Just because I'm not at war with you anymore doesn't mean I'm at peace with you either. I needed to step back for my own mental health. But you're actions this year and lack of any on his birthday and this holiday have proven exactly who and what you are. I don't want to fight you or hate you anymore.. but I simply don't want you in my life for any longer than I have to acknowledge you in it. As for asking me to stay, that's a goddamn fucking joke.. I'm not going to stay here and be miserable when there are a million other options our there.. just because it's what you want.. me staying close... Nope, not going to happen. I don't need to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't forget one day of my life exactly how you betray me, and the fact that for his birthday and Christmas day I had a glimmer of fucking hope in regards to seeing him... That's just you twisting the knife one more time. I may have stopped fighting.. but I haven't forgotten, nor forgiven.
The fact is I don't need you, or anyone but the ones that choose to be with me to have a good fucking time on the holidays. I do epic shit with or without the people in my life... It's just more fun when I have someone to share it with. That person will never ever fucking be you agian. If it's not clear yet.. it should be. You've been fucking replaced... A long time ago. I don't need a partner to define me, that's the difference between us. The fact I have one and she makes me happy that's everything in the world to me.
I chose to have Christmas plans with the person who has had my back for the longest time.. thru all the shit and misery.. it felt good buying him Christmas dinner and spending the day with him. I wouldnt have spent it anywhere else without him unless I was with my son actually.
I had a good Christmas and the only thing that sucked was I got my hopes up about a call or an invite to go see him... The whole game in November I see now for exactly what the fuck it was.... A mind game.. same as always.. I got answers... I got a lot off my chest.. but not enough... But until he's back in life it will never be enough.. and I've come to expect disappointment when dealing with you. It's expected. But for once in my life I have something and someone who is mine and I won't give that up to play your little nostalgic trip because you're looking back on you're life and something is missing... That something is me... But I have moved past...
...and when I look back at my life, I lived, I had adventures, I enjoyed myself. I never had anything in my life I was missing... Save one thing.. and that's my child. Ive never needed to miss anyone because I always expected them to eventually fade away, freinds, family, loved and trusted ones... It's the story of my life. I define me for me. That's it. No one else. Merry xmas.
The fact of the matter is.. and always will be, I am a fucking afterthought to you... I always will be. I'm not important to you so why the hell should you be important to me.. You're just fucking jealous that I have found someone better than you that is superior to you in every way and you want to ruin my happiness instead of just leaving me the fuck alone... I've moved on you need to do the fucking same... Stop using him like a pawn every time you make contact as well. I'm done with this. I spent this Christmas waiting for you're false promises... It wasn't done for you. It was done for him, there's a reason there are gifts here and there's a reason I left my plans blank... It had nothing to do with you and it never will... You are part of my back pages in a book that burned a long time ago... I'm writing a new story now, you're not in it.
The thing that hurts the fucking most is that it's not about you and I, it's about the grandparents that are the only ones he has left... And you're anger and pride hasn't allowed him to have a relationship with them, you talk a big game about family... But that's not really it.. it's just about what the fuck you want and when you want it. If you really wanted us to be a family you'd realize what the two of you had lost and what I'm losing and there is a limited time frame on that. but it's not important to you, meanwhile it's everything to me... So.. I will continue on without him until I have to make contact...
Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Running with the Devil, Van Halen
Now I'm an old Christmas tree, the roots of which have died. They just come along and while the little needles fall off me replace them with medallions.
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