I was dead for a year and a half. Why the hell should my actions now matter at all to you? Why does anything matter... This all started when you cheated on me.. how many times can you forgive someone for all the shit they have done until that act of forgiveness becomes in itself meaningless... I nearly abandoned a great relationship years in the making.. for what? A fucking pipe dream motivated by jealousy and petty vindictivenes, hell even when I'm alone and without someone I'm a lot less lonely than I am with you in my life.. it's always going to be a game between us... I might be done with the anger, but I'm also done playing the game on anything but my terms and that will always be the seperating factor to all of us... I let you win so we could have peace of mind... But we still need to heal. That will never happen, I don't think. I'm not going to allow myself to be fooled by false hopes on an age long past, a time we didn't get right in the first fucking place. I'll do what I've always done. Move on, find my place in the world and never ever fucking look back agian.
I don't know where my future is going.. and I have no idea my next step but I am done with having one foot in the grave of my past life... I am moving forward and being happy... Alone or otherwise...that's the fucking person I choose to be. You had you're chance. You fucking blew it 2 decades ago.. nostalgia only works for one of us. You can only destroy a person so many times before everything inside dies... And I've been dead for a very long time... There is no coming back from my brand of oblivion. You're the one who put me here. I do not and will not ever forget or forgive that point. I'm merely moving the fuck on with my life with things I can neither forget, forgive or involve myself with at this point in my life... I made peace by burying hate and anger for you because all it ever brought me was fucking pain... The battle brought more heartache than anything else, I'm fucking done with it... I'm done with a lot of things.... I just want you to understand none of it was ever fucking done for you... Never for you.
You took my son away for almost a fucking decade, there is no way we can ever fucking reconcile that fact away and forget about it, whatever excuse you may have for that is fucking bullshit... But as long as that stands in the way... There will always be issues. This is and was always about seeing my son... That hasn't fucking changed. It never will. But I'm not about to do it on your terms anymore... It doesn't make sense and I'll end up with nothing anyways.
I don't have any expectations for my future... Most of them were taking away years ago.. but I do have some happiness in my life now.. and I will fucking fight for that. Every damn day of my life. I'm not going to let pipe dreams and someone else's pathetic wants and desires affect that because we both know how disposable I am to you. I'd rather be fucking me and live my life and enjoy it with my family and friends and those that I know truly love me without all the fucking drama and complications.
I've stopped caring about all those with a fucking agenda... I'm letting the chips fall where they fucking lie for the rest of my fucking life.. I have good freinds and good fucking adventures and I have positive things to do and keep moving on with... No one.. and I mean no one is ever going to fucking drag me down. I don't care who you are or what you think you think you once meant to me.. I've moved on.. I don't forget that you took my future away a long time ago.. but I still have to survive and endure.. I'll eventually find a new one.. but right now I'm happy living day to day with those I have in my life with no fucking illusions. That's who I am now.. that's who I'll fucking be.
Current Mood: Refocused.
Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.
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