Sometimes, when we want something so badly, we fear failure more than we fear being without that thing.
Men are not afraid of things, but of how they view them.
The harder you fall, the stronger you rise.
When it's all said and done, I think the reality of me being a helper and caring and having empathy for people is gone. It's fucking done. It's a lot easier to be the mercenary and only take care of myself. caring about others always gets me burned in the end. It's time to stop caring. It's gotta be about me first from now on. You can't trust anyone but yourself. I don't have time anymore for anyone. I remember exactly who has crossed me... Eventually everything comes out. I don't get taken advantage of. I'm the intimidating one, not the other way around. I don't forget people and I do not forgive. It's funny how so many people have crossed me and taken advantage but because there is more to my personal agenda than settling scores and petty revenge I just walk away and let people stew. It's fucking amusing when shit slaps me in the fucking face years later. I'll be fucking honest tho, I'm sick of being betrayed and used. I am sick of holding the anger that has long been bubbling deep within and trying to do things the legal and correct way. We all know that's not the only fucking option. There are alternatives. I have enemies, they are afraid of me... And then I have pathetic little insignificant insects who have passed through my life and merely occupied a space, easily replaceable. I don't need people who are thieves, rats and double crossers... It's not exactly unexpected, the strong rarely tolerate the weak and when one surrounds themselves with cowards, it's clear that jealousy and greed and envy will play a part. So what else is new, I've grown up with nothing, I've tried to be a better fucking person than I was raised to be, but the fucking truth is, I'm a better person when I'm dangerous, when I'm a fuckin threat... When a man has had everything taken away from him and these pieces of trash steal and scam from me? What's the point of being a good man, what's the point of being a good person. It's easier to be the devil, it's a lot easier to be the demon they believe me to be. I don't know who I am anymore, but I do know I have lost fucking patience. You can't trust anyone in this fucking lifetime, they all end up leaving you or fucking you over. No big surprise. I don't know what to think anymore or who to trust, except on fucking person, myself. Don't trust anyone and you won't get betrayed or a constant knife in your back, words to live by, but it sucks I have to be as cynical as I am at this point of my life, almost fucking forty and all I do is fight people and distrust everyone, those are the cards I've been dealt, I might as well fucking run with it. I've long since accepted that at the end of this, I'm here, still standing, but standing alone... That will not come as any surprise to me, no one else can handle the fire, meanwhile I'm more than willing to burn, there's gasoline in these veins, let's open a fucking vein and watch me bleed. When I burn I won't be alone, but when the fire is out, I'll be the only one still standing. Alone. There's a reason I'm a scary and intimidating motherfucker, it's because I don't know how to back down, even if everyone else fades away over and over, again that's been a fact of my life for as long as I can fuckin remember, so be it, I'll still be the one at the end of the game with my feet firmly planted, no one can bring me down unless I let them, and that's a day that's never going to fucking come. For the other scores I need to settle, their time will fucking come, this just isn't the time at the moment, but I do not forget and I do not forgive, you've only gotten a moment reprieve because there is more at stake in my life than a little pathetic person that steals from children. That reckoning day will come, but I have real enemies to attend to first, you're a speck of dust on the windshield of my life, but one day, I will deal with you as well. When I've lost patience with all the real battles in my life I fight, you are as insignificant to not even fuckin matter... But you might want to fucking ask yourself, what happens when a man has nothing left to lose and he holds a simmering grudge..... You don't want to be the one I'm hunting, or better yet the one I run into randomly after I'm having a bad fucking day.... I have one fucking nerve left, and the whole goddamn world is currently on it, you do not want to be the one around when I snap for the last fucking time... It will not end well... Somewhere along the line I stopped giving a shit and I'm fucking numb, I don't care much about anything and I function about even less, when even I know the only thing driving me is endless rage, do you really think I'm a man you should be fucking with it, if I was me, I wouldn't want to be the one that was fucking with me... I know what drives the demonic engine within and there's no fucking patience for anyone there anymore.... I'll more than admit I have a one track mind re my agendas right fucking now, and that all I have... There is a reason for that... Some motherfucking people are extremely lucky due to that fact. there is person right now that has very good reason to fear me, and those days are ticking down. tick tock, tick tock, times running out.
Current Mood: Determined.
I am more than my scars.
You will find there are times you must grasp your life with both hands and forcefully steer it in a new direction and then strain to hold your course until the storms of fear, weakness, and doubt abate.Once your past no longer has the power to define you, your future is, quite literally, yours for the taking. Every single beautiful thing you could possibly want or imagine will be yours.
Lift your eyes, straighten your back, let fear and pain walk away like the turtles they are.
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