Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Love is deceitful and sublime. In its truest form, it brings out the best in all beings. At its worst, it's a tool used to manipulate and ruin anyone who is stupid enough to hold it. I shouldn't love you... We are very dangerous together. But I will always love the both of you, that's something that never fucking change. That's why this hurts so fucking much. We aren't the same fucking people we were.. I wish to God we were, but we are not. Not even close... We were damaged goods before but now... Now.. we are a nuclear catastrophe... Nothing's ever going to fucking change that... We broke... There's no putting humpty Dumpty back together agian. I'm torn and conflicted but I know what the right thing is... It's not staring into the abyss. I dont want to be alone forever... But I don't want to be fighting forever also. I can't do all or nothing anymore... Given that choice I will choose nothing.... At least knowing that I chose nothing mea

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. This is the same game it's always fucking been. The same mindgames... There's a just a new angle on it... Promise me the world but with strings attached.. the price is too high. I fought my war. I'm done with it. I'm revisiting emotions that should be dead and buried in the past that I should have fucking moved on from decades ago... But I'll always have one foot in that grave. I just can't deal with what going down that particular rabbit hole leads to. There's too much hurt and pain for everything else to just fade away and for things to be like they were.. things have changed. I'm done fucking fighting... I'm done feeling like this. I'm not persuing any of this anymore just to fight and fucking cry... I know it

My life has been on standby the last decade... Everything has been taken away and I'm left with fucking nothing. I finally find a little happiness and peace with myself and and those I love and that's being threatened too. I will always be there for my child no matter what, but I'm not ready to fight wars anymore. He only has a few moments left of his childhood. He deserves peace. We all do. I'm done my war. I'm done fighting. There's nothing left. Only love. If that's not enough, I've made peace with that... I'm not abandoning everything I have right now for the ghost of a chance that something might change... Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....  You've fooled me a lot more than that. I am nobodies sucker... Not anymore. I love him dearly... And you're offering everything I want... But read the last 15 years of this blog... One moment doesn't erase a lifetime of pain. (And it wasn't my lifetime... It was his.)

A DEFINITION NOT FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY Not leaving: an act of trust and love, often deciphered by children I haven't forgotten where i stand with the other important things in my life either. I have been hit by a double whammy of things to deal with right now and it's difficult to process everything. but i'm still here. I'm still trying to be the man I've always been. I'm still not backing down but I'm done fighting, It's not in his best interest. The best thing i can do is be there for him, the same place I've always been. just now it's without most of the anger. I've fought for far too long for any of that to matter. I just need to be there for him now, whatever that entails.. I'm trying. I'm very confused and it is a moment that i wasn't expecting at this point in my life, but i was always ready for. it's just whatever it is. All i can do is be the man and do the right thing as far as i perceive it, there's no

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. I know where my heart lies, and what the only Priority in my life right now is. it doesn't matter whats going on otherwise, I know where I should be and I'm frustrated that I'm not and it's difficult to get there, but i'm going anyways. i just need to figure out how. I am at peace and i am not going to lose that person that gives me that peace. i am finally happy and in love with someone unconditionally, and i want to keep that for as long as i can. i Don't need to fight for it but i need to be there, You means everything right now. You've been there for me in my darkest hours. It's time to return that favor. i will always be there no matter what. I love you. Current Mood: Sad. Current Music: Filter - Take a Picture Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it me

A warrior fears the battle he missed. More than any fight he can make his own, he fears the fight that’s gone, that ended without him, that no feat of arms can change. I may have stopped fighting but there are still battles to fight and I'm still not going to back down from anyone if there is the right reasons. i spent the last decade fighting a losing battle that very nearly destroyed me and is probably never going to be fucking over, but if it comes down to it. I will fight for him every day of my life till my dying day. you don't fuck with the people I love, especially Him.. if i have to suit up and go back to war, i'm fine with that, i'm damaged fucking goods anyways, I'll gladly fall and die on my cross for the right reasons. but i hope that if this leads to anything it is the right reason.I'm sick of fighting but i haven't forgotten how to be a warrior, I've just laid down my sword. but If i have to the anger and rage is still there, i can use it