Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, *you* move'.
I'm not self destructive except when I want to be, however at the moment I am fucking destructive, I pick fights I can handle and I take on bigger fights than I can handle. One of these days I am going to turn into a real self destructive person and when that day comes, look out, because I might implode, but I'll take every one of my fucking enemies with me. I promise you that. I've had five fucking years of fighting this battle, I know how to play chess with psychopaths, at this late stage I shouldn't fucking have to. The fact others are being affected because no one in the system wants to play by the rules they are supposed to follow. There's a reason I fight every battle head on and don't fucking back down. No one else will, it's about more than me, and it's fucking sad that someone with clear mental health issues has been allowed by the legal system to have a path of destruction throughout my life this past half decade, I can deal with your lunacy; that's easy. I've been dealing with that for the last 16 years... It's dealing with the people that you've invited to the party over and over again that drives me nuts. You better than anyone know my fucking past, and you used as a weapon to take my son away from me, and now you're once again affecting my relationships with the spectre of your darkness. I shouldn't have to live with your decisions for the rest of my life and in fact I refuse to, I'll fight if I have to at every level, but the clock is fucking ticking, you're time is running out. And I don't fear your friends, the system, the system that raised me, the one I blindly worked for years, the system that destroyed me? They have an agenda because I have an agenda. I've never hid from the fact that this is war... I've been at war with the system longer than I have been at war with you. My motivations on college are no different than my motivations now when it comes to being a child and youth worker and the question about a corrupt, evil empire remains. I still believe the best way to affect change. Is from within, but I don't know if that matters anymore, one: I am without. Two: all that seriously matters to me career wise now is making a difference on a personal level, I don't really give a damn about burning it all down from within anymore, although that's probably what needs to happen. I am just no longer willing to sell my soul for a pay check, but I deserve and want the right to be able to make a living by my choice of education and employment. If I can't have that, I'll burn the system down and I will fight. I have gasoline, a match and a fucking tank. It's about my son, it's about my loved ones and it's about my choice about the job I do. I shouldn't be prevented from having the ability to make a living and provide for my family and my children. I know for a fact that legalese should not be fucking preventing me from being around them. This is a game, this is chess and most of the innocents are being treated like pawns. The castles think the are the true power, but they know nothing. It's only about that little black king that both the black queen and the white king seek to protect. But the pawns shouldn't be decimated, I have a reason to protect them as well. I need to win this game. Stalemate isn't a fucking option... And no one will ever be able to put me into a position where I'm close to being checkmated. That's me, I'm the one that wins the game, even if I'm the last motherfucking piece on the board, with my army and pawns decimated.
That's who I've been, one lone warrior left at the end of the game with no one and nothing. I'm attempting to change that, but when it comes down to the chess game, I will be the one left alone but I will be the one alone with the win. There are things that matter that are worth sacrificing everything for, I just hope that my scorched earth policy that comes as second nature, doesn't destroy all that I've built. But as long as I'm playing a chess with a psychopath and an evil empire silently supporting her, I'll fight till the end, I'll fight till I win. Even if it means losing everything. I'm no stranger to it, I never have been. I just shouldn't be as comfortable with the fact that I can lose it all as long as I win, as long as I'm proven right... There's more at stake here, there is more than me here... But the chess pieces only have so many moves on the board, it's gotta be down to checkmate soon.... I'm getting tired of this endless game.... It's too predictable. I question everything and everyone for a reason, but I'd like and deserve some peace, if I can't have it, I guess I'll be tearing the world asunder, but I won't be losing the fucking game, not now, not then, not ever. You might have taken everything, you'll never take my pride, you'll never take my ethics and code, you can't take the man I am away from me, only I can do that, and I won't. I'm debating which chess pieces to put into motion and which pieces on the board needs to be played, it's not as cut and dried as an all out attack. This is a psychological game, and I never have a problem with psychology in school, the mind is a weapon, same as every other major part of the body, only difference isI know how to use my intellect as a a weapon, and I know how to use psychology and someone's mental state against them, and I intend to unleash fucking hell. I know who is the weaker party because I can't be broken, that's been tried, many, many fucking times. Yet I stand here, still fucking standing, still undefeated, still against you, when it comes to this psychological game of chess I don't fear you, I don't fear your playing partners. The only things I fear now are losing the ones I love and that little king hidden behind enemy lines, that's all that matters, that and ending this fucking game. No matter how and who burns, we've played in the fucking fire long enough. I don't have anything but frustration for the entire process, I don't trust anyone's agenda except my own. And even that I have to be vigilant in dealing with only the main issue at hand, I can't get distracted anymore... When I fall, it's going to be me falling alone, as usual no one is going to be there to save me, but that's the fucking thing, I've never asked anyone to save me, I can do that on my own. I just don't have faith that some of my ally's have anything but hidden agendas anymore. It would be nice to be able to say I know where my enemies stand, but even that is a fuckin question. The only thing that I know for sure is that I know my plan of attack, i know how to play this game of psychological chess with psychopaths. All I have to do is keep moving fucking forward. It's time for me to be intimidating, it's time to make some other people question themselves and there actions, esp. on the game board, the playing field, this is a battlefield, never forget that, I haven't.
It's very interesting and predictable how this fucking game is being played, and you cannot hide forever in the system, eventually shit comes out, and the reckoning day us coming. You fucking people want war, I will show you fucking war. I will stand a fucking fight and I refuse to fucking back down. I'll scorch the fucking earth before I will ever lay down and admit defeat. I don't care anymore what it fucking costs me. It has to end and at my fucking hand. I know all the psychological rules and moves in this game and at this point there is nothing that is unexpected. I'm getting to a point Agian where all I want to do is unleash fucking hell and let the chips fall where they may, it's about me and only about me, and it's time for war, it's time for some people on the other side of the equation to feel some fucking pain, it's time to make them sweat, it's time to make them fucking bleed. I don't care if it ever ends because at this point it is becoming clear to me that it fucking won't. I'm fine with that, if I'm going down I'll take the whole goddamn system down with me in a pile of burning fucking flames. No more kid gloves and no more fucking around, it's long past time I stopped pulling my punches and being patient and trying to do the right thing legally. Now it's time to do the right thing by me, by my family, and by my kid. Maybe it's time to stop playing by my rules, clearly they don't play by theirs. There is always the fact that I have options other than standing here and fighting and standing my ground, there always have been. Five years on, 2 years after clearing my fucking name, I should not be having second thoughts about where I stand. It would be easy to take the easy way out and be a coward, I could run, but that would mean sacrificing way too fucking much, I have way too much to lose, and I'm sorry kid, just this once it's not just about you, you're always gonna be my number one priority but there are other innocents involved now that I care about, and your fucking cunt of a mother and the system has brought us to the point we are at today. I was better off the silent warrior before this all became what it is, attachments only left me vulnerable.... But they are here, I've made commitments to those I love, and the easy way would be to stand and fight and only defend one, and walk away from the others... But it's about more than that now, and this is the place that we are at, this is where I make a stand, I almost wish I could say this is where I'll be making my final stand, but one I am playing chess with psychopaths that don't even follow there own rules or rules of engagement. Two, I know this doesn't end here, I don't think one party will ever let this fucking end, as long as she thinks she has the support of corrupt system.... It's nice to know my every moment shared and every intimate moment has been used against me... If it wasn't for him I'd have stepped across a provincial border, or gone to England or Texas and been gone, I wouldn't have looked back. As much as there are things here and ties that bind, only a few things keep me here, all of them are in the line of fire right now, and it would be a lot easier if it was just about me and my son. But it's not, not anymore. Soon I may have to deal with that being the only thing I have left to fight for, but right now there is a whole lot fucking more at stake, and for those people and things I'll stand and fight, and I won't lose... You're move.... I know how it ends, I'm alone fighting an endless battle with all those I live abandoning me or being abandoned by me for their own protection, either way I've been here before. I'm no stranger to it. I always held myself up to an ideal that I could be something better, but of course, that was ruined by one person, and aided and abetted by a system that has been committing crimes against me since I was fucking 8 years old. They've taken everything from me over and over and over again and they don't expect me to hate them? I hate her most of all, but these other assholes, these pawns in her deadly game of chess that have branched out into there own games of psychological chess. This is where the game ends, I know how and when to fight my battles, and I fucking promise you, if I am fighting a battle from all sides, I'll make sure that I'm not the only one fighting a battle from all comers. I need to make some decisions and I'm unsure as to what the effects of those decisions are going to be, but I strongly suspect all that I'll be doing is pouring more and more gasoline atop a burning pyre, the thing is, I have no doubt with where we are now, that all of us, innocent and guilty, those that are in the line of fire because of me, those that are in my line of fire, the one that was placed in the fire by his selfish and psychotic mother, her lunatic fringe herself, and myself... We will all burn. Every fucking one of us will have to live with that. That's not the curse I'm responsible for, that's always going to be on you, Jennifer. You've destroyed two families with the aid of the evil empire, first your own for god knows what reason.... There's a lot of reasons I can think to destroy a man, but never for wanting to be a father to his son... And now you indirectly are destroying another, one I rebuilt from the fire that you placed me in, a moment of happiness I will never be allowed to have. I have no fuckin doubt this only ends when I stop breathing, this only ends when I an dead. That's true and final checkmate for you isn't it. No matter who gets hurts along the way. It only ends when one or both of us is dead. If that is seriously all I have to look forward to, what's the fuckin point? It needs to end. I need to know where I stand instead of constantly fighting a war with only questions in the palm of my hand. But I do understand that's how the game is played, I understand every enemies tactics and I plan correctly for all of them. Maybe these assholes are right, I am violent, I am a criminal, I've always been a criminal, but so are they, they always have been. But I'm a weapon and I know how to be armed, cocked and loaded and pointed in the right direction. And my targets are dead centre, and I never fuckin miss. Make no mistake I am angry and I know exactly who to direct my anger at. But that's not the way my game is played, that's not how you play chess, it's the slow war game, it's every move and predicting the other sides moves six moves from now. I know how to end this game and stalemate isn't acceptable. I'm one king that's never gonna get cornered in an unescapable position. I always have a battle plan and a back up plan. Let's do this.
Current mood: Angry.
Current Music: Eminem, Kim
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
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