I left something behind in November, and I know it's not just my missing motorcycle boots. My mental health ain't great and it's time to address it. I'm not sure how, but I'm trying but I know mentally I've lost a lot. My legendary temper is still there but docile, I just hope one day I don't explode and have it internalize before I hurt myself or someone else. Enough damage has been done because of my actions and decisions. Thought I was doing the right thing, but now I question the decision. There are people in my life who have proven themselves... Both inside and out. Others not so much. When I'm questioning others motives when I'm trying to keep my own shit together, that's not a fuckin healthy place to be. There's a reason I'm standing by those that had my back and ignoring or straight up dismissing others that I don't want in my life. I'm trying to fucking rebuild myself, both my shattered life and myself mentally. I don't need anyone else rattling around in my head space or their drama affecting my mind. I have enough fuckin skeletons upstairs as it is. I'm trying to find myself. I have people that have my back and always will, I have people that abandoned me, and I have people I am choosing to abandon. Some I did so to protect and I keep my distance. And others I just don't have fucking time for anymore.i don't need there bullshit and drama affecting my own drama. There are people that will always have my back and mine theirs, and others that have claimed the same, but I've been dead a year and a half yet I'm not the one acting like a ghost. I've made my choices, I have to live with my decisions. But the fact that I am losing my mind a little more each day and it takes all of my built up mental defenses just to wake up every day and deal with the wreckage of my world, I don't need some of the people responsible for it's crumbling personal nature involved in my life anymore, I can do enough permanent damage to my life alone. I only need those in my life that are good and solid people, no matter what circumstances we met under. The people that only claim to be solid but flake the fuck out when the chips are down have proven their fuckin character or lack thereof. I'd rather be crazy and dealing with it inside my own melon alone than having some of the craziness external to myself affecting me at this point in my life. I remember why and we'll the reason I walked away from this city the first time. The fact this time there is a bit more of a longer term plan of escape to see what the hell happens, honestly I don't know or control my future anymore but I'll be damned if anyone else takes control of it either. I'll take status quo and being happy and dealing with my bullshit and finding myself again than trying to be involved with anyone's horseshit. I have lost a step and I think the ghosts and demons inside are winning, if not haven't already declared victory. I only good people in my life that I can trust. The anger, the rage, and the fight I have chosen to step away from still consume me and they need to be dealt with. I don't need fuckin distractions and people and places that will just make me further broken. I have had enough of those fucking experiences. I only want good things and good memories now. I have had enough of the negativity that has followed me my entire life. I'm not going to run with people who do nothing for me and just strip the bones from my back with their needs and emotional wants... I'm a closet psychotic and you do not want to fuck with me after I've crossed the line and/or lost control... And I am long past both... I have also lost focus, I've lost everything, and I will feel pity for whoever crosses me at the wrong time sooner or later. Choosing not to fight for my sanity and the safety of others is different than abandoning my principles and everything I fought to become for decades. I'm still that person and I always will be. But it's all gone now. I've been beyond the abyss and destroyed and somehow came back mostly whole. Something's, no correction, a lot is fuckin missing... But I'm still here, and trying to make positive changes and actions in my life. It would be fucking easier to succumb to the darkness, but that's the easy way out. Just like my old stone cold shirt said, I always choose to do things the fuckin hard way. As long as I can wake up every day and face myself in the mirror, it's just another day. I've been destroyed and broken for 8 fucking years, nothing changed there. Nothing about me at my core has changed, other than the fact that the anger and hate that threatens to consume no longer has a target... But that's my choice to let it affect me internally, rather than focus it on a losing battle that has damaged way too many in this lifetime. I'll end up destroying myself on a quest to destroy her, and it's never been about revenge, if I was to continue at this point, that's all it would be about...
... And that's no longer what I want my life to be about, even if it means that decision fucks with my mind every waking moment of my life, and causes me not to sleep at night. It's better to step away and take care of myself for the moment. I fought long enough, and lost almost everything, even my soul. There are places I have found silence and peace in my life, some of those places have been unexpected. Fighting a losing war, and being damaged by every decision is not healthy anymore. I'm too old for that shit. I'm too old for a lot of things. I'm done being damaged if I can fucking help it. I'm done damaging myself and everyone else. It's easier to hide all the emotions inside than let the world see. It's easier to let them consume me slowly with sadness and depression than burn out in flaming glory. I have lost the will to fight, I've lost the will for everything. Except to Survive. I'm damn good at that, no matter the depths of survival I have to sink to.
If people are going to act and treat me like poison I am going to do the same to them accordingly. I've seen all my hopes and dreams destroyed. All I have left is my ever present nightmares... And most of them have came true. So if I scare people so be be it. I'd rather be damned for the things I do than the things I did not.
All I need is a few good friends and family I can trust and a bottle of beer. I no longer have any expectations in this life, save living as comfortably as I can with the little I have left. That's all I want, that's all I need. The rest of the world can burn for all I care. Only one thing on the outside matters, and I've been denied that, and a normal relationship with him since he was a year old. one day I'll be here to answer any questions, and being around for that day sometimes is the only thing keeping me going. But someone's gotta be able to explain this twisted fairy tale to him, and I don't trust that he will ever get the truth otherwise. I've done things that have mattered in this world and it's not likely that's ever going to happen again. But at least for one brief second the biggest thing in my world happened... I'll always be your dad, that's the one thing they can't take away...I'd rather lose everything than to have never had that experience... It just sucks how little we had of it. It was my battle and now I've walked away from it before it becomes meaningless revenge... That's never been my game. Always others... Always the one that came before me, and punishment for me for not living up to her flawed expectations 2 decades ago when we met and did love each other. If I wanted revenge in the first place I would have chosen not to fight, I've seen what a battle based solely on revenge can bring, I've lived it, I was a little younger than you are now...and I watched my world crumble to shit and not for the first time.. It's a generational thing, I understand that now, and the only hope and dream I have left is that the curse that was bestowed upon me never reaches you and that you manage to escape it in ways I never could.
There are pieces of shit in my back pages and unfortunately that darkness has reached you as well due to both sides of our little family being fractured and damaged. The fact I couldn't be there for you and her in that moment when you needed me will always play heavy on my mind and maybe that was the sign to make peace and stop fighting, maybe that's what she can't forgive. But I doubt it. I have enough issues trying to forgive myself for things I haven't done but have had to endure.
Having all that ignored by professionals who are just doing their jobs reminds me of how little faith or respect I have for the system. Just doing a job sounds a lot like just following orders. We've heard that one before. I can't believe I ever wanted to be a part of the system and/or employed in it. The only change that happened was that I ended up destroyed. I still have my beliefs and views and ain't no one gonna stop me from fucking writing. But I am frustrated and angry and it's going in all different directions.... I don't deal with authority good on a good day and it's been almost a decade since my last good day.
Current Mood: Depressed, Angry.
Current Music: No Love, Eminem.
Please, trust me. I most definitely can be cheerful. I can be amiable. Agreeable. Affable. Just don't ask me to be nice. Nice has nothing to do with me.
The man who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself.
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