I’m not in a place I’d like to be. The world has moved on. I’ve changed. There are different responsibilities and there is a different world than it was 5 years. I’m fighting different battles and the old battles I still have to fight I’m fighting in a different ways. But I’m aware I have changed. Hanging out with someone that has been there in the shadows the whole time I’m very aware how much me and my emotions have changed. I’m a different person. I’m both more at peace and more an agent of chaos still. The difference is I am more aware of that fucking fact that I ever was. I’m also aware of how much more broken I am that I have ever been. But I know I’m not the only broken one and unfortunately I’m not the only broken one. That’s why I will never abandon freinds or those I love. There will be a moment soon. A moment that can only happen once.
But it’ll be done.
I was there in Ottawa with my friends. The last time I was by the river whatever we had faded. I’m thinking we need to find it again or I need to walk away. I should have told you then what I’m about to say to you now. No matter what the consequences are. I waited a year hitting once. Now it’s been 18 years since I told you how I truly feel. I think you already know.
And you proved every expectation right. So I will be making one more power move and fading I’ll be fading away forever.
I’m going to do things. I tried to do them with you. But it’s been 22 years. I may always love you with all my heart but I’m not playing this game anymore.
This summer was one last test and one last try. I am done. One last moment and I’ll be done. It should have been this weekend. But I was in a real dark place and I knew that you would fulfill every expectation.
Needless to say the ring wasn’t with me in Ottawa or at chili peppers. There was a reason for that. I had already decided the when.
One last moment.
I don’t know where we stand. It’s time to define that once and for all. And if it’s not going to be. It’s time to fucking walk away and be done. 22 years. Long enough.
I don’t know if I can be bothered to make the effort to try anymore. There are too many problems between us to make our lives a reality.
We should have been at this concert. Maybe in a few years you will get to have another chance if if I let you. I had a moment chosen and instead you went radio silent on me agian. Proving you’re true intentions. You’re life doesn’t include me, and my life? Well it doesn’t include you.
You’ve made that clear. I’m an annoyance at best and only wanted when you need something or want something....
Well what about when I needed you?
You weren’t fucking there. And that’s why it won’t ever work out. Because it’s on you’re terms or nothing at all. And everything I do in my life is on my terms. Always.
Apperently I’ll never be good enough so why the fuck should I try? But here’s the truth. I am good enough. You are the one that broke us and broke me. And you keep reminding me of that fact.
You blame me for all of this. You should be blaming yourself.
We shall see where I end up sitting and busking on Friday.
I don’t want you going to that concert unless you were going with me. I wanted to do something. But my feelings don’t fucking matter.
They never did.
Until you can prove otherwise, you’ve established my belief.
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