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The War: Coda

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

This is the same game it's always fucking been. The same mindgames... There's a just a new angle on it... Promise me the world but with strings attached.. the price is too high. I fought my war. I'm done with it. I'm revisiting emotions that should be dead and buried in the past that I should have fucking moved on from decades ago... But I'll always have one foot in that grave. I just can't deal with what going down that particular rabbit hole leads to. There's too much hurt and pain for everything else to just fade away and for things to be like they were.. things have changed. I'm done fucking fighting... I'm done feeling like this. I'm not persuing any of this anymore just to fight and fucking cry... I know it will never lead anywhere.. it's just a bullshit hope spot that I should have fucking ignored from the first moment. I'm done crying.. I'm done being fucking emotional.This was just you twisting the knife one more final fucking time. You don't live in this reality and I have always fucking had to. If all we are going to do is tear strips off each other and destroy each other I am completely fucking done with it. I've fought my war... I've fought my battles. I lost. Accept it. I've had to. I'm nobodies hero... But I'm sick of fighting.. I'm sick of being broken. I can't fight anymore... I won't. I'll take my fragile mind and a broken peace over the alternative... I know where that leads... And it only leads to ruin.

I can fucking fade away to nothingness.. it's what I'm used to. You took all that away... So yeah... I'm done fighting tho. You win. You always win.

I know that I'm destined to be alone...anything I gain on my own will be destroyed because the past won't let go... So why fight it.. eventually I'll give in for a moment that won't last... And that's all it will ever be is a fleeting fucking moment... And then I will be alone agian. I'll always be alone.
I mourned our relationship for far to long to let one hope spot convince me the things will ever change between us. I have a life now. I have moved on. I'm not sure if moving forward or backwards is the right course of action. I'm not sure at all what the next step is. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm done with the battle.

This has all been an agenda to fuck with my emotions and ruin the good things I have on my fucking life.. and the relationships I have held onto. I'm fighting with freinds and family for a relationship that has been dead and buried for 15 fucking years... I don't want to fight with anyone... Least of all you. We are tied to each other till death. You have my son. But I'm sick of the war. I'm fucking sick of you trying to destroy me thru my emotions and the love I have for my child. You always have to win. It always has to be you're way or neither of us can fucking move on. Not anymore.

I'm done with my mind being manipulated and games being played. I'm sick of the fact my world has turned to shit. I know where it starts and ends and I've gotten to a point where I no longer fucking care. I can't be angry anymore for my own well being and peace has been bought at a very high fucking cost... But I'm sick of paying the fucking ferryman everytime I gotta cross that river... And I'm sick of being the god of war.... We are done.. thanks for the fucking nostalgia tour bit I'm fucking done... There is no looking back. There's no anger or hate either. But there is no fucking looking back either. Accept it and be gone out of my life.. keep things fucking status quo. It's what's best for us all. You're the mother of my child.. I don't want to hate you... But I don't want you in my life at the fucking price you're asking either... Because it will always be a mindfuck and a game. I'm not planning to go back to war. My peace came at too high a price. I don't need you and if these last few weeks have proved anything you do not need me... Not matter how much you claim. It's all mind games. Keep playing them. I fucking won't. At the end of the day it's not me you're fucking affecting. It never was.

I'm sick of false fucking hope. Because that's all it was to you. That's all it's ever going to fucking be. I've moved on. I was happy. You made me doubt all that because of something that is and always will be more important to me. We are fucking done.

My war is over. I'm done fighting.

Current Mood: Angry, Bitter, Depressed.

Only the dead have seen the end of war.

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