There is a fine line of new and old friends I am keeping in my life, and who the fuck I am not. Some of my good friends have proved there character and had my back thru this ordeal and understand my reasons for being silent all this time... And then some of my lesser acquaintances have also proven the strength of there character, or more correctly there lack thereof. I have anyone's back that has mine but if you're a fair weather friend I have no need of you in my life and a fair number of the wheat have by their actions not mine been separated from the chaff. I'd rather know who's riding and fighting with me to the death than have the ones that claim too leave long before the fucking finish line. I can be alone, I've been fighting alone for so damn long. It's all I knew. But honestly if I don't have a reason for you to be in my life and there's no reason for me by your behaviour to associate with you I no longer need to. I have a better class of friends and people that will always have my back. The people on my life that I am constantly helping fight their battles yet they are no where near for mine, and are fucking drama queens with the same repetitive behaviours that are the exact same since we were in early high school I don't need that in my life. Goes for anyone, you're either here for me or yer fucking not. I don't have the luxury anymore of staying friends with people whose past behaviours, history and current actions will damage me by association. I'm done fighting my own fucking lost causes, there is no way with the lack of support I help fight yours... Or want you involved in my life anymore... Everything I've endured leads a long way back, and part of a stretch of road is a long highway with you're name on it...
I would rather enjoy my life and do epic shit with the people that matter in my life and care as much about me as I do them than hang out with a fuckin person who has done nothing our entire lives and the lives of our children taking and taking and taking and crying the blues about her fuckin problems. I'm a man, win or lose I face my issues head the fuck on with no fear, no remorse and no backing down. But I don't have the strength for my own lost causes now, how the hell would I even consider helping someone else with her battles when she can't be bothered to be there for me and she's not even there or has the strength of character for her own private battles... But always available for added drama and to take advantage of others. I'm done feeling sorry or responsible for others like that. Especially given that's it's fuckin likely our prior relationship and that one fuckin moment in time where we almost looked like the happy family we were not before both of our worlds went to shit is at least part of my problems and heartache. If not a direct cause it was an indirect one. She who shall not be named is a vindictive and jealous and petty woman and the fact she looked at the time to be losing out to the girl from high school that she always thought I'd end up married to? That's a damn good reason to destroy a man, I can understand her point of view, and she for all her faults is probably a better woman than you have ever claimed to be. There's a reason why my entire adult life has been complicated by relationship with her, yet my relationship with you has always been an afterthought based on lingering memories and nostalgia for the days when we held onto the guns... If I remember those days correctly they were fucking as useless to me as you are today. The memories aren't good ones, they just got covered by a fuckin nostalgia filter for a long fuckin time. No more.
I don't need to be dragged down by those that claim to care about me but only involve me in there life for there own attention whore reasons, I've been getting that a lot recently, and honestly I'm trying to repair myself and have my fucking back...to find myself again... If yer dragging me down and not involved in my life unless you need something, I don't need or want you in my life, that goes for all of you... Not just the one I've singled out due to recent fuckin anger... I'm learning exactly who has my back and who does not... And if you're on the list of those that don't need to be breathing the same air as me or accorded the same respect I've always gave you? I don't need you in my life. Everything I do now I do for me. I'm done being crucified on the cross for people I once knew that never did a damn thing to help me, or even themselves. The fact that I have abandoned people to protect them and the innocent lives that are held in the balance is a factor when walking away from those who I see just destroying themselves. My self destructive tendencies are gone... Those days are over.. I still live my life a quarter mile at a time because there's no idea what's coming next or how fuckin long anyone of us are going to be left standing on this ball of rock... If I was to die tomorrow I'd leave with very few regrets, more than a few mourners, and a smile on my face knowing I stood my ground for as long as I had to till I was eventually destroyed and the toll was to great to fuckin continue... No one gets out of here alive, but goddamnit I'm attempting to. I don't need distractions that will eventually continue to destroy me. If I wanted that, I could get it by myself. I no longer want an emotional connection to anyone that doesn't do a thing for me or give a damn about me. I have enough problems of my own, I don't need yours in my head as well. I don't have time for anyone else's bullshit and drama no matter what our old ties are. That was a long time ago and I'm no longer that man. Nor do I fucking tolerate attention whores in my life that play games every fuckin time I interact with them. Therefor I no longer fucking interact with them. If I'm not in you're life anyways why are you boring me with you're drama? I have enough of my own.everything's full fucking circle as I'm right back where everything started, blocks from our old apartment in 96, where shit should have ended between us. But unlike those wild halcyon days I'm somewhere safe and with people that care about me without fuckin leaning on me and using me. I don't need that and I no longer need you. In my life, in my psyche or in my heart. You and I shoulda Been done a long fucking time ago... And now we are, your actions, my decision.
I took responsibility for my actions long ago, and I still continue to take responsibility. It's a core part of my character. I am sick of being surrounded by those that blame others for their problems. You know what that's an easy trap I could easily fall right fucking into. I was dealt the dead mans hand of bad experiences in my life time. Aces and fucking Eights all the way thru the deck. But I'm still right here standing. I'm still right here being accountable for everything I've said and done, and even some things I have not. But that's how a real man deals with things. How a real fucking parent deals with things. It breaks my heart to walk away. It damn near is destroying me, and I do a damn good job of being self destructive to start with. I'm still standing and I'm still dealing with the consequences of my choices. What I am not doing is finding myself at the bottom of a bottle or a crack pipe and blaming the world for my shitty decisions and my shitty lot in life blaming it all on medical, emotional or mental issues. Hell I know I'm certifiable. I've known that a very long time. The shirt says criminally insane don't it? But the point is... I stand tall even after being chopped down and destroyed repeatedly, a little bent, a lot broken, but my roots are intact. I know who I am and who I am not. And I'm Not putting my misery and/or the blame for it on anyone's else's shoulders. It's my own to bear. No excuses. That's not how I work. I wish I could see the same strength in some of my so called former friends.. But then again... All that is yet another reason I am stepping away. Some in the last few years I was afraid of damaging, now there are some that I am afraid to damage me. Safest to walk the fuck away. I'm good at it, look at my past history... The best thing I've ever done is walk away from things I've loved. There are only three real options. Fight, fuck or flee. I'm really good at Fighting when I need to and for a long time, but I'm done... My battles are over, no new ones. Fucking, well there are no prospects on the horizon right now... And that's one reason certain emotional attachments had to hit rock bottom in terms of respect for me to finally have enough of it... That being said, I have no reason to apologize for being heartless when my heart and soul have repeatedly been tore from my chest. I no longer trust you or the poison emotions that spring forth about you, they've always been one sides anyhow. And fleeing... Sometimes running away from the person or persons that damage you most is the most intelligent thing in the world.
I'm sick and tired of being damaged and the only person I need rattling around in my headspace is myself right now. I have no fucking time for others. Esp ones that fucking prove to be a drain on me and my less than infinite emotional resources. My headspace is a dangerous place to be anyways. Trust me you probably don't want any part of it. Even if I was to fucking let you in, which for most of you I won't.
I'm sick of not having anything to show for my accomplishments over the years, and every time I regain a little ground, I fucking lose everything again. This has always been a fucking pattern in my life. Between the bad influences and the bad decisions that needs to stop. It's time to rebuild and actually fucking have something. I'm sick of having nothing. I've got no problem having no one involved in my life however. It fucking sucks to be instantly forgotten, but I'm fine with it. There is a reality that comes from that. Like the phoenix in a black fire, it's a new start... No ties means starting over makes things a lot easier.. And some of those ties were just fucking tourniquets holding me down and cutting off the blood flow to more important decisions.
I don't trust anyone anymore and there are good goddamn reasons for that. It's better to stand alone and know that you're feet are on solid ground than to truly trust anyone to have yer fuckin back. It's not like it's going to be there when you actually need the support. That's been already proven by many.
I am trying to take care of myself right now and reverse years of self inflicted damage and other scars to myself. I don't need any fucking distractions or anyone else dragging me down with their petty needs or behaviours. I simply don't have time for that nonsense in my life anymore. I don't know how much time any of us have fucking left... And I'm not wasting my final years on this mortal coil dancing around with you, or anyone else. Fuck that. If I say you're not wanted or needed in my fucking life, at this point Take the fucking hint. I've lost enough people that were wanted or needed in my life, and it's going to be a long road getting them even a fraction of a moment back in my life... I don't fucking need those that will drag me down anymore. Not even for one second.
I'm sick of attention whores and mutants who think their special fucking problems accord them some kind of status in this world. Do you have any kind of fucking idea the drama I deal with on a daily basis? Let alone the prisons I endure mentally in my mind? I see the world in black and white now, with just a tinge of orange. If I wouldn't have tolerated that kind of behaviour within those walls you can bet yer fucking ass, those behaviours will not be tolerated in the real world. Not anymore. These things I do for myself are for me. If you are dragging me down as usual, you no longer need to exist in my world. You are gone. All of you.
If I can't trust you or I don't like you're actions you are no longer going to be part of my life. I have my own pain, drama and damage I am trying to work my way thru. Things that have always had something to do with my actions and my behaviours. I'm accountable to them. The ones I watch and see that are not, they are not and no longer will be part of my life. That is without question. Only one can judge me and he's in niagara not in the heavens. Anyone else I don't give a damn about you're opinions and you're reasons. I stayed away from some for all the right reasons, and some just need to fade away and fuck off for similar reasons. I still see things in black and white, there are no shades of grey, only blood red in anger. I'm done being down for others who have not and will not ever be down for me. I have a higher class of friend now and those are the people moving forward I'll choose to be around. I'm sick of all my fake fucking fair weather friends. I got solid people in my life in a lot of places... Even in the darkest of places... I'll keep the people I trust and I know have my back. The people who time and time again have proven their loyalty and how much they respect me even when I am undeserving of it. I don't have to spend my time pissing around with those that no longer respect themselves enough to not be obviously destroying themselves. I have every reason to go on a roaring rampage of revenge or go further down the spiral and become extremely self-destructive but those are choices I am not fuckin choosing... I have things left to do, a few goals maybe... But I'm not gonna destroy myself to feel better for a few moments... And I refuse to support at this point anyone that fucking does willingly indulge in these behaviours... Especially those that have had their habits and indulgences affect me over the years. I no longer have any fucking time for that. I'm a grown Ass man, one faces his responsibilities and decisions, they don't hide from them using substances constantly.
That's too easy a fucking escape for me. I like my pain. It's the only thing I can feel anymore. It's the only thing that keeps me going and motivated. It's fuel for the fucking fire inside... Even when the anger and hate are gone, and I want and need them gone so I can make peace in my mind and in my world. The pain will remain, the pain will never fucking subside, I need it to be there, that scar, that open wound, reminding me of what I have fucking lost. I'm not going to dull that pain and try to escape the things I lost. I need to know they are still a part of me and what I am missing. They will always be a part of me, as will the fucking pain... But I'm not going to try to forget or alter my experiences or memories... I need to be me, I need to be whole. I'm not going to use altered states to help me endure this. I'm going to face it head on, as myself... Without any distractions.... Without any altered states or substances affecting my decisions. That's the plight of a weaker person who can't cope with the world... No matter how dark the night or the whole gets... As long as I have my sober mind as my most powerful weapon even in my chosen peacetime, I'll endure... I'll survive. There is no longer any possibility of a victor. We have all lost in one way or another. But I'll refuse if I let myself be forgotten by damaging what little is left of my soul by injecting poison into my body or drinking myself to death while crying about my lot in life and how everyone else screwed me. My decisions are my own, I screwed me, no one else. I refuse to acknowledge anyone else who isn't man enough or woman enough to admit their faults and failures. I admit my failures proudly, I take ownership of them because they are all that a fucking have left.
I'm sick of looking back on my life and realizing that in my darkest hours the people I did so much for, and sacrificed so much for...abandoned me. That's proof of their character not mine. It's not unexpected. But certain ones of you I held to a higher esteem and respect and obviously I was sadly mistaken... I'm done with people who only need you so they can fucking take from you. I have nothing left to take, thanks. It's all gone.
I'm sick of misplaced loyalties and people that are only around when they need something... And those that get angry at the world when things don't go their way because they have done exactly nothing to help themselves and just expect others to do for them. I may have nothing right now in my life, but I've never sat there hat in hand asking for a handout either. I take care of myself. That's what men are supposed to do... That's what everyone is supposed to do. My sob story is mine alone, I'm not broadcasting it for sympathy or help, I never have used it for that. I never will.... And I'm choosing to disassociate from those that do, it's all about their character and they have none... The same people I'm a disconnecting from because of their personal poisonous connections to me, are the first ones to cry about what the world, what the government, what whoever, has done for be lately... And they are the same people when I might have needed them said they would be there... Ride or die with me right?
They weren't.
People that say they ride and die, usually don't when push comes to shove. I judge everyone by there actions in the worst of times including myself. I have real fucking friends I want to be with and have around because they are a positive influence, look at this weekend alone. But those that need to be gone, you are gone. I don't need any more fucking drama in my life and when you are demanding or a drain on my limited resources, I don't care how long I've fuckin known you or shared experiences or any of that. I'm doing for me and only me at this point in my life. I don't need anyone dragging me down, not anymore. I'm not waiting for people to let me down anymore and/or constantly take advantage leaving me with nothing to show for it... I'd rather be left alone. I'm sick of games and recently I'm sick of people that said they were gonna be there and have my back and never did. At least one got some respect for being there twenty+ years ago when I landed, but now she's no longer a part of my life by my choice.. I don't need her drama and her actions affecting my life... Me walking away is something that should have been done years ago... That's my choice and my actions... But I have to prove my character over and over again while I only get the scraps, meanwhile I watch her getting bogus sympathy for every little drama she brings upon herself... I'm done being the fucking shoulder to cry on and having my life disaffected by her decisions. I have the same attitude on some friends that do not have my fuckin back. Their actions define them as much as my silence and my decisions define and continue to define me... If they don't like it, I don't give a damn, I'm the one walking away remember? It's the one thing I'm damn good at....And I never fucking look back. Not anymore. I need to be about me in this world and not come back to life after a year and half and be dragged down by someone else's bullshit. That's not what I'm about anymore. I've lost everything else and made powerful enemies, some of that is not completely on my own... Some of it is having the back of another for far too long when their own actions ensured damnation. I've lost everything anyways, a few more fucking friends is nothing else in the scheme of things. This is where I say goodbye.
The End.
Current Mood: Sad.
Current Music: Pycho, D12
I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we's going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world...every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head...all the time. Can you understand? ...
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