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Too Old For This Shit...


I don't like the darkness that lingers in both of our lives. I honestly that there is a light between us but things external to the both of us keep getting darker and you're getting harder to reach, I know my own shitty moods and negativity affect that as well... I just don't want to get frustrated this time and say fuck it and walk away again, I'm stronger than that... but it is always a temptation. 


As I've said to you before with you in my life, I only move sideways, other than having my heart back nothing really changes in circumstances for me, but I know you're entire universe changes and that scares you... what scares me is the fact thugs keep getting darker and the dark side of me is the constant and the only light? The fact I'm the least worst option and I have been for years... I wanted better things for you and my son even if they weren't with me.


I don't like these awkward silences between us because it usually means you are giving me yet another reason not to trust or believe anything you say, and we are getting too old for this shit...we aren't children anymore, even though this boy that has become a man still loves you, he's also smart enough to know when to walk away for his own mental health.... 


...maybe one day when you're ready things might change but I'm starting to lose hope, and when hope is gone all that is left is temper and rage, and those things eventually lead right back to hate. I'd rather just cut ties and walk away than hate you again. I don't need to ever be that angry again and I don't want to be the person I was when I hated you.


I'd rather live you from afar and silently than be in you're life worrying about things I can't control and this hot and cold emotional roller coaster shit.


You always draw me in and you always push me away. It doesn't matter how much I fight for you or fight with you. 


I just exist when you're not in my life and you know it. That's not what I want in my life anymore.


I am hurting and it's not just you that is the drama and responsibility in my life, but you don't seem to understand that every time you come back you complicate my life in ways you do not even understand. Yet I still try my best to change things for the better when my natural instinct is just to bail and start over and not give a shit...


You have no idea how much I'm trying not to do that with everyone right now, not just you.


You're reality is just not mine and it's catching up to you, I'll always be there to catch you when you fall but it's frustrating that I always have to with no rewards.


I think that you want me in you're life but on the outskirts so there is always a fallback plan, I'm not

Ok with that. I love you every day. But I love myself more, I'm not falling into you're mental health trap of how much you are trying to break me... I'll just take a fucking step back and walk away... I know when I'm not wanted.


One day I will give up and the love and passion will fade.


I think on that day when I have nothing for you, you will regret it.

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