The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.
When I put something or someone in my rear view mirror permanently, i do not look back. I made that mistake only once in my lifetime. It was a bit odd that yesterday I wasn't somewhere I normally would have been. But these last few years have to stand for something and I can't sell everything away just because it's fucking money. It means something, victory or failure I'm not sure yet, but the one thing I know for sure, it's enabled me to stand and fucking fight on my own two feet, on my own terms the last few years, either the last of it stands as a monument to a relationship taken away or it is the last of a memory that should have been shared. It means something, it will always mean something. I am a lesser man for him not sharing the adventure. But there are things leftover that belong to him, and no amount of money is going to convince me to let it all fade away.... I made a choice to walk away from it in the fall, now it's time to leave it where it should have been a long time ago, remembered, but dead... It served it's purpose, it proved it's worth, on more than one occasion, but like a lot of fucking things in my reality, it's in my past.... It is something that should stay dead, just like everything else, bad things happen when you resurrect old ghosts.... Trust me, my skeletons have been rattled enough.... Too many people have used this thing I built for it to ever matter much to me anymore, it's like anything with money, people always have ulterior motives or want something for nothing and don't care how the get it, I've been there, the difference is, even now, this has always been a job, a source of income, but now even that purpose has become flawed and self defeating, I'm not the type to be taken advantage of, and I'm not chasing the last fumes of a few dollars. It's ended, it stays that way. No regrets, save one.
The patience level is becoming extremely low and it is time to reevaluate things. Money is owed, it's not freely given and when I'm feeling like I'm being taken advantage of over and over agian, its a warning sign, it's time to seriously consider what my options are, trying to ignore things and just make this work into July and august until I have some resolution doesn't make sense anymore... Neither does walking away, but there is the fact that I do feel sold out, that I'm not important. I don't like being treated like a wallet and when it's obvious that's my only current contribution to the relationship, maybe it's time to walk away, it's pretty sad that I'm the only person this toy thing has never been fulfilling for, I'm not happy, I need to take the rest of it and stick it in a fucking glass case and pretend that it means something, I need to be done, the longer it remains a source of income and not my personal collection I will never be anything but miserable. It has to stand for something. There has to be something left, even if he has outgrown the hobby. This is a memory for me, not just an income, sadly for the most part, like most things in my life, it's not a good or happy memory, but that's like most things in my life, even if it's momentarily happy or a good thing, eventually, it all turns to shit, every time. I don't like feeling like I'm sacrificing to support someone beyond my means, and I've been doing that for over two years, once upon a time it was due, I'll give her that always be eternally grateful, but there is a point when I'm being fucking used. We are past that point. If I can't be there, if it's not being solved and feel like I'm the only one truly taking a stand, you know what, I'm one of those people that has always judged people by their actions, just as I have always been judged by my actions and behaviors, right now, actions not words of others are speaking very loudly to me, and it's clear what's being said, but not what's being done. it's time for actions and actions only to speak loudest of all.. because that's what a man is judged on... and what a man judges other people on. i hate not having control and i am frustrated when i don't trust agenda's.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: CHOP,CHOP,CHOP - ALICE COOPER
A brave man could conquer fear, he had learned that, but perhaps only for a time. It was something the young did not understand, the way it could gnaw at a man, the way it came back stronger every time, until you were alone and gasping for breath.
They left like you knew they would. They went away and you fell like a stone. All the way to the bottom of your room. I see you, yes I see you. Sitting in your chair, hating every minute of it. Falling like a stone without even moving. It hurt you to know that you were right about all the shit you wanted to be wrong about. They always leave you. You put yourself in the right place to get left.
Those who choose differently must suffer the consequences. They must take the pain their decisions bring.
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