To know that some people still have my back even after all of this means everything to me. That's what's important to me now. The ones that love me and care about me, regardless of how strained and how much I've pushed them away, some it was an easy choice because I will not have my life affecting anyone else's, and I'll fight and go down swinging if it was ever to have been my presence in people's lives that affected them. I feel better for having these people in my life, and at this point I only need positive people that care about me in my life, period.
I need happy moments in my life not drama. I've made peace with all the drama in my life. I don't need or want anymore. There is no reason to dwell on darkness and anger. I've made my peace with that. I'm a good person even if I have to prove it to others again, some know, others doubt, including myself. That's the hardest part proving to myself I'm still a good person. It would be very easy to let the darkest sides and the anger and evil take over. But there are good people out there watching to help make sure that never happens.
One or two of the very good things about this city that are a part of me and are family are the only things that give me pause to ever leave. I reject all the poison here completely, but those I love are the only ones here worthwhile being involved with anymore. There's light here in Hamilton. It's hard to see right now, but there's light here for me. I won't forget that and there's a lot of this city I won't miss, a lot of people. As far as I'm concerned, most of my past is dead. But the good people that I call blood will always be there, I thank god for that.
Trying to decide my next path is harder when I do find the moments I have left that bring warmth into a very broken and turmoiled heart. The fact I am finding them again more than I expected is surprising. I built up a wall and it wasn't just the biker beard hiding me from the world. It's time to let some of those walls down. Not all, but some. Allow myself to be cared for again instead of rebelling and being hated. I've had enough of that for one lifetime. I need to let people in or I will not heal.
Current Mood: Happier, Less Sad.
Current Music: Eminem, Space Bound
No matter where you are, whether it's a quarter mile away or halfway across the world, you'll always be with me.
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