Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected. Just because I'm not at war with you anymore doesn't mean I'm at peace with you either. I needed to step back for my own mental health. But you're actions this year and lack of any on his birthday and this holiday have proven exactly who and what you are. I don't want to fight you or hate you anymore.. but I simply don't want you in my life for any longer than I have to acknowledge you in it. As for asking me to stay, that's a goddamn fucking joke.. I'm not going to stay here and be miserable when there are a million other options our there.. just because it's what you want.. me staying close... Nope, not going to happen. I don't need to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't forget one day of my life exactly how you betray me, and the fact that for his birthday and Christmas day I had a glimmer of fucking hope in regards to seeing him... That's just

Evil is just a word. Under the skin, it's simple pain. Things are too connected to make sense right now. And there are things that don't make sense and are confusing but if you can connect the dots... It leads down the spiral... Everything repeats. I am stuck in the same motion I have always been over the years. I am standing fucking still. Waiting for the next big change or everything to turn back to black. Inevitably I expect the worst. The fact is I don't know the next fucking step. I'm trying to roll with the punches fate has provided. But it gets more and more difficult to take the fucking hits. I just know that what I have and what I want are two entirely different fucking things. I live by my wits...and I have nothing... But the sad fact is my nothing is always going to be better than you're everything because I am happy and I have enough to survive. You have only one thing in my life I want. Otherwise I have everything I need. I know at the current fu

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. I am happy, I have made my choice, the only one I was ever going to make. It was fucking inevitable that I was gonna choose the one with less drama and the one who truly loves me as i am and isn't going to force me to change based on some nostalgia and needs... I Don't need anything in this life except someone who cares and appreciates me deeply. i would rather have a moment of happiness, than spend an eternity being miserable. I don't look back much and when i do I am always reminded how miserable i was.. I don't have the same emotions when I'm with her, and the fact that this relationship has been years in the making because for a long time there was something that is and was something more important is

We all have our secrets. We just didn't get to yours yet. My life hasn't been what you think it has. We all have our struggles. The last couple weeks have been hell on earth. First I almost lose someone that I care very deeply for that has always been there. Then a door that been slammed shut for decades opens and promises me the fucking world. It's a lot to take in and deal with all at the same fucking time. I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell know where I've been. I'm bent and broken and all I want to do is run away from it all. I'm having trouble deciding the next step. But I know I'm no longer looking backward for any fucking reason. Least of all you. It's pain... That's all it is. Too much pain.too much us happening and I can't deal with it all. Old pain and new pain. I know what my future is.. I know who I'm in love with. I know who I want to be with.. all these other emotions are just pain... They will fade.. it&

Happy 16th birthday son... i wish i was there enjoying you're birthday dinner with you, maybe if things had been different. I tried this year i really did. You're gifts like every other year are here and have been added to obviously. I miss and love you and i wish that things had made sense and i could have seen you this year.. i'll never keep trying for that, even if it means sacrificing everything. You are always the most important thing in my life. never forget that.. i won't. I hope you have a happy birthday and maybe somehow I will see you soon. I Still Miss you, I always will. Dad's here.. I always will be. I'll never be too far away from you, No matter what it costs. Current Mood: Sad.

Do not concern yourself with what I have done; rather tremble at the thought of what I am about to do. I need to run. That's my best option. Get as far as I can away. Windsor is probaly my best choice but there are other options. I want to go and be happy. That's not going to happen as long as I am close proximity. As long as I am close I will always be broken and never fully healed. I don't want to give up my things and my life but there's not much life left inside of me to have... I gotta protect the little that is left and find happiness. I can't be miserable forever and as long as I stay in this moment of time anything I do is just a fucking distraction. I need to do what I've always been good at and walk away. I've never had a home... It's a joke to think this broke ass city that even my childhood home has been demolished in will ever be home. I left for fifteen years and it's only some twisted sense of honour and duty that keeps me here. I

If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present. I was dead for a year and a half. Why the hell should my actions now matter at all to you? Why does anything matter... This all started when you cheated on me.. how many times can you forgive someone for all the shit they have done until that act of forgiveness becomes in itself meaningless... I nearly abandoned a great relationship years in the making.. for what? A fucking pipe dream motivated by jealousy and petty vindictivenes, hell even when I'm alone and without someone I'm a lot less lonely than I am with you in my life.. it's always going to be a game between us... I might be done with the anger, but I'm also done playing the game on anything but my terms and that will always be the seperating factor to all of us... I let you win so we could have peace of mind... But we still need to heal. That will never happen, I don't think. I'm not