If you had waited one more moment you would have had you’re ring in 2001, every moment since that has been a fucking fight. It’s still here and it’s still waiting but I am feeling like it will be a long time before you are ever ready. As much as I feel that you might be the one, even still after all we have been thru together and alone. I still feel like a back up plan and disposable. You will always keep me at arms length and hurt me. This summer was my last big try.
From now on I’ll just go back to status quo and wait for you to figure out what the hell you want in you’re life. Because I know what I fucking want. And it’s not you and you’re fucking drama, but that’s all I have.
I’m the Constant, and I’m the security blanket but you chose those beneath me constantly. I almost understand why, but I still don’t fucking like it.
I’ll always be here but that’s the only thing I can promise. My life has changed. It may change agian. I’m making choices for me now. You may be in orbit but you are not the only thing in my life and you will never ever be that.
You ruined our lives multiple times and have the balls to guilt me into all of that.
I’ve known since before my twenties that I only lead to ruin. I told you that in our first moments together. Of course, I found the one woman where my strength of being the Constant just wasn’t good enough. Because you and you’re life and my sons life are even more damaged than mine, if that’s even possible.
I guess it is. We will see where the next step ends up being. But I’m getting real fed up with whatever this moment is.
You don’t listen to me and you attempt to manipulate me and I’m not sure exactly to what end. When a lot of the time I’m happy when you want to go away and I find peace, you come back and ruin it.
That’s the game tho. You want to be a part of the fact I do not have any peace. The problem is you are the only drama in my life and I don’t let you disturb my peace. Not anymore. I’m happy with my moments in this life and I will continue to do so.
You aren’t the be all and end all in my life the way you used to be. I’ve learned to live and live well without you. That’s where we stand. I may want you in my life but I don’t fucking need you. I will never fucking need you in my life.
This revolving door bullshit needs to end. Maybe it’s time to go to England to exorcise some of these demons. I need to be where you’ve been. Maybe so I can realize my value. There are other people I am important to. They aren’t all on this continent.
I could always escape. Disappear and never return. That’s who I am. No roots except for you. When will you realize that. When you do it might be too fucking late. I’ll be gone.
One day I might write another letter. One day I might not. You haven’t given me any real reason to fight in a very long time and yet I want to be sitting on that corner. It’s stubbornness that I haven’t made that attempt yet. I just don’t want you to say no.
I’m not on our corner tonight for the same reason we didn’t go to the concert this week. You knew my intentions and they were pure. But you have this issue with commitment especially when it comes to me. You can walk away and betray me constantly because it’s all you’ve ever known. But you had my son so you constantly have a living connection to me. That was deliberate. Trust me I understand that.
One day I will be sitting beside you on that corner, with you’re drum. But that day is not today. No matter how much I wish it might have been.
You’re not ready. You might never be ready. I’ve fucking accepted that a long time ago. I just don’t understand why I keep trying.
It’s that little bit of hope. That little bit of hope that will eventually fucking kill me. And you goddamn well know it.
I’m not angry, I’m disappointed. I expected that you wouldn’t be hiding things at this point of our lives. But I’m always going to be here. I have to be.
You don’t know what it took not to have you’re drum and jacket and be sitting on our corner tonight. Even if the true reality you would refuse it and not show up anyways.
One day I will anyways, it’ll be a last year. It’ll be a fucking day when this heart in my chest can no longer bear the burden of loving you unconditionally and it will require an answer.
That day is close, but it is not today. It would hurt too fucking much for me to make that appearance today with everything going on in our lives.
I may be at peace and content with my life, but yours isn’t. And as long as it’s turmoil all I add to it is pain.
You need peace first. Then you can be content. Then you can be my wife and we can be a family again.
But it’s not today. I’m not there but I want to be. I wish I could trust you enough to be.
I want to come home.
Current Mood: Sad.
Survived? Is that what you call this? Did I survive? No, I assure you, I am still very much in Hell.
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