I'm not sure if this was worth it today, I'm wondering if this was a fruitless endeavor, my attitude is, good or bad this is the last show, I've paid bills and had a decent fucking run with all of this stuff but I really don't care anymore and I'd rather have a nice set up for my son who never got to enjoy these experiences, but at the end of today, I'm done, it's walk away time. There's no point anymore and it's becoming a futile endeavor to continue. There's not much left except for the high end stuff anyways, and it would look much nicer in a glass cabinet rather than limping along with the stuff that's left to be part of the stupid toy community. It's time to be done and it's time to stick to that decision. Today is confirmation of how little I need this shit in my life. It's frustrating and there is nothing more to be gained from it, it's time to walk away, it's time to be done. The last two years this show has been a fucking joke, I did it for a reason but there's no point anymore, it's time to move on, time to make that monument to my son full of Japanese toys and have that be the enduring legacy of whatever's left because I couldn't take him along on this cool adventure. It's too bad but I need to find a new adventure to take him on. This toy crap has done it's job and I need to stop pretending it's a real job and fucking find one, this shit needs to be in my rear view mirror and permantley stay there, I'm done. At least there isn't the anger and turmoil I was left with a few years past, but then again those people were poison, the one mostly good thing about today is that the true friends I have in the crap sack toy community took time to see how I'm doing, but I have real stress in my life, it's time for this to no longer be one. My life isn't even remotely perfect at all, but this is one frustration other than one last blow out online that I don't need or want anymore in my life, time to have a nice set up for my son and be done with it, it's served it's purpose, it's a memory and while it's had it's fucking moments, it's had a lot of bullshit and thievery and dark moments, but the real sadness is that I have not been able to share what is probably the most interesting thing in my life in relation to his hobby and yeah, the stuff I have has replaced most of his stuff with better. But it's still enough for me to shed a tear, he wasn't there.... He was missed today, I knew going in this would be the last dance... I need to decide what to do with a lot of it but as far as most of the things that interest me, that's all that I want. I want to be done with this stupid plastic shit. I want it to be in my rear view window and be completely done. It's not worth it, I held onto it for a year too long and justified it for two shows each quarter, the third, even with some new attractions was a waste of my time, either I find a new avenue or I donate it all after Xmas, but it's time to be done. This was fun today, but it's obvious that there's no point on waiting on the next show, there's a few options left but it's time to make some hard decisions and end this run, I'm looking forward and not behind and it's been a long strange interesting fucking run, but it's done, now onto something else. it's time to stop being frustrated by the politics, the game players and focus on something else, I went out and it would have been better to end the game ina blaze of glory but i still had too much crap, Now i can make plans and play by my rules and decide what I want and what goes away. the first thing that goes away is the Toronto area toy connections, it's time for a total fucking divorce from that, it's time to focus on the Important things in my life, I have a real career I need to get back to and I have a son I desperately want home, because of regardless of who i have in tow when i do fun and interesting, without him it rings hollow without him at my side and I am left fucking empty... and that's something a million toys or dollars or video games will ever fix. that's the agenda, and now it's the only agenda. At least at the end of the day, and the end of the last three years, i can hold my head high and say I was honest, I never intentional ripped anyone off, never played politics, never stabbed anyone in the back, and never stole from anyone, it may have been a necessary evil (one at times i couldn't stand.) but it served it's purpose.. Now it's done... there is no looking back on it anything more than a memory and a job, because day one to today that's all it's ever been something that paid the fucking bills. it was fun, it sucked like hell sometimes, it was a lot of work and stress, but i think I'm leaving it on a good note.. that i just don't give a damn about it anymore. this thing used to drive me and it used to be a fucking distraction, but now take it or fucking leave it, a day like today, no matter how positively i try to spin it, there's always something missing, and it's always gonna leave me empty, and the stupid plastic crap no longer fills that void. I'm Still Fucking Empty. I'm Fucking frustrated by a great many things in my life and having the bottom completely fucking fall out of this stupid toy bullshit on what was supposed to be a triumphant fucking last stand, Turned into a clusterfuck, two times right after tf con I've had the choice to walk away and both times shallow fucking pride forced me to stay in the game, No longer, New options, no more looking back, I shouldn't have an angry, hungry pit in the bottom of my stomach because of this shit. it's time for other things, I don't need the bullshit or the stress. you know the saddest fucking part? I made the same amount of money a few weeks ago scrambling for money for BMX and gas that i did at this fucking con, and honestly, that was a lot less work, I'm fucking fed up with the toy world and I'm never ever fucking looking back on it... my heart was never in it, it was and always will be about providing me the means to take care of my son and the legal bills that needed to be paid to get him Home... this was always a necessary evil, and for a year it hasn't been necessary. the writing was on the wall then, and i don't regret limping along till now, but today was a fucking revelation, it's time to quit and be done with it. there are other options but as far as the damn thing is concerned, it's gone from my life, No more. in terms of things I've done in my life this has always been bottom fucking rung, it's not something I'll be looking back upon fondly.
Current Mood: Frustrated, Tired.
Current Music: Amon Amarth, Twilight Of The Thunder God
Everybody else here is a comedian. But I'm not like them..... what I am, is a psychotic that's learned to market his problem
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