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Holding Pattern.

Evil is just a word. Under the skin, it's simple pain.

Things are too connected to make sense right now. And there are things that don't make sense and are confusing but if you can connect the dots... It leads down the spiral... Everything repeats. I am stuck in the same motion I have always been over the years. I am standing fucking still. Waiting for the next big change or everything to turn back to black. Inevitably I expect the worst. The fact is I don't know the next fucking step. I'm trying to roll with the punches fate has provided. But it gets more and more difficult to take the fucking hits. I just know that what I have and what I want are two entirely different fucking things.

I live by my wits...and I have nothing... But the sad fact is my nothing is always going to be better than you're everything because I am happy and I have enough to survive. You have only one thing in my life I want. Otherwise I have everything I need.

I know at the current fucking moment I am merely waiting for the next phase of my life and my heart and mind are pulling me in so many directions while I'm simply sitting at status quo. I need a change.... I know what I'd like that change to be.. but I also know that it might take some fucking time. I don't fucking know where things are going but I know whatever I fucking do. I do not fucking plan on looking backwards. And I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm sad and angry about how my life has turned out and I'm not sure the next option. But I know that anything is better than staying in my current moment just waiting for something else to happen.

I do know one thing... other than a minor fucking wrinkle that has appeared recently and disappeared just as fast.. I don't give a fuck about this holiday and any false hope is just fucking that. I'm going to go thru with my normal routine and not give a shit about the world and about any changes until one actually happens... I may not be fucking happy, but I'm not completely miserable right now and i have a pretty good fucking go of it right now. there are and always will be gifts here if anything changes.. but I'm not bothering to get my hopes up... not anymore, I'm not gonna live on False Hope when the price is too fucking high.

Current Mood: Sad, Bitter, Cold.

He's the most dangerous man alive. Not so much because he believes in his actions, but because he believes his actions are all which life allows him.

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