I should not be nostalgic for the bad old days. I don’t mean with her I just mean in general in points of my life. It was simply more interesting when I was struggling and didn’t have my shit together. Now it just seems like my life is status quo and while I do interesting shit there are days when the depression and tedious nature of the same day over and over agian. Just means that I’m going to be bored and not really feeling like I accomplished anything in my life or done anything of value. Both of which are not true but at this point in my life I highly doubt that anything fucking changes. It’s the same fucking moment every single fucking day, and it’s boring.
That’s part of the appeal in looking Niagara bound, at least that’s the great unknown, what if I had settled down and become boring… I never wanted that life. But I’d have chose it for one reason and one reason alone. And it’s not much different than the life I have now.
I know another reason I look back is I had a certain amount of independence I don’t have now and that I was able to be free and be alone without dealing with administrative nonsense to take care of me and my responsibilities. It’s getting frustrating to always jump from crisis to crisis and this isn’t something on a regular basis I had to deal with in Niagara.
Maybe there is something to be said for that simple kind of life. I’d rather be boring and a robot at this point in my life than to keep struggling to keep my head above water constantly.
I am losing interest in my life remaining status quo. There is a very important reason I never bothered with disability nonsense for years when I was a father or when I had something to prove before I was broken down completely. Part of it was pride and another part was I didn’t want to deal with the bullshit administrative stuff. I still don’t have the patience for it. I should be working. But we know who and what took that away from me don’t we?
I just don’t know the next step and I am no longer looking back in any real capacity. I’m starting not to care what the next step is. I have big moments planned but it’s all about what happens next and I’m so apathetic and jaded that I really no longer care what happens or if we get our moments anymore.
When it seems like to things would be simpler with the two of us together I often question why we haven’t at least tried that once with everything that has happened in our lives. It’s what you’re mother wanted. I think that’s part of why we run from it so much. Because if we fail again, you know I’m breaking a promise to someone I can’t ever say I’m sorry to.
But I think that’s what we need now.
A simple kind of life.
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