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Fear Inoculum



I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t have any answers. I don’t believe in coincidences. The fact I had an awesome time and saw one of my boyhood Hero’s on stage last night and then drama today. These things are related. Because I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I have good friend’s and people that care about me.  I will always care, that’s my nature and you have to be healthy to be responsible for the one person in this world I care more than anyone else for. I may Love hi that’s unconditional, but I’d die for him. I steady have once before emotionally. I chose to walk away remember. So he didn’t have the burden of me in his life. 


It’s only your choice and actions that’s I am in orbit in his life. Otherwise I would have stayed gone. I’d have walked away. That was the attention. I’m not dragging anyone down. 


Part of it is that I don’t know the truth with you. He’s afraid of me? At his age I was hanging and banging with killers at Barton jail and it wasn’t my first time either. Either there is something you’re not telling me or this is one massive headgame that will lead nowhere. I was a good goddamn damn dad and you and I both know you wouldn’t be involved in my life for a fucking second if you thought otherwise. This all leading to an endgame for you, but I do have one condition and that’s fuckin trust. It’s not there and neither am I. 


You lost that a long time ago and it’s never been completely returned to you. There are moments when I desperately want to. And then logic kicks in and I know that I can’t. I’m done with smoke and mirrors. I’m happy with my life.


You have to change your life. I don’t have to change mine. That’s part of it. I’ve always had good people in my life and good freinds. Even when you didn’t approve, but now r he castles are crumbling around you and you know you’ll end up alone. Meanwhile I’ve always been prepared to be alone, stuck in a box. Loneliness holds no illusions for me. I had a half second of our lives with you and him and you gave me the most precious thing in both our lives but that was a long time ago.


And trust is still the issue… maybe on your end there is fear and I recognize that too. But why stay in my fucking orbit.


Answers, and soon. Or I’m out. I have a good life, and I want you to be part of it. But I can’t always be here in the wilderness caring the way I do. I won’t be trying this way forever. 

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