Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I haven't been with anyone in two years. I made a commitment to you when I bought the ring. I'm honouring that decision. No other women, not even talking about it. I'm going to wait until I have a final answer for you on it.     You are that important... you are the only one I want in my life. The only one I've wanted for a very long time. Our years were the best years of my life. I'm going to stay single, I don't care if it takes 5 years or 50 years... you are the only one I want. I need you to know that. I made a commitment I'm trying to get you to understand that. I only want you. I love you. You don't buy a ring for the one you love and chase other women or even talk about the possibility... I understand that. You have my attention completely. I'm not looking elsewhere. I'm sorry I made you mad at me. I love you. All I ever wanted was just you're love, no one else's.  I'll be always be here. I just want you happy, but I think you&

My love for you May be unconditional but you're presence in my life is not. I have no problem living my life without you and him, that was you're decision in 2005. And that was you're decision in 2011, eleven years ago. While for some strange reason you want me in orbit now, I'm starting to understand you're all or nothing approach... that's not feasible unless you're willing to do the same for me, you know what's waiting. I might stay single because all I want is you, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing that. I have spent eighteen years in the wilderness without you, and while I do fucking think that we would we be happiest together. And I've made a chess move to affect that, you are still scared and/or clearly not ready so maybe I'll be patient and wait until you decide that you are ready. But I know there is an element of abuse in you're treatment and behaviour of me and that won't be tolerated.  You can't

It's not just you that I have a problem trusting or getting along with in my life. I tend to walk away from a lot a people in my life due to my abandonment issues and trust issues. The only difference is that I know that you will be there in some fashion at the end whether I like it or not, and I think certain other people that should be there or should be here now and aren't will be nothing more than forgotten memories to me and you.  I don't have a lot of patience for people and I do know the havoc that was wrought by certain influences and decisions back in our relationship. Not all that you have forgiven me for. Maybe one day. I know it's still a huge hurt for you to heal from. I never should have made the choice to leave niagara either time, you won't admit it to me but you liked it when I was close... it gave you security, something lacking in your life and I made a lot of the wrong decisions when I should have done differently. Foolish pride on my part, I fig

You always end up telling me the truth regardless, so I wonder why you play smoke and mirrors and play weird games,    if you want me in you're life let me be in you're life, not this dramatic and confusing bullshit. We are too old and we have seen and done too much for it to be what it is right now... but I think you enjoy the chaotic atmosphere that you create in our relationship. Because at the end of the day I'm still standing here wanting you, the same day I did the day we met... I don't know if you can live with that. I am going to live my life awesomely with or without you, but without you there is something empty in it. That's a hole that's never going to fill. 

I don't like the darkness that lingers in both of our lives. I honestly that there is a light between us but things external to the both of us keep getting darker and you're getting harder to reach, I know my own shitty moods and negativity affect that as well... I just don't want to get frustrated this time and say fuck it and walk away again, I'm stronger than that... but it is always a temptation.  As I've said to you before with you in my life, I only move sideways, other than having my heart back nothing really changes in circumstances for me, but I know you're entire universe changes and that scares you... what scares me is the fact thugs keep getting darker and the dark side of me is the constant and the only light? The fact I'm the least worst option and I have been for years... I wanted better things for you and my son even if they weren't with me. I don't like these awkward silences between us because it usually means you are giving me yet

You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours. You keep placing challenges in my hands and I keep surpassing you're expectations. I'm good at you're tests. You gotta quit trying to make me fail. I don't know how to do that. I never fucking have. Not since day one. I would never have let us suffer even if it meant I suffered myself... but rose coloured glasses in you're fairytale world view say otherwise.... but the nostalgia filter isn't there for me.... I'm just trying to get back to the heart I once lost... because that's you, you're what I need. I'll attempt every test and every task you request of me until I fall. I haven't fallen yet. I don't need you in my life. I want you in my life. That is the diffe

Why you go for these guys that disrespect you and are no better than I am financially Frustrates me. I am miles and universes better than them and you fucking know it. I have lived in your world and I can handle it. And you like the fact that the worlds I live in you can understand. But when you tell me that you're with some asshole that doesn't respect you and meanwhile I am willing to sacrifice everything for you... it breaks me babe... it breaks me hard. Because I am trying... ...you don't want to know the day I stop trying. The sad fact is there is a moment coming where I will take a step back and walk away... because the pain is too great to pretend that one day this broken shared shattered heart will ever mend. I think it's just trauma and damage from both of us and not maliciousness but I do think that one day I will just break and there will be nothing left, even to give to you.  The fact I feel now the exact same way I did when you first left in 05, is not heal

You walked out of my life, not the other way around even tho you're revisionist history in you're mind tells you otherwise. I'm always going to here for you and suffer but I'm not stupid and I can tell when I'm being avoided or fucking lied to. You have nothing to offer me and it's becoming very clearly that's it's no longer going to be a situation where the other one of us wants the other in their life.... for various reasons it's going to turn into you needing me in you're life... and I've known that day is coming for a very long time. That saddest fact? I never needed you, I only wanted you. I'll go to my grave without you if it means I have to. That's stubborn pride and anger talking but I will never put myself in a situation where I'm going to need you the way I see you needing me in the near future... and I'm the poor unemployed junior partner.

It's not the way either of us planned but you are my wife, and I worry about you when I think you're hurting. It's selfish pride and the fact I think I might make things worse that prevents me from reaching out even tho I want to. You asked me once why I don't fight for for you? I made a mistake but it's not my nature to complicate you're life and I don't know the right moment just to randomly speak to you. There always has to be a reason even tho you and my son are my reason for living and always will be. I merely exist without you. There is nothing important in my life without you. I wait for you because that's what I'm used to and you are better for me than anyone else in this life. I don't mind waiting a bit longer but you need to decide what's best for you, and what makes u happiest, I think it's me. And I don't think you ever really discount that option, the problem is I changed the rules and it will be forever if it happens. Cu

I am waiting... you know what's waiting. But I can't come over to you... I'll just try as damn hard as I can. Hopefully one day it will work but we have to be at that one moment where we need each other. We will be together one day... it's the long road, I'm constantly reminded of that fact. I can deal with it. It's been long enough.  I am lonely and missing you a lot, but I am also stubborn and proud. I'm not going to reach out first. That has never been our way... it's not going to change just because I feel you're energy pulling on me right now... it has to be right for you, so I'll have patience, I'll wait. I have hurted for you for years. I can wait a few more moments.

I am happy, I have my friends and my adventures. I don't have anything in my life that I'm missing right now. Anyone that would be added to my life would be a blessing right now. I'm in a really Good place with myself and finally at peace with everything that has happened in my life. So I am figuring out the rest as we go along.... There are only two things in my life I need that I am missing and maybe that will come in time... I'll Let things play out.