This is probably the hardest blog i have evr had to fucking write... i've rehearsed everything i want to say a million times in my head.. but i fought for 8 years this war that has taken everything from me including my mental health... for those that know me, they know that i would willingly fall on my sword expecting a viking funeral on route to a one way trip to hell for my beliefs... and having to finish the war this way saddens me.. long story short.. it ends and I lost and i simply have things in my life that need to be taken care before i lose the little i have left. I have lost the will to fight, i'm sick of courts, lawyers and fighting. i can no longer mentally deal with it everything related to this. it's not enough to be completely destroyed... which i am at this point. I feel so dead inside... but I'm stronger than that, the only thing keeping me here is the fact that I do have suicide being for cowards as one of my fucking core beliefs.. but i am at peace and the anger is gone. as much as it can be... there's a lot of unanswered questions and i'm so goddamn broken and there are things that will never be right in my life agian... but it is what it is and i have to live with it. i have made choices for me and me alone instead of sacrificing everything to end up with nothing.. i ended up with nothing anyways... and i have no time for people that were formerly in my life coming out of the woodwork with the same old dramas.. last thing i need to see right now is some person i sacrificed so much for still being the exact person she has been for the entirety of our lifetimes since we met.. she's no longer my problem... i'm done sacrificing for those that no longer matter. I've never pretended to be hard or a thug, but i am angry and broken, I've seen a lot of hell in my life and for some reason i cannot fucking escape it.. so for now i am making decisions and those i am making them only for me.. i am not looking fucking back anymore towards anyone.. i have to do things for myself, and my past is always going to follow me and destroy me and make me broken and hollow. i need to keep what i have left before my mind is gone and it destroys whatever relationships i have left. but the war is over and i'm done fighting. it's simply not the easiest choice but at this point it's the only choice left, it's destroying me and breaking me apart inside to admit that.... but it's what i have to do... i can't fight anymore... it's time to lie down my weapons and my fighting spirit and let things simply be whatever they are going to be.. I need to focus on the things that i have left. i still see the world in black and white and i always will.. if anyone walks away from me i understand, i have for a long fucking time.. i understand that completely, as i said the world is black and white to me and always will be... however right now all i am seeing is a lot of shades of red.. but that's the price of being defeated isn't it? i fought for as long as i could kid... i'm sorry. i hope one day you will understand that. it kills me deep in my soul that things have ended this way, but the fates have always aligned to destroy me and the fact that it's always my past that does the damage because people focus on all the bad things and the dark things, doesn't mean the good things don't always have had value. i'm proud of beoing a dad, i'm proud of the positive things i've done in this world. i'm just sad that in all reality those things meant nothing in comparison to everything else. i tried, god knows i tried but i'm done trying. i'm fucking defeated and broken, the system won. she got what she wanted.
I've paid a heavy price for my actions... And decisions. The worst fucking part is the things I've been damned for that I haven't done. I fully admit the sins that are taking me to hell. But those aren't the ones that keep dragging me down. It's always the sins it haven't done that destroy me over and over agian. It needs to end and it seems the only way it will is by my own hand or when I am dead and gone. Might as well be defeated and done and at peace than constantly in battle, and in a prison of my own mind. I can no longer summon the will to fight and it's time to surrender. I'm sorry to all that I am disappointing with this but it's the only way I ever will find any peace, inner or otherwise. For those that have had and still have my back I thank you, you're support means everything to me... If yer gone, I understand that too. There's a reason I withdrew completely rather than have anyone else effected by my enemies and demons that constantly chase me and seek my end. Those that know my true character will understand this. I don't want anyone else affected by my personal hells, not anymore. This is my cross to bear. Alone.
I've seen things and experienced things that would kill a lesser man and that no man should have fucking experienced... But this is my lot in life... I guess just to survive I'm gonna need the patience of job... But I don't have it as strongly anymore... I have faith but I will one day meet my maker... And on that day I will have questions, and I'm bringing ammunition... But for now my weapons are being laid down so I can protect my most powerful one... Whatever is left of my soul. I'm so broken inside and gone I don't know what I have left to give. I ain't going anywhere, I still got plenty to do and accomplish and it's time to focus on that. And this isn't the blaze of glory I expected but I always told you that when I went out it would make the news... I just never expected to still be breathing after I was destroyed... Even more I'm still standing somehow. I have faced hell, the devil and every demon I've ever had and I still came back out of it whole. There's so much more I could have lost like precious memories that could have been gone forever. Those things mean everything to me now. So much else that defined me has been stripped down from me beyond the bone... But that's because I choice to have a voice and career that I never should have chosen. But I still have my mind and my skills. My accomplishments no one can take them away... It just fucking sucks everything I worked for so many years caused me nothing but pain and completely broke me. That's the reality of the way I grew up and all the history there... I just hope that stepping away from the battle saves him all the history and pain that I have had to constantly deal with this past 40+ years.... I was an idiot to aspire to more... It doesn't matter, my destiny and fate was chosen for me before I could even take control of it. At the end of the day that's what defines me, the battle that has the last 8 years has much older origins and it's time to be fucking done... It breaks my heart but I need whatever I have left while there is time and that's it. It's time to lay my sword down before I fall upon it and/or lose what little sanity I have left... I hope one day you will understand... I tried, longer than most men would be willing to, and endured things that would have broken a lesser man.... I make no apologies to anyone but him.... Hopefully he won't have the same hells in his life I have had in mine... But he's already had some of his own. I will not and I refuse to add to any more of his tragedy. That and only that, is the reason this is done.
The End.
I'm done with people and their drama I don't need in my life too... If you are still dealing with familar behaviours that go back to our childhood and it's the same fucking drama and cries out for attention, people like you I don't need in my life, I'm already a prisoner of my own mind and that's worse than any prison I could ever think of... But the fact that I'm watching the same bullshit on someone I supported thru everything while dealing with my own personal hells and certain people don't fucking change and I almost wonder if one of the reasons I'm a target and guilty by association is because I had someone I've cared for since high school has never made one positive decision since high school and has dragged herself and everyone that considers her family down... Including my child... Due to his mothers jealousy because once upon a time we did almost look like a happy family... But you're the same person you've always fucking been, and I have enough people like you in my back pages that have caused me enough drama and heartache... I don't need anyone like that in my life...
The people i need In my life are the ones that have seen me thru this battle and have always had my back... The ones that are going to help this broken soldier come back to the world and help heal some of these scars that are bone deep... If you're going to lean on me and be a liability, at this point you're not needed, I don't want you please go away... I made my choices for me and to protect the innocent... Anyone that thinks that is selfish or wrong will never understand who I am at my core... And anyone that knows my character knows exactly where I stand... I see the world in black and white.. And making this agonizing choice because there was no way to win the battle with the cards stacked agianst me... Is what has truly broken me... Every thing I am has been obliterated and all I am left with is a hollow shell, my heart still beats, but only for a select few.
I never should have left windsor for the reasons I did, no regrets because I did so for the right fucking reasons and there was no way she was going to allow me to even be a dad for the moments I was given being that far away... But at least in Windsor I was my own man and my history of pain didn't follow.. I was happy there and it was the last time I had found peace in my life...it was the last time I didn't have his mother in my life trying assert control or destroy me... As far as concerned she's dead to me anyways... She made that decision when she opened the door to her bastard brother after all she had done to me... But I remember what it was like before she came back into my life, and brought me the one and only thing to this day I am willing to alternatively die for and walk away from to protect. In not wanting to be a deadbeat dad I ended up more damaged than ever before... But I can remember being happy a long time ago... I was happy and I was fucking alone.... There was only one reason I sacrificed my world up there and let it crumble and let it slip thru my fingers... A decade and a half later what do I have to show for it, memories? Photographs? A broken soul that will never be completely whole agian? At least in Windsor I was left alone.. But I can't even go Home agian to protect another.... It's always been an option... But it is no longer one... I won't betray anyone I love anymore than I already have. That's my choice and my burden to bear. If I can't protect those I love, I will walk away if it accomplishes the sane end result. That's what I need to do now... Everything is gone and torn away... Everything I was and still am is still the man I am at my core... And that influences my every decision. I can't let the poison and target I have become affect anyone else. Not one. Not ever.
I will find peace because that's all I have left... It's easier to put everything behind me and forget about it, but forgetting about it and being someone else only works if others are willing to forget, and I have never been given that fucking option. I wear my scars proudly, both within and without.... But I should not be defined by them, both inside and out, especially by outsiders that have no fucking idea who the hell I am, but that's exactly how the system works. I need to be done with the system. I've spent my life dealing with courts and lawyers and social workers, and half of his. It's time to be done with all of it. If they won't allow me to be done with the corrupt ness of the entire flawed justice and family courts I end it myself. No more battles, no more fighting, this is where it ends... I'll draw a line in the sand and stand my ground, but as far as any further battles or being a warrior and fighting till my last breath... That's all done... I need my sanity, I need my health... I need the family I have left, I can deal with being defeated, I can deal with being broken hearted, but I can no longer deal with anyone else affected by me and the things in my fatal family tree...
The cycle ends here.
At the very least I can die with my honour intact, knowing that I have done the right things by the people I have loved in this world... Even if it came at a massive personal cost... I have been destroyed, my own actions fighting this endless battle created a no win scenario....I refused to believe in no win scenarios but just like the kobayashi maru, there is no winning agianst the system. The house always fucking wins. I just was too stupid to ever back down. I still see the world in my own special brand of black and white that won't fucking change... But there are a lot of edges to that world view that are currently blood red and full of hate and rage... Some of it inward, most of it directed outwardly... There are people that will never be forgiven, and the worst part is I'm not completely convinced I will ever be able to forgive myself or completely and fully live with my decisions... I needed to end things for myself, the battle is lost, my mind cannot be the next thing I lose... I've lost everything else, my child, multiple homes, my animal, friends and family members that couldn't handle this and ride with me to the end. I understand the ones that had to walk away, just as I understand the ones that I have to walk away from... No matter what the cost. I walk away from this war knowing I did the best I could for as long as I could, and I will go to my grave with a smile on my face knowing that, regardless of what pain this and any other future decisions cost me...I've always done the right thing even if it wasn't the right thing for me at that exact moment, this decision to stop being a weapon of mass destruction, to stop being a soldier and a warrior, is forever. There is no turning back. It's the right thing for me, and the right thing for him. When I look in the mirror and see who exactly I have become, I'm aware of how he never surrendered, and destroyed us all. I am not fucking him, I never will be. I won't fight after the point of no return just to have my fucking revenge. The fight is over, there is no reason to continue it now just to gain an ounce of blood, we've already dealt enough damage to each other and took our share of skin from one another... No one wins, but I have lost. I completely lost. I refuse to have this being the only thing that defines his relationship with me, there are good memories there depending on how much his mind has been corrupted... But I'm done with anger, hate and revenge. I've lost my taste for war and I need to take care of myself before I hurt someone with the boiling anger and hate inside. I've kept it bottled for so long I need to deal with it, but I can change tactics and targets and find a way to find myself before I destroy myself or someone else. And there's really no reason to allow that to happen, I've already been destroyed, it's just taking my body a while to understand that fact... My mind and what little is left of my black soul, completely understand what I've lost and what's been stripped away from me under the skin... I'm lost and I will never be found or come home completely whole again. That's my burden. Mine alone.
I have no time in my life anymore for drama. Courts, cops, lawyers, asshole friends and people that I once thought that would be there till the end but have fucking shown over the last year the integrity of there character. I have proven my character in the burning proving grounds of hell and still ended up defeated... I can live with that. But my eyes are opened, I know who wasn't there with me and whose choice each individual situation was. Those that I pushed away to protect is one thing... But the ones who didn't bother to fucking find out if I was dead or alive, those are the ones that are going to be excommunicated with no shame and no remorse. I don't care how long I've known you. I've known myself longer, and if I am ever to come back from this place I'm in. A Hell I somewhat willingly entered to end everything and just have it done. I will survive this alone. By myself, for myself. I don't need anyone in my life that is only there when they need me and not when I need them. I don't need anyone. I've proven that the last year in the wilderness. There were some rough out there. But I'm still here, I'm still standing and I'm whole... I've shed some skin and lost everything that I am ever going to...but I understand defeat now. It was the only fucking option.
Some emotional ties never should have been made, and many more will be severed. But this is a tourniquet to stop the bleeding and to stop any more victims from being destroyed the way I have been because no one was ever fucking listening. I refuse to perpetuate the vicious cycle on another generation or to anyone even remotely sideways connected to me. They, especially the innocent ones deserve better. My life is a prison, I can't change that. But I can spare others my fate. The ones I can't are damned anyways by their own decisions. This is how I protect myself and those I care about. This is how I step away from the person and the man I have always been. I have to find something new to define myself and I'm not sure exactly what that is going to be. I'm enduring changes to take care of myself. Things I've refused to deal with or acknowledge for years. I no longer have that luxury, but I do have the luxury to choose who I still want in my life and which bridges to burn, and which ones I should have torched with gasoline a long time ago. I also have the strength and will to admit when I'm defeated and when there is no coming back from it. There is no fucking resurrection due me. I just have to live this lifetime... Whatever the hell I have of it, without losing the chunks of me I have left. The crosses I bear, I choose to bear them alone... I am alone. Everything that mattered has been taken away repeatedly. This has always been the end game. I think the only difference is no one ever expected me to wave a fuckin white flag of surrender. I was expected dead. No one takes me out but me, and that will never fucking happen. But I'm done fighting. My swords are down, forever. I hope you understand.
There are many different shades of darkness and evil in this world and I have had just enough of seeing my share. I won't let my own evils, demons and darkness affect or inflict anyone else anymore. A man has to walk away before he destroys others. It doesn't matter if he destroys himself, that damage is already done. But this is where it ends... For everyone, it's just got to be done. It's just got to be gone. I am compromising in the face if Armageddon but that is how far things had to be taken to reach that compromise... That's how much had to be taken and stripped away from me.. And it is ls, and it will always be my choice to end this war... It can't go on forever, I don't have an ounce of anger or revenge left to contribute... There are bigger things than petty revenge... I will never be like him... This is why I am fucking ending things... The way they always end between us... Unresolved.
I don't know if I'm ever coming back from this. I'm sick of being in fucking pain.I'm done.
Current Mood: Angry, Depressed, Broken.
Current Music: System Of A Down, Prison Song.
Be careful who you choose as your enemy because that's who you become most like.
Friedrich Nietzsche
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