I shouldn't love you... We are very dangerous together. But I will always love the both of you, that's something that never fucking change. That's why this hurts so fucking much. We aren't the same fucking people we were.. I wish to God we were, but we are not. Not even close... We were damaged goods before but now... Now.. we are a nuclear catastrophe... Nothing's ever going to fucking change that... We broke... There's no putting humpty Dumpty back together agian. I'm torn and conflicted but I know what the right thing is... It's not staring into the abyss. I dont want to be alone forever... But I don't want to be fighting forever also.
I can't do all or nothing anymore... Given that choice I will choose nothing.... At least knowing that I chose nothing means I won't lose anymore.
I just want my son. That's all I need anymore. But I can't have it snatched away after I get false hope. So I'll choose nothing and stay at status quo.
There's a million miles of bad road between us... I know this road leads to ruin... I choose the nothing. I know I'm going to lose so what's the fucking point of opening this door agian... It just leads to the fucking abyss... You don't get to come in and fuck up my life agian like this... I won't allow you too... Even tho it's twisting me up inside. I'd rather be fucking alone.
This was just a bullshit hope spot to make me think there was any chance of anything fixing in my shattered and broken life. It wasn't worth it. This is cruel and sadistic to think after all this shit we might still have a fucking chance. We don't. I have someone better in my life and maybe that's what I should be focusing on rather than thinking you an I ever had a ghost of a chance... We broke and shattered a long fucking time ago. There's no reason for either of us to be looking back. And why should we. We have our lives they obviously are not together and never will be. Why it was ever given any serious consideration is a fucking joke.
All I know is that I can't live without you and I can't live with you and there are multiple factors at play in my life... When the promise of everything I ever wanted is before me yet I have moved on and have a little bit of a happy life.. it's fucking confusion that I'm looking back for any fucking reason, save one. That one reason is the only reason over the years I'm still fucking standing however. I have to consider all the options. We need to heal... We were always broken, almost from the start of this. The fact that love and hate and pain are interwoven in our tapestry doesn't come as a surprise, in my life... It's a fucking given. I just wish my darkness hadn't passed into your life and his. I just have to move forward. I'm not playing with pipe dreams.. I'm focusing on reality, focusing on the nothing I no longer have... Try to figure out what I have left in my life that matters.. I feel torn into a million pieces over the right decisions... And I know regardless everyone I will ever make will be fucking wrong...
I'm used to making the decision and doing things the hard way... Starting to think and realize some of my life choices over the years probaly weren't in anyone's best interest... I needed to be there in a fucking moment that I wasn't, and it is a huge fucking regret. I'm not looking back anymore... But I no longer know exactly what the path forward is...
All I know is that once upon a time we broke and it's affected 3 lives that were changed and we are far more broken now than I ever expected. I don't know how to fix this or even if I can. I doubt myself on doing the right thing. My first instinct is to run as far away from you and responsibilities as I possibly can, but the emotional connection within my black fucking heart will never make that an actual possibility. As long as I draw breath, as long as I'm not ashes or dust in the ground, you will always be a part of my fucking life... I've accepted that fact, long long ago... I never expected the choices and the moment presented to me at this exact moment... I always thought it might be a fucking possibility. But I had thought that the pain and anger had rendered that possibility an impossibility. I'm no longer angry and while the pain will always remain it's numbed and I can deal with it now. I am at peace with what came... All these moments in our life.. all these broken and shattered moments should have been shared together.. but they didn't. We moved on. We are diffrent people but somehow still the fucking same at our cores. I know that now.
Sometimes you have to face the absolute darkness and rock bottom to realize the truth of your existence, whose going to be there at the end. I never expected you to be there now... But I do know that regardless, the two of you will be the ones to mourn me, that little boy is the reason I am still alive at this very moment... There is no question about that... All the things I am, all the things he has to deal with in his life. I would never have burdened him with knowing hia father is a suicide, I'm stronger than that, we both are... But I have stared into that fucking abyss far too many times... I just want for you and him to be happy, I'm trying to find it for myself... I am sorry that we are broken, I am sorry it's likely the way that we will forever remain... But if there's a way I can help, I'd like for us to heal.
You come back into my life and all these bullshit emotions bubble to the surface and you give me false fucking hope. I may care about you and him but the cost is insanely high and I'm not the man I was before. I'm searching for fucking happiness. All I've ever fucking known with you is goddamn misery. I'm done with it. I'm done with you. I'll find myself. That's the only fucking person I ever needed anyhow.
You don't get or have the fucking right to make me feel this way anymore. I refuse to let you affect me like this. I've wasted enough fucking time both loving you and hating you. It's time for my cold black heart to accept with you it's always going to be a game and your always going to let my emotions for him and you affect my judgement. Not anymore. If it means my fragile peace in my mind isn't affected I'll cut you loose. Just like every other time. It's not like I'm fucking important to you anyways, I'm only that child's father. That's all I have left to fucking define me... And every time you pull this shit you cut me like a fucking wound and I bleed. I'm done crying over you. I'm done feeling anything for you. You're done affecting me like this.
Forever.
Current Mood: Sad.
You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness, and I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
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