Harvester of Sorrow

I am angry. That’s who I am. I am an angry reactive motherfucker who hates the world. It doesn’t go away. And when I do things for me and the ones I care for and it turns to shit, I am even more angry. Sometimes it’s internal, and sometimes it’s the entire fucking world being unfair. I shouldn’t have to resort to just survival and I should be able to trust things in my own home. The reality is that’s no longer the reality of the fucking world. You can’t trust anyone anymore. If they can fuck you they will, and some people will just do it because their own selfish needs are more important than any of you’re own.

I’m not 100% what happened and there are too many xfactors but I know this is just another situation where I end up losing, I’m sick of sacrificing to do the right thing and it’s not being recognized and now I am in a situation where I have lost a lot of belongings and the money from and I have nothing to show once agian. Given my life, I think it’s fair to say being reactionary and angry is justified. The fact that at least one person who should recognize the weight of the situation is being selfish and frustrating me more shows me that at the end of the day, all my sacrifices are fucking meaningless. Everything I do in this life is meaningless. I’ll end up alone with nothing. That’s my path. That’s always going to be my path. I am nothing of value and I am not allowed to have anything of value in my life.

This entire fucking ball of dirt is a prison to me, and every time something happens reminds me that all I am at the end of the day is nothing, and that I have nothing. Because anytime I try to do the right thing or save or have nice things they turn to fucking shit.

It’s not recognized anyways by the person that matters most. Nothing is. It shows the true colours. The one moment I would have needed you in my life, crickets. Fuck off.

Welcome to the wreckage that is my life.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog