Skip to main content

Rebuilding

You don't turn your back on family, even when they do.

To know that some people still have my back even after all of this means everything to me. That's what's important to me now. The ones that love me and care about me, regardless of how strained and how much I've pushed them away, some it was an easy choice because I will not have my life affecting anyone else's, and I'll fight and go down swinging if it was ever to have been my presence in people's lives that affected them. I feel better for having these people in my life, and at this point I only need positive people that care about me in my life, period.

I need happy moments in my life not drama. I've made peace with all the drama in my life. I don't need or want anymore. There is no reason to dwell on darkness and anger. I've made my peace with that. I'm a good person even if I have to prove it to others again, some know, others doubt, including myself. That's the hardest part proving to myself I'm still a good person. It would be very easy to let the darkest sides and the anger and evil take over. But there are good people out there watching to help make sure that never happens.

One or two of the very good things about this city that are a part of me and are family are the only things that give me pause to ever leave. I reject all the poison here completely, but those I love are the only ones here worthwhile being involved with anymore. There's light here in Hamilton. It's hard to see right now, but there's light here for me. I won't forget that and there's a lot of this city I won't miss, a lot of people. As far as I'm concerned, most of my past is dead. But the good people that I call blood will always be there, I thank god for that.

Trying to decide my next path is harder when I do find the moments I have left that bring warmth into a very broken and turmoiled heart. The fact I am finding them again more than I expected is surprising. I built up a wall and it wasn't just the biker beard hiding me from the world. It's time to let some of those walls down. Not all, but some. Allow myself to be cared for again instead of rebelling and being hated. I've had enough of that for one lifetime. I need to let people in or I will not heal.

Current Mood: Happier, Less Sad.
Current Music: Eminem, Space Bound

No matter where you are, whether it's a quarter mile away or halfway across the world, you'll always be with me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Fall Of Cybertron III: Where’s Poochie.

It is very easy for me to fade away and just get bored of other people and politics when games are played. I’m not even fucking blinking when someone else who I’ve done things for, constantly for months with no rewards suddenly forgets I exist. That’s real easy for me to fucking deal with. Con politics, games, asshole people that don’t pay there Fuckin promises from day one? Don’t call my number.  I stepped away from this shit once on my own. I have no fucking problem doing it again. I feel used and betrayed, but for me it was a Tuesday. I suspect jealousy and politics but I also know when to stick a fork in something when it’s done. I’ve got no interest being around anyone that doesn’t want me involved in there little cliques. I mean this thing was fun but from day one it was political. I don’t need stress and drama in my life. I can hang up my Wizard robe and move the fuck on. I did a great job of it on my own anyways. I don’t look amateur hour like the rest of them. And I no lon...
Post a Comment
Read more

Serpent's Kiss.

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth.  I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable.  there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th...
Post a Comment
Read more