Skip to main content

Hell on Earth

We all have our secrets. We just didn't get to yours yet.

My life hasn't been what you think it has. We all have our struggles.

The last couple weeks have been hell on earth. First I almost lose someone that I care very deeply for that has always been there. Then a door that been slammed shut for decades opens and promises me the fucking world. It's a lot to take in and deal with all at the same fucking time. I don't know where I'm going. I sure as hell know where I've been. I'm bent and broken and all I want to do is run away from it all. I'm having trouble deciding the next step. But I know I'm no longer looking backward for any fucking reason. Least of all you.

It's pain... That's all it is. Too much pain.too much us happening and I can't deal with it all. Old pain and new pain. I know what my future is.. I know who I'm in love with. I know who I want to be with.. all these other emotions are just pain... They will fade.. it's just another old wound  being sliced open again. Manipulation.

My mind goes to dark places and I wonder about the people I care about and love... And sometimes it's hell not knowing. I know all this will pass and it's just a fucking reminder of what I've lost... And just another way to twist the fucking knife... I just wish this manipulation wasn't hurting me so fucking bad.

I thought I was done crying and being upset over all this. I thought my thick skin and quick mind would help me move past it. It's not working. You come back into my life and all this twisted and conflicted emotions bubble up to the forefront. I'm broken. I know that but right when I put myself back together, you bring everything back to the fucking forefront. I'm not having an easy time dealing with it all.

It is making my vision clearer however about who is important in my life who is just a fucking fair weather friend. I don't need people like that in my life anymore, I'm selectively seeing a lot of the fucking poisons in my life and slowly distancing myself from them, I'd rather be alone than not know who to trust when i actually need something.

Current Mood: Pissed Off

Did you ever wonder how much more good we could do if we stopped worrying about who might get hurt in the process?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me.  I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period. 
Post a Comment
Read more

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind.  I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine.  I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy.  I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...
Post a Comment
Read more