I think one of the most frustrating things in my life is the fact the last few years have completely altered our belongings to the point where the things I have for him are completely different and only a handful of important things remain, but it was either that or have a lot of junk that was worth money, I'm happy with my decision and more than that, I know I can afford to replace anything needed. I'm less miserable than before but that's because things can change in a second and a big deal is right around the corner, but it's not predictable as to when anymore, and there is not much left so the options we have at this point are dwindling. I have set my mind to walk away once, soon the last of it will be liquidated online and all that remains will be the things I choose to keep for him. It just goes to show the fact of change, he will always have stuff here that is uniquely here, but he's not seven anymore and I can't keep pretending that he is....I kept his room a perfect tribute to him for years, that's not what is needed when he returns. He needs his father, not possessions. It took me a long time to get over the fact that this was a battle where I would be willing to sacrifice everything, but I got out alright, my soul is still intact, I've never stolen or ripped anyone off, even tho I have had it done to me, multiple times, but from start to finish my goal stayed the same, it's always been a means to an end, and now it has to end. Period.
Not knowing where I stand with anyone isn't exactly the most helpful situation either, it's not a feeling I'm used to. Even in chaos I'm usually in control, questioning everything and everybody is second nature to me, but when I am questioning myself and my current situation and choices, it's probably time to take a long hard look at the decisions I've been making and as usual, make them for me and my goals in life. I meant what I said about others and there actions speaking louder than the lip service they have been giving lately. It's about what needs to be done, not what you're saying you're going to do. I need to make decisions based on me, on my future and my wants and needs rather than gritting my fucking teeth and waiting for things to change. I don't think or feel my best interests are being represented anymore, and being treated like a fucking wallet always leads to failure, I'm getting to point where emotionally there is no reason to support anyone else... I'm just getting fed up. This is a distraction I don't need, and the more I look at the options all I fucking see is darkness. So if I have the choices to continue or end the situation, I'm starting to lean onto the latter. I don't do powerless and helpless well and no one controls me, feeling like I'm not being listened to doesn't help. I have lost enough things and wasted way too much time regarding this toy crap. It's gotta be in my past, I'm sick of chasing people to survive and being ripped off by once trusted friends. It's fucking sad that I can count on one hand the people I trust in the toy community. True friends matter, some of the other fuckers are people I just seriously have hidden in my rear view mirror, there is no looking back, it's a part of my past just like everything else, it just needs to be put in a display case and forgotten, what's left has to stand for something tho. That's something that frustrates me now. Even if it's a handful of things I can't chase every dollar until it is all gone... A few items need to have meaning and not just all fade away, good or bad this is a memory, and it fucking sucks that it has not been shared with him, but that's not on me, that's never been on me. I just want to make sure a handful of things remain. I've never had time for the politics and drama involved, and that's just it.... When I say I'm done something, at some point I need to be done. It can't limp on forever because others want it to. When I decide to stop and quit, it's forever. I can't say it wasn't fun, because at moments it was, but the dark times and the negativity outweigh a lot of those positive moments, and non of it was shared with my son, which sucks. At least some things will be held onto for him.... That's the goal now.
Current Mood: Frustrated.
No. Don't give up hope just yet. It's the last thing to go. When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.
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