My life has been on standby the last decade... Everything has been taken away and I'm left with fucking nothing. I finally find a little happiness and peace with myself and and those I love and that's being threatened too. I will always be there for my child no matter what, but I'm not ready to fight wars anymore. He only has a few moments left of his childhood. He deserves peace. We all do.
I'm done my war. I'm done fighting. There's nothing left. Only love. If that's not enough, I've made peace with that... I'm not abandoning everything I have right now for the ghost of a chance that something might change... Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.... You've fooled me a lot more than that. I am nobodies sucker... Not anymore. I love him dearly... And you're offering everything I want... But read the last 15 years of this blog... One moment doesn't erase a lifetime of pain. (And it wasn't my lifetime... It was his.) I'm not ready to stare back into that abyss and say everything is alright. It will never be. This is just another betrayal.
He will know I fought for him... And I will tell him exactly why I didn't want to fight anymore. I've made peace with all of it. She won. All I want now is to be happy and have my little place in life. I have things in my life that are very valuable to me and the price she's asking is too high. Everything I ever wanted came years too fucking late. That carrot doesn't hold the same appeal... And it's a sadistic choice anyways... I won't make it. Ever.
I'll go on being at peace and hopefully at some point you and him can make peace with that... But I'm not abandoning everything I have for a hope of a moment I always should have had returning to me... The time for that moment has passed. I make my own moments now. You're not part of them.
My heart hurts everyday for what I've lost. But that's in the past.. it will always be in the past. I have someone else who is my heart now... I'm not going to lose that.... As much as I wish things were different this is he life we have chosen. I'm not abandoning what I have now to have false hope. What I have us real... We used to have it.. but we don't anymore.
It's why I walked away again... It's what I'm good at. It took all my energy and all of my soul to fight wars and even more to walk away. I'm done. I'm not spending the rest of my life at war. I just want to be happy. I can do that alone.
You should have named him Sue.
Current Mood: Sad, Confused.
Current Music: Metallica, The Unforgiven.
You know, the Lord's been a great comfort to me all these years. Try not to look so surprised. Yeah, I've got a lot to answer for when I meet Him, but I'd like to believe that for all the harm I've caused, I've also done some good. Maybe the angels need a sharp sword too.
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