Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Part of the hardest thing of loving someone who also has the same ptsd mental health issues that I have is that while we always be the constant for each other, and we have shared some of the same battles and a lot of the same fucking pain... it's that we always will remain damaged and bad for each other... a simple match flame, the wrong word and we are back in the war agian. I understood this... I know why both of us are damaged and broken.... it's why I chose to walk away. You brought me back that was you're choice... I was at peace... then I found the part of me inside that loved and trusted you once... now all that remains of that moment is Anger and mistrust... some of that is deliberate and some of that is self defensive mechanisms we have taught each other... some of those mechanisms are self destruct mechanisms, we are better together against the world but we have gotten so old and so bitter that we feel that it's better to be alone without each other... I wish

I spent the last year living in the past. Hoping for an absolution that will never ever fucking come. That's all I ever expected. Another fucking betrayal. You will always be the unfulfilled promise of my life. You will always manipulate me so that there isn't anyone in my life except You. But you don't want me. You just want me as a back up plan when everything else fails. I've had enough of that for one lifetime. I'd rather be alone. I still have goals I still have things I need to fucking do. You're not completely part of that. A year ago I completed the part of me that I felt I had owed you, and you shit on it. I'm done. It's going to be locked away before I destroy it, because I know one day you will set me off to be that angry.  Everything I touch I destroy, why the hell should I have thought you would be any fucking different, in you're own own words you said I was a twisted fucking reflection of you, you were right in that poem, I am a reflec

Twenty years ago I wrote you a note saying not to follow me, that I was bad for you, even tho I loved you... I knew that you were better off without me... all I ever fucking wanted was for you to have a happy and fulfilling life...  I should have walked away then, and been at peace... but the truth is neither of us were... we still aren't. No matter how much we act or pretend otherwise. We are damaged babe... and I don't know how to fix us, not anymore. I'm still angry, you're still bitter and we will carry on our lives without each other for the moment... that's what we do. We wont acknowledge each other unless something major happens and even then it's thru gritted teeth. I'm done waiting for you otherwise tho. The time for that is done.

You don't need me, you never did. It's fucking time I learned to live with that. I am fine with my life choices right now. I found peace in my world a long time ago and I almost wonder if you're only reason for involving you're self in my life at this point is to disrupt that peace and attempt to control me. That's not going to fucking happen. First I like being chaotic, two my choices good or fucking bad are always going to remain my own. I don't let anyone control me and I don't back down from anyone. 22 years almost you've known this. I won't come over to you, you have to come to me and you're recent actions probably make that clear that it's not going to happen any time, you want me angry, you want me jealous... in my estimation. You don't exist to me right now...    you ask why I never fought for you? Because you make it easy to walk the fuck away and forget you exist. You've constantly done it to me so why wouldn't I do the

  I changed the dynamic. It’s something that you fear, because with me you’re not in control. I am unpredictable. I always have been and you cannot control that, Nor will I ever let you. That’s why we will always be right the fuck where we are.  

  I am angry. That’s who I am. I am an angry reactive motherfucker who hates the world. It doesn’t go away. And when I do things for me and the ones I care for and it turns to shit, I am even more angry. Sometimes it’s internal, and sometimes it’s the entire fucking world being unfair. I shouldn’t have to resort to just survival and I should be able to trust things in my own home. The reality is that’s no longer the reality of the fucking world. You can’t trust anyone anymore. If they can fuck you they will, and some people will just do it because their own selfish needs are more important than any of you’re own.  I’m not 100% what happened and there are too many xfactors but I know this is just another situation where I end up losing, I’m sick of sacrificing to do the right thing and it’s not being recognized and now I am in a situation where I have lost a lot of belongings and the money from and I have nothing to show once agian. Given my life, I think it’s fair to say being reaction

My life fell apart years ago, and everything that is the pillars of my life is slowly slipping away, it's not lost on me the mistakes I have made in my life and that I can't control something as simple as managing my credit cards so they can't get fucking stolen or lost, I'm just lucky i didn't lose a lot fucking more. I have made bad choices and I could have done things better and tried to be better than I am. I am trying to now, I just feel it's too fucking late. I will end up alone with nothing no matter how I try to improve my life and standing in the world. Anything of value in my life will always be taken from me and I will always remain the last one standing... that's my curse. I'm always going to be here, because I know how to survive the world crumbling, I just internalize it, I weaponize it and use my anger in productive ways to try and fix the situation. Other emotions that I can't control it's not as easy, especially when I'm long

No one controls me, no one ever has no one ever will. I am the X factor and I am out of control. I have a good life and a bad life based on my decisions and my decisions alone. The only thing you affect is the decisions you made to exclude me from you're life. I'm no longer waiting but I'll always be here. I'm not you're puppet, i am no one's marionette. Not even yours. I look back and reflect on everything on my life, and the people that I refuse to look back on for the slights they may have inflicted. Some cuts go deep. If you truly knew me and understood me, you'd know why I eventually stopped fighting. It wasn't because I loved you or that I hated you, it wasn't that I loved him more even. Even tho I still do. He's innocent, you have earned all the mental scars I've inflicted, and I have my share of the same you have given me. No regrets. We tore skin from each other. But there had to be a time for the war to end. We were being manipulate