I remember the last time I found inner peace with myself and the world. It was a very long time ago. But there for a moment I had it, I should have probably followed my destiny elsewhere at that moment but other things and ties I cannot ever escape in this lifetime kept me from that. It was my error guided by a lovesick heart that led me to make that mistake, and what happened next, I have no regrets,inner peace is meaningless in comparison to who I gained in that moment, and he will always be a part of me no matter what happens. Blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh. The only good goddamn thing I've done right in this world. Despite everything I will never regret being you're father, despite the everything it has cost me. But that will never fall on you as much as I can prevent it. I have to step away from this battle so one day there is something left of me for you to come home to. I hope you can forgive me for that. I hope one day you will understand it as well. I will always be right here if you need me, but right now I gotta find that inner peace again, for a both of us, you deserve a father that is more than a hollow shell, a fucking husk. I have to find myself once more, then maybe one day I will be whole again, at least as much as I can be without you as a part of my daily life. I'm tired of hurting all the time and being damaged and broken. It's time to find me again or at least some semblance of sanity if not peace. I think if I can get myself back to comfortable normality I will be at peace with that. At least I won't be as fucking broken. I fought for almost 7 years and spent another year and a half having to defend myself before I admitted defeat. I need some kind of peace in my life, even if all it really is, is the absence of war. It is what it is, but I have lost the taste for battle, the wars themselves leaving a sour taste in my mouth. I do not regret one second of the fight. My only regret is the toll the battle has taken upon the three of us... None of us came out of this undamaged. Him least of all.
8 years ago when all of this started I would have never imagined the depths it would go to... What we all have lost as a family, and at one point that's exactly what we were once upon a time for one shining moment... The decision to destroy that and to destroy me will always be on you. I'll take responsibility for my actions but I had a good damn job, a decent apartment to have as a home for me and him and we were happy having adventures on the weekend. You took all that away from us... You've taken half his childhood away from me, I don't even know if I saw him today I would know my own son. Do you understand how much that hurts? That is, and will always be on you. I'm done fighting you, I'm done hating you, I've been done loving you a long fucking time. And you'll never control me, hopefully the same is to be said of my child, that you haven't completely corrupted him and as he comes of age he has a mind of his own and makes his own decisions on things. Whatever his decisions are, as long as they are his alone, I will respect and admire them. But I've heard you acting as his sole voice for far too long. And you're voice is one of a constant liar. I hope one day he realizes that. Hope the day comes that he realizes all that has been taken away from us both. Hope the day he realizes that his Daddy never gave up, never stopped fighting, until he was forced to. This is generational for me, but I will not keep fighting just to have revenge on you, I watched that as a child myself. In some ways I'm still a victim of that custody battle because everything bad in my life leads right back to that moment. But the defining moment in my life is when I became a father... That was always you're choice, and I will never abandon my responsibilities even if I do choose to abandon the battle. I don't seek revenge and theirs no point in trying to reconcile when he is almost the age of a man. He will be a man soon. Let him decide then.
Whether or not any of us like it, I will always be tied to niagara even tho it has never been and will never be fuckin home... But it is where what is left of my black heart resides, the only innocent and pure thing I have done in my life is there. The only thing in my life that hasn't been corrupted completely. Ironic how everything else has been destroyed, yet it all started there. It will likely end there too.
I'm slowly making peace with my decisions. But that does not mean I have to fucking like them, or the fact that they were forced upon me. I don't like the man I see in the mirror anymore. I haven't for a long fucking time. That's honesty. The world can hate me, I hate myself even more. It's hard to be at peace when all I feel is rage.. And at this point it's self consuming. Before I was able to point it at an external target not anymore. Now I just hurt. I don't have the will to fight anymore... I don't have the will to be angry anymore. It's just not worth it. It's self destructive. It is what it is, and I have to make peace with it. I don't have to like it. But I can't let the rage consume me, not anymore.
It has been eight years since I lost everything important in my life as a result of someone else's selfish action. I shouldn't have had to live with. But I have. Everything leads back to that moment. But it shouldn't be the thing that defines me... And it has been. The last eight years. It's been the only thing that I've thought about in every waking moment... I will never know true peace because that's the prison you have given me, and the open wound in my heart that will never fucking subside. I know exactly everything you have taken away from me forever. You have no idea how hard it is to walk away, and stop fighting. It fucks with a mans head. I never thought it would come to this. But at a certain period a man has to do what's best... And a black hole battle isn't it. Not anymore.
Facing the fact I am a cripple and that there are probably mental health issues I have ignored and fought to acknowledge for decades is also taking a heavy toll... But at this point there is nothing left otherwise.... I have to protect myself and be there and be whole, no matter whatever else I am I am still his father and always will be. I need to be here for him. I'm not looking for anyone else's pity or sympathy. But some things need to be dealt with so I can stay whole. My state of mind is fucked. I need to fix that. I'm in one the darkest places I have ever been in my life mentally and I'm not sure that there is any escaping it this time. I might just have to learn to live with it. Maybe it's what I fuckin deserve. I no longer have a soul to sell. It's gone.everything else that defined me is gone. I'm broken and I no longer think that there is any coming back from being completely into the abyss. It didn't just stare back. It fucking consumed me. I'm damaged and have had a hard life, and I think the same will be true for my son. Even tho I tried and every decision I made was his benefit, some decisions just kept digging a shallower and shallower grave for myself. I'm destroyed, and the skeletons rattling around in my closets are battered and broken, just like me. It is the least that I wanted for my kid...his generation shouldn't have to endure the bullshit we suffered. But it is a never ending cycle... And as long as I draw breath I am marked by my experiences growing up... I hope in my absence he has thrived and that in the long run that my experiences don't mark him the way they have utterly destroyed me. The darkness is mine to bear. It shouldn't have ever affected you and it's bullshit that it has, I will never forgive myself for that. I won't forgive your mother for bringing you into it either. Then again she has graver sins and betrayals that one day she will have to you answer for. Her decisions not mine. I can only apologize for the darknesses of my life that have affected you. I'm sorry kid. I tried. But is failed. I realize that now. Never in my wildest dreams would I want you or your mother hurt as a result of me or my actions. But shit keeps happening. The anger I hold toward her pales in comparison to the anger and rage I hold inside towards myself for my failings. I just hope at the end of all of this you do not completely hate me when I have that moment to explain if I get it. If I don't I have made peace with that. Just like I have made peace with my decision to no longer fight...just another thing I hope you can forgive me for. But I'm not going to keep fighting just to lose because my anger seeks revenge... That's her game, and the governments. They won. I lost. End of story.
Now I just have to learn to live with it, I don't have to like it. It's been eight long years since you destroyed me 100% I hope your happy. In eight months I will have an sixteen year old son I hardly know and have had every moment of his life torn away. Nothing else has ever mattered. But making my choice to stay away now has more to do with his future and the future of my grandchildren that history will never repeat itself in the next generations the way it has dominated mine. I walk away gladly knowing that their is a possibility in his life that my involvement would only bring more pain and devastation. In fact I expect it, you started this a long time ago, and neither of us are fucking innocent, but he was... And he should have stayed that way... All that's on you. But I know how damaged my family lines are, both mine and yours... Mine will follow me to the grave... But it shouldn't affect him, in fact I won't let it. I've made peace with that fact. I'll fight to my death if I have to just to protect him, and if the safest thing is to stay away then I'll do that. The darkness of my bloodline ends with me. The name dies with me...he's never known that name so why the hell should it matter.
When I'm done, just burn the corpse. I used to think I wanted to do things that fucking mattered, to leave a legacy, and now I just want to fade away, I've already fucking burned out.. A phoenix in a flame too many times, I am not coming back from this. There is and has been too much damage, I just need to have it spared from being inflicted anymore on the ones I love. It's too fucking late for me, the damage is done.. I'm broken and I am obsolete. My soul and heart are as black as I always claimed them to be. I don't doubt hell, in fact I embrace it. I don't want to be saved, not anymore. But that's my decision, mine alone. No one is coming with me... No one else Carrys this stain. He has enough of a burden to bear without my presence in his life. It hurts like fucking hell, but it's the only thing to do, the only thing to keep him safe, the only thing left. Hopefully she has the presence of mind and the strength to keep him safe, and sadly I don't trust that for a second. Her actions have already proved otherwise. I will never be at fucking peace with myself, much less the world around me. There is no reason my son should have to endure the same, even if it means I am a ghost and forgotten. If it keeps him safe and sane, so be it.
Current Mood: Empty
Current Music: Eminem, Kim
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
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