This is interesting, this is an interesting fucking week. I'm waiting day by day for the next chess move, even if it plays to my advantage there is still the waiting, tick tock, tock, tock, is my sons life really worth so fucking little to the establishment of the corrupt family law system that we are being forced to fucking wait, I'm sick of waiting, I'm sick of playing this chess game. I am sick of war. It's time to fight, let's fight not keep waiting forever. I'm about to make some fucking decisions that will affect fucking people. This is my child's life, patience and respect and being polite are fucking luxuries I can't afford at the moment. I have to be the fist I have always been, the one that breaks down the fucking wall and does damage, I swear that I could be done with all this bullshit if years ago if it was decided to put me in chains and a tiny little fucking cell. I'd have sat for 2+ years waiting in jail to have this dealt with before I'd have pled guilty, I would never have made a deal not for this, an innocent man has nothing to fear in the prison system, I'm tough enough and no fucking stranger to it, the strength of my character would have been more important than anything the criminal court system could have thrown at me, there was never any fear of that, I don't fear the family court system either, I don't fear anything or anyone, I fear one thing and one thing alone, I fear losing my son forever. Anything else, anyone else, I'll stand and fucking fight, I'll look them right in the fucking eye and go, wanna play games bitch? Wanna throw bones? I'll stare right back and be any day, any where, I'll be ready. I don't back away and I don't back down, not in this life, not from anyone, not from anything. I need to make some fucking decisions if this war is going to continue, this is a war and it's a chess game. But the only important thing is that little king on the playing field. Not anything else. Only that little king, my little prince.
The broken ones need someone to fight for them even harder.
I don't like the fact that I am feeling abandoned by some people when I need there help, but then agian, it's easier to walk alone because the option to be stabbed in the back is less of a threat when you chose a solitary path. This is my fight and my fight alone, but when I'm starting to think interference and politics reigns and my sons well being is less important it's time to reevaluate. I don't like and I shouldn't be sitting around waiting on phone calls to see what the next question in my life is. This should be an ending not another game of drama, of course the reality is this fucking thing will never fucking end. I have no doubts of that, as much as it is easy to turn the screw for a few days to fuck with your head... I don't need some outside factor affecting my life and his, and right now, I smell a fucking rat in the chain of command in the legal system...I don't trust it.
When you feel like you're fighting alone in life that's when you should be fighting the hardest.
The sad part is I can't trust anyone I'm the system at any level because right or wrong at the core all have the same interests at heart, child welfare, in this case specifically my sons. Even opposing sides have the same agenda some for money, most out of some twisted sense of altruism myself included, I have my freinds, contacts and allies in Niagara and I won't burn them, not for one little defense agianst the bitch and her allies, there hasn't been a lot of true loyalty in my life, I don't need to burn those few bridges I have left, esp when some have always had my back through all the fire and flame in the last decade. But I also can't ask that they stick their professional careers and lie to defend me, honesty and the truth will vindicate me, not smoke and fucking mirrors that's her game.only her game. Let's roll the dice, take our chances but let's do it with loyalty, I don't have enough gasoline for this bridge, I'd never burn it. If I lose, I lose, if there's a stall tactic in play, we have bought time, there's always another poker hand to play. There's always a fucking trump card.... Or the joker.
I'm sick of people's actions and behaviours running counterpoint to achieving anything. And when my voice isn't being heard I have to be the loudest fucking voice in the room, no ones listening and making decisions for me, fuck that I yell. I've spent my entire life from childhood having others make decisions for me, whether it be my mother, my sister, the children's aid societies, the university, college, past or present partners... None of them make my decisions for me anymore, I am one year exactly from being forty fucking years old, my son is going to be twelve this year, he's almost a man, this fucking bullshit his scumbag whore of a mother started is about to go into it's fifth year, I don't need or want anyone influencing, manipulating or speaking for me about this, this is my fight and my fight alone, anyone that's chosen to share the fucking burden now has to understand that, I need to be the one in the drivers seat when it comes to the court matter, I've already got people manipulating the fucking system agianst me, I need to be able to fucking push back. And that means clear and concise instruction from me and me only. The biggest problem with this whole bullshit situation is that too many people have gotten involved and aren't accountable at all to that child on Jennifer's end. She doesn't have his best interests in play. Rightly or wrongly, I'm fighting for the best interests of my son, look at the fucking history of the case, look at everything when it's stripped bare, but I don't need another person muddying the waters speaking on my behalf, I already have a fucking puppet in st Catherine's that's looking after his best interests in court and financially. I don't need anyone else muddying the waters. I have a lot of decisions to make in the near future, I need to be the one doing that, I'm not burning bridges that I don't fucking have to, I can't afford that gasoline. There's only one person I need to see fucking burn, one person and one person only. And before this is over... I will see you burn.
This is fucking war, no remorse, no surrender, only moving forward for every inch I can take, it's not gonna matter the hits I take, the blood I bleed, my death, it's not about saving me. But it is about him. It's always been about him. There are casualties of war, he's never going to be one, but if I gotta take a fucking bullet that's not a problem, but you better fucking kill me with your first shot, you won't get a second, and you can't take pot shots at my shitty coat of armor it's gone, it's down to bone versus bone, you take you're weapons away bitch and strip you to the core, it's about who bleeds first and who walks away standing, I'm ready to walk away with chunks of me torn away and torn to shreds, you can't break me at my fucking core, you'll never be able to take that fucking black heart of mine, where every memory of my little boy resides, the only place inside me not covered on darkness is... You'll never get that, I'll walk away a Skeleton, muscles hanging. But my ribcage will stand intact. I'll walk away from this with that little bit of my heart remains or I'll be dead. Those are the only options. I have had to make multiple snap decisions this week and things keep fucking changing. This is the war that won't end until he is of age or both me and her are dead.
There will never be a resolution. There is something going on outside of my control and I don't think that we will ever get to fucking trial and I would like to know why. I am beyond fed up and I don't think that this will ever change, that's the way things have always been between us, unresolved.
Current Mood: Angry, Pensive.
You know that feeling? When you're just waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed. Just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of desperation. You're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. You just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one is going to be there. You know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you are tired, tired of being strong. For once you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping, still wishing. And you're staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You are fighting.
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