Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I let things happen in my life. I have no expectations or wants anymore. But things happen that are huge fucking memories because I am a good person and I try to treat those I love with respect and they do the same for me. There was only one person missing yesterday and I know he would have loved to watch Yankees and baseball history with me. Things like that only happen once in a century. I’m comfortable with my place in life, and I’m happy that my freind and my family were at that game to see baseball history happen in front of our eyes. The only thing missing was the one part of my family I’m always missing. The fact that Joshua is a Yankees fan too is another twist of the knife. But that’s how things are right now. Maybe one day they will change. But right now I’m living my life and enjoying the things I have and the things I do. That’s all that is important. I deal with my current responsibilities, try to attempt to deal with my past responsibilities and just live my life and be a

  I am fucking legendary. Me and my family and friends do amazing things and sometimes I just luck into right place right time for things because I am oblivious. But I have made a choice to live the life I am living and enjoying myself free of other peoples drama.  Things like this don’t happen every night. But they happened tonight. I was there. I have one of my best friends to thank for that.

  The fact that I am reminded this time of year of exactly why you came back into my life, and why for a moment, I was happy... has nothing to do with you. I wasn’t on the wine tour In you’re back yard with you. It was probably to good to be true and it did burn bright and it burned out, but at one point that girl loved me for me and I loved being with her. There wasn’t drama. I am not looking back but I was enjoying my life then the same way I am now. I look back on those memories happily and I am sorry I ever hurt her. I cannot say the same about our memories.  I’m better off alone, I understand that. And if I ever chose to settle Down, she would have been the much better choice. But neither of us was really ready. But just because I miss her it doesn’t Mean I’d ever look back. I looked back only once for you, and it lead my life to ruin. It’s still leading my life to ruin. But that’s one of my strengths as well. I know I don’t need a woman in my life to be happy. I don’t need anyone

'Bob...' 'But my name's Billy...' I will always be more interesting than you. I have better friends, more supportive freinds and family, I have everything I need in my life and I’m happy and at peace with everything around me. I get to do things and have epic adventures. And there is always a fucking story. This weekend I got to shake hands with an Olympic gold medalist and he agreed that he would have went to the chili peppers concert I went to over meeting him back in August too. That was pretty cool. Being able to crack a joke on one of my idols from late 90s wrestling was pretty cool as well. Hope I didn’t offend you too much Bob Gunn. I can do things. The fact I can do these things is a freedom I never had for years because I was chasing things I was never going to have and fighting battles I was always going to lose. I still had adventures then but some of it was survival and it was a different kind of animal. Now it’s about having fun rather than living day t

I’m happy with my place in this life. It’s taken a long time to get to this point. But I know my value and I know whose there and who has my back and who respects me. Anyone else I don’t give two fucks about. I’m gonna keep on the right path and do the things I’ve been doing. This is my life and I only get one. I’m going to live it. I don’t look back. Not in regret anyways. I just keep moving forward. There’s no where else to be.

You’re not the only one with a life. I am going to hang around and acknowledge the ones that love me and care about me and do legendary and interesting things. I’m not going to wait on a lifetime of what ifs. I have plans and I have things I want to do by 50. It’s time to start doing them instead of letting you be a distraction. I don’t have time for you’re what if bullshit. You are a great part of my life but you are not the only part of my life. The sooner I focus on what’s important now the better my mental health will be in the long term. When and if you’re ready, maybe I’ll be available.  Maybe like 3 years ago I won’t be. I’m not making choices waiting on you anymore. Not that I ever did. I do things for me, always. It’s an all or nothing situation for me too. You’re either in my life or you aren’t. Not just in orbit. I’ll focus on the ones that are in my life for now. I’m not mad, I’m not angry. I’m just at peace. I’m frustrated you can’t find the same and I am worried about som

  You and you’re actions have made you’re decision for you. I waited a year since my last birthday for you and was honest and true. I don’t think I’m going to wait anymore. I’m going to find someone else just like you constantly do and move on. You’re ring might be here and waiting but I don’t know if I’m going to be. That’s where things stand right now. You’re actions on my birthday and our anniversary determined this. A man might love you and be willing to be very fucking patient but there comes a time when all of that has to end. I am at the end of my rope and I need to see some light at the end of the road. I thought it was you. I thought wrong.  I want to have fun and be with my friends. Not be tied to an albatross twenty two years old that doesn’t want me as much as I want her. I know my value. I am better than that. It’s time for me to focus on that. Not a moment we had 22 years ago. I needed you and you were never there. You chose others not me. I get the point. I’m unwanted. I

If you had waited one more moment you would have had you’re ring in 2001, every moment since that has been a fucking fight. It’s still here and it’s still waiting but I am feeling like it will be a long time before you are ever ready. As much as I feel that you might be the one, even still after all we have been thru together and alone. I still feel like a back up plan and disposable. You will always keep me at arms length and hurt me. This summer was my last big try. From now on I’ll just go back to status quo and wait for you to figure out what the hell you want in you’re life. Because I know what I fucking want. And it’s not you and you’re fucking drama, but that’s all I have. I’m the Constant, and I’m the security blanket but you chose those beneath me constantly. I almost understand why, but I still don’t fucking like it. I’ll always be here but that’s the only thing I can promise. My life has changed. It may change agian. I’m making choices for me now. You may be in orbit but you

I’m not in a place I’d like to be. The world has moved on. I’ve changed. There are different responsibilities and there is a different world than it was 5 years. I’m fighting different battles and the old battles I still have to fight I’m fighting in a different ways. But I’m aware I have changed. Hanging out with someone that has been there in the shadows the whole time I’m very aware how much me and my emotions have changed. I’m a different person. I’m both more at peace and more an agent of chaos still. The difference is I am more aware of that fucking fact that I ever was. I’m also aware of how much more broken I am that I have ever been. But I know I’m not the only broken one and unfortunately I’m not the only broken one. That’s why I will never abandon freinds or those I love. There will be a moment soon. A moment that can only happen once. But it’ll be done. I was there in Ottawa with my friends. The last time I was by the river whatever we had faded. I’m thinking we need to fin