You do not understand hatred as I understand it. Only hate keeps me alive. Why else should I endure this pain?
If I had ever thought that my actions had ever harmed my son do you think I'd still be breathing, much less still fighting for everything that matters to me, if I had been a lesser man I would have known to walk away. That's the one thing that bothers me, still. You know my heart, my soul, my ethical base, yet you still choose the nuclear option to eliminate me from his life for the last four years. That was your decision not mine, however it's been apparent since his birth that all I am to you is the sperm donor and his right to have a dad is of little consequence to you, it's not about me and/or my wants or needs, it's just about you, it's always going to be about you, not me, especially not him or what's in his best interest. That's the main reason I fight, that's the only reason I fight.
I no longer have the option of being polite and expecting things to happen in the right way for me, I'm now out of options and while I have little to no fear of the outcome I do have to force solutions out of thin air due to others lack of actions and I cannot wait till the last fucking minute. When it comes to my son I will fucking scorch the earth and destroy every last contact and friend on this planet if I have to. Plans have been gestating for a very long time and it will be in this moment, in the next week to see who truly is on my side and who has only paid it lip service, there is and always will be reasons for me to have kept my contacts in the one place I have never looked back upon, other than for college, and the fact that Niagara except for that brief moment in school has always been a dead wasteland of pain and hatred for me. I'm not expecting answers and I am not expecting miracles but I am expecting people I respect to give me the time to prepare. In one week I go to the last great battle of mine and his lives, I don't expect it to be the end game, but I expect to be ready for it and not waiting or expecting people that say they have my back to force a stalemate, it's too late for that, four and a half years too late, it's only about the goal, either stand with me, stand aside or be in my way, I'm not playing anymore games, I'm staring down a bullet that will either change my life completely or will end it. Things cannot be the adjusted status quo I have allowed to pass for happiness for the last few years, at points it was easy to lose myself in distraction, the time for that has fucking passed. I have one goal, one destination. You either come along for the ride or you get off the fucking bus. I don't care anymore if I have to exercise caution or be careful with my words. Point blank, I need to rally the troops and find and fight my way out of the fucking fire and know who stands with me, and who will be left behind to burn, this is another battle in a personal war for both of us, and my mind holds no pretensions that all three of our lives will be changed irrevocably once again, win or lose, everything will change. I have little to no expectation that some relationships with friends and acquaintances will change and some people will be left behind by my choices, just as some people will choose to leave me behind for their own reasons. I'm perfectly fine with that, me and my son only need the true supports in our lives that will help erase the damage of the last 5 years and I'm done trusting people that can only be their when it's convenient. It's not ever going to be about me, it's not even going to ever be what you've made it about, and that's yourself and your delusional reality, a curse you handed down to him, it's always going to be about him, his little soul and his mental health, that's the only concern and that's the only reason after taking every salvo from you that I am still fucking standing. It's the only thing that keeps me alive is knowing that from all the darkness in my life there's is one good thing, one true pure person in my life that cannot be corrupted, only confused, regardless of what happens I'm content with that. I know where I stand when the gates of hell open for me, there won't be any judgement from St. Peter, I have made peace with where I'm going, but my sins have nothing to do with you or our child, I'd rather be a noble demon and continue to fight till my last breath than to think that there is anything I've done to have hurt him. One day he will know that, this journal alone is a testament to his life, there has not been a day that has gone by in the last 12 years he has not been a part of my thoughts, no matter the fire, no matter the battle, even your mother attempting to use sins of the past to crucify me will ever change the fact that the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I go to bed thinking about is my son, that's not going to ever change. No matter what. I don't like leaving decisions or actions down to the last moment because they do reflect on other peoples lives, not just mine and my sons. I'm extremely frustrated by some of the choices in life that I have made and that have been made for me, it bothers me even fucking more who has made some of those choices, not just for me, but for my son. If it was just me I wouldn't give a damn, I walked away from your toxicity 12 years ago, for what I thought was for good. But you always managed to draw me back in until you wanted me eliminated, then you taught me how to fight for what I believe in, and then you taught me how to hate. Don't be too fucking proud of your lessons, I'm about to use them on you, I know what it's like when you have lost everything, soon that's going to be the lesson I teach you, I don't need to teach you how to hate me, you already do. I'm just hoping you haven't taught him the same behaviour at his core. Some of the stalling and laziness of the last few years is completely on me, I should have been less trusting of the corrupt legal system and my agents within it, I understand that now, the only person looking out for my child's true best interests is myself, I might be handcuffed and shackled to this chess game we are playing, but I am the one playing it, I am the one in charge, I don't have any expectations that this burning game will ever end in his adolescent lifetime, but I am the one playing the game, no one speaks for me unless I allow them to, and even at this late stage that's being fucking reevaluated.
Things this late in the game that are being affected by planning by other people. This last four years has been a comedy of errors, I may be responsible but I'm not the only fucking one with blood on my hands or that is responsible for my mistakes. I'm fed up with the world and with the fact that things after a slow fucking building up to where we are now that this is only going to be another ending but not a final ending, this is always going to be a war and I have no fucking expectations that it will ever end, not while I'm breathing, and not while he's a minor, when nobody really has my back, it's just about the game, it's about the sad fact that there has been no forward thinking and my choices and wishes have not been respected by those that supposedly represent me. The world is fucking corrupt and I am one of the most corrupt things in it, but this isn't about defending or protecting me, this has never been about defending or protecting me, it's always been about protecting my little boy, if I have to turn into a scary monster and let the angry and bad side out to show people that are supposedly on my side that I can and will be a terrible person that can fucking walk away from anyone? Just watch me.... My world is dead, it's already crumbled around me, I'm already fucking broken, I'm already completely damaged..... That's what makes me fucking dangerous, people, past, present, future, would do fucking well to remember that. I'll stand and fight for as long as I have to, with or without back up, but I can't say that my mental health hasn't been affected or that the anger and hatred inside hasn't intensified a hundredfold, the thing is it's been given a singular focus, I am capable of hate and anger the likes of which the world has never seen for you, the fact is I can keep it silent, I know that one day judgement will come, and that judgement will not be from a court of law, that judgement will not be from a corrupt children's aid worker, that judgement will not even come from god or the devil, the only judgement I will ever care about is the one that comes from our sons eyes when the day comes he is told the truth, or when he decides on his own, I am prepared for that day never coming on my end, if you have you're way I'll never see him agian, but there will still be a judgement on all of this, and it will come from him, not from anyone else, just him.... I expect to be judged as well, and I know I will be found to be lacking, I just hope he realizes how hard I fought for him, and never fucking backed down regardless of what it cost me. I know what it's cost him. For the first time in years i am reminded about how important things are tomorrow and how it is just another thing you've taken away from me constantly.
This is only the last battle of the current moment but it is doubtful that this war that has raged a decade due to your selfish needs and wants will ever end. Not while I'm living and not until he's an adult, when he grows up and hates us both, I hope you are prepared to accept that fact, I will hold nothing back on our lives together, I've felt you're fire.... It's time to feel mine, welcome to nuclear winter.
Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Alice Cooper, Dragontown
It's been a harsh fight. You've been pummeled and knocked down. Your body aches, flesh torn and bruised. Your eyes can hardly see through a stream of blood. But you are cognizant and alive; therefore, you rise from the fight. This is life. It will test your will, your strength, and endurance. It will challenge your faith and convictions. It will scar your hopes and try your beliefs. In the end, life validates those who refuse to stay down.
One cannot fight for so long without the scars building on one's soul.
Many want to be a warrior but they don't know what a lonely, tough, or pain staking journey it is. Warriors have to fight on behalf of the defenseless, defend what is right, as well as fight believers and non-believers alike. In reality, few like warriors because they confront their own, and their own think they're above being confronted. The warrior, you see, most often walks alone.
He is a true casualty of battle. There's not a physical scar, but look at the man's heart, and his head, and there are scars galore.
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