hours to not pay what they owe me, I can work around anything but I am getting seriously pissed off by the fact that things I am depending on when some asshat is playing games with these fucking toys. It's just not worth it anymore. It's frustrating budgeting based on peoples fucking word. I could have likely taken that crap to tf con and sold half of it at a decent price and not be chasing some asshole that always has an excuse, I'm done with advancing people shit in good faith, this is my income for the moment and as much as I am trying to move past it

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: it teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it to one degree or another. As for telling fucking stories which one of us lives in an alternate reality where she hides from the savage reality of her true life? A curse you have passed down to our child and he's in a place where he's not exactly sure what is and isn't reality? I have never lived in your so called fictional reality and I never will. I'm guessing the fact that certain histories with people that cannot be ignored that you have manipulated to your own advantage for the moment will be fucking exposed

The friends who would forsake you for choosing to live a positive life, would also leave you if you find yourself going through some painful consequences due to some negative decisions and actions. 99% of all addicts are liars and thieves. This might sound unfair and even close-minded, but it's the truth. There are some exceptions to the rules, but they are incredibly rare. Most people are no match for their addictions. They will be driven to do things they would normally never have considered all in the name of getting high. Sad, but true. So if you're thinking of trying drugs, keep in mind that all the people you will be dealing with are likely to steal from you and lie to you at your own expense. You know there are tiers of people in this city that I need to associate with and not associate with, the addicts , theives and the dealers, I want no part of them in my life no matter who they are or used to be, some of these so called freinds who are only around when they nee